I started this blog 8.5 years ago (ish) on my 44th birthday as a way of tracking my search for happiness. I was so lost then, living in what was not only an unhappy marriage but a dangerous one as well. I was desperately seeking comfort, safety…. Happiness I suppose was the word I chose for what I was seeking. Freedom would have been a better word. Inner Freedom would have been a better phrase. But I only knew what I knew at the time, so I was seeking happiness.

I started out with looking for one happiness moment a day. Just one. Sometimes it was a huge stretch for me to find one moment where I could even consider there to be some joy. But I did it, and slowly my world brightened a bit. And as it is with healing it darkened, then brightened, then had a hail storm, a hurricane, and a Landslide (Thank you Stevie Nicks). But it’s also had sunshine days, rainbows, and literal puppies and kittens (thank you God for animals).

I have looked extensively outside for happiness. Then I learned happiness is an inside job. So then I looked extensively inside for happiness. Spoiler alert – if you haven’t done your work it’s almost impossible to find. Back outside for proof of inner happiness. Ugh that does not work. I studied my family, learned so much about my history, studied psychology, learned so much about myself and my family. Cried. Broke down. Picked myself up. Wrote. Deleted what I wrote. On and on.

I was going to end this blog. I’ve debated it for several months, but I can’t bring myself to do that. It’s like a little baby I’ve nurtured, neglected, and abused (in the sense that I’ve used it for things other than the original intended purpose). I didn’t want to also abandon it. All these years of sorting myself out.

I’ve discovered the path to the happiness I have been seeking. I think part of the reason it took me so long to find was I was seeking “happiness” when really I was seeking “inner freedom” as I mentioned. Happiness sounded like something really simple that could be found or created. Inner Freedom has turned out to be a real bitch to explore in the sense that it has required me to work through all of my shit. Childhood trauma, adolescent trauma, shitty fucking abusive marriage, addiction, raising children in that shitty fucking abusive marriage and how that became their childhood trauma, living in this overwhelming hoard, dealing with all of my shifty emotions. Working through all of it and dealing with the consequences no matter how uncomfortable or painful or undesirable they are – that’s the path. Just keep swimming. Just keep working at it. Just keep holding onto your truth, to who you are, the whole ugly beautiful embarrassing lovable mess. And stop listening to the opinions of people who don’t give a shit about you but to whom you only represent an inconvenience to their comfort.

In the words of Tom Petty:

Well I know what’s right
I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin’ me around
But I’ll stand my ground
And I won’t back down