Je ne regrette rien

I woke up in an Edith Piaf kind of mood. It takes a special kind of mood for me to crave sitting and listening to her songs over and over. Something inside me must have known that today was going to be an emotionally sideways day. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love Edith Piaf, and often listen to her when I’m happy too, but there is this certain kind of funky mood that almost seems to require her voice. 

I had to go downtown and meet my lawyer today which is alway a special kind of fun. It’s expensive, but I remain grateful for how well she does what she does.  As I was getting ready to go, my sister texted me asking if today was a good day to go through Dad’s closet. No, it is not. There is never a good day, but it is time. The past couple of days seem to have been ones where I’ve missed him more. Like I’ve been able to convince myself that it all is a bad dream and he’s not really gone. We will face it tomorrow. 

On the train downtown I read on Facebook that one of my favourite uncles (my mom’s cousin really) died a few days ago. That seemed to have been my tipping point and I bawled the whole way to my lawyer. Thank goodness for 2015 when I spent most of the year crying  in public. It gave me practice. 

When I was a kid, uncle Harvey and auntie Margaret held pony club at their place and it was there that I learned to walk (or ride) headfirst into my fears. I remember being so terrified of their cross country course, and yet year after year tackling it on whatever miserable pony I was riding (I loved them all). 

When I was 9 I was riding Snowflake, the rearing pony. I was down at the start line of cross country and uncle Harvey was doing the countdown. He said one minute, and Snowflake reared up. I slid off her  back and somehow landed on my feet. I walked around the side, he gave me a leg up, and said 10,9,8,7…. and counted me off on my way without saying another word.

There were a few things about that incident that I took away. 1 that he broke the rules by helping me back on my horse. I was grateful for that because I was so scared I wouldn’t have been able to get back on. 2 that help comes sometimes in unexpected and quiet ways and I just need to accept it and move on without making a big deal. 3 no matter how scared I am, if I want something I need to keep going. I won everything I rode in that day. 

When I decided a few years ago to start reaching for a better, happier life I drew on many of the lessons uncle Harvey taught me out in those fields. I am forever grateful for all of that time and all of those experiences. 

This evening I drove my cousin in law home and we listened to the Frantics the whole way. We are always acting out the skits, but neither of us had listened to them for a while. I forgot how hard they make me laugh, and so much better with someone who also knows all the words. Gut busting laughter was exactly what was needed. Happiness moment. 


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