One really positive thing that has come out of the shit storm that has been 2016 is that I have finally discovered my worth. I found it in the parking lot at Winners when someone told me very clearly how very little value they felt I had. I remember standing there thinking – wow, I can’t believe you think you’re too good for me – and also – just because you see so little value in me does not make that true. In fact, as I processed it over the next few days I realized how much I have come to know my own worth. It actually became much less about that person, or any other person, and a real celebration as I understood how far I have come on my healing journey.
It may sound small, but after years and years of being devalued I had started to believe that in fact I had very little worth. It has taken what feels like forever to build that back up and remember that I have so much to give, so much to share, and if someone else does not see that then that is really their loss.
Today was one of those less than enjoyable days in this process of the divorce where I was once again shown that truth is immaterial and respect and kindness are non-existent. The difference between now and February when I first started discovering some hidden truths, is that I know my own value now. It still hurts, and I still get really pissed off. But how he feels and what he says is not a reflection of who I really am. I’ve remembered I’ve got some mad inner strength and I can handle whatever is put my way.
One time when I was about 19 I was out riding Rolex. He was still green and loved to buck, especially when we were out on a hack. He got a little excited and gave a big buck that sent me sailing over his head. I realized mid air that I still was holding onto the reins. I suddenly got incredibly angry that he was turfing me and I was going to have to walk back to the barn by myself. I gripped onto the reins with all my strength and had a death lock on them when I landed. He freaked out and started running, dragging me swearing and screaming along on the ground. Eventually he stopped, I got up, cursed at him a little more, got back on, and rode home.
It’s like that now. I’ve got the death lock on and I’m really determined.
Having rediscovered who I am – it’s not only my happiness moment today, but it’s a gift that I will cherish for the rest of my life.