I was doing my meditation the other day (Deepak Chopra’s 21 day meditation on Desire and Destiny) and the subject for the day was Who am I? With the centering thought of I am my deepest desire and the mantra of So Hum meaning I am.
It’s a 21 day meditation and this was only day 1, but I’d already done it 5 days in a row without moving on to the next day. Why? Because it really was making me think hard about who am I? Which is something I feel has been lost in the past few years. Before, I knew who I was to some extent. I was Melissa. I was madly and completely in love with my horses. I loved my dog and cats. I was a daughter, a sister, a cousin. I was a person who had strong roots in the community I lived in. I was shy and introverted, but still did things I was terrified of – just because.
I was a little girl at 5 who went out on a cross-country course with a rotten, stubborn little pony and spent ages kicking and pleading with Tango to go over a jump, only to have him land and immediately plant his head back in the grass and gorge himself. I was obviously stubborn and strong willed myself because instead of giving up and going back I got of and dragged that miserable beast up to the next jump before climbing back up and kicking him over the next jump.
I was a little girl at 9 back on the same cross-country course with a kind-hearted but completely messed up pony getting ready to head out on the course. When my uncle announced the one minute mark dear Snowflake showed an act of nerves herself and reared up straight in the air. For once in my life I managed a graceful dismount and slid right off her butt and landed on my feet. Fortunately the timer was holding her to make sure we didn’t leave the gate early. I remember walking around to her side, climbing back up and just as I was settling into the saddle hearing “10. 9,8.7…” and off we headed on the course. I would like to point out that Snowflake and I managed to come first in every event. I remember thinking later that it was weird that no one stopped me and asked if I was ok, but in hindsight they were there and knew I was ok. After all, it was the same uncle who had had older riders keep an eye out for a girl and her Shetland pony on the course a few years before. A good way to care – be there and supportive without smothering and “doing for” someone.
So, Who Am I? Over the years who I am has gotten blurred. I got married and had a child a year after. 3 years after that had another child and moved to Quebec where we lived for 2 years. Followed by a move to Rhode Island (where we lived in one house for 2 years and then moved to another house for 2 more years). Then we moved to Roanoke where we’ve been almost 3 years and are getting ready to move to Winchester. In this time I’ve become ungrounded. I’ve lost my support system in many ways. In the 9 years we’ve been gone I’ve discovered how strong the family ties are that I have and how much they mean to me, but also how far away they are. We’ve had to make new lives for ourselves way more times than I wanted and had to say goodbye to new friends who had become dear.
Since living here we have failed to develop a strong support system, which has meant that I have built an incredibly strong support system with my children. I know these are bonds that are unique and will give us a wonderful foundation as they move into more grown up years. I am incredibly grateful for the time that we have had to just focus on our relationships, but it also has come with a huge sense of being ungrounded and unbalanced. Where do I belong? How do I fit in? Who am I?
Had I kept better focus on my life map I’m sure I would be in a different place (which is true for most of us I’m sure. Hindsight and all that). But I’m so grateful that I’ve had the chance to discover that I can rely on myself. This time has been precious in that it’s brought me back into contact with that tough little girl who just went out and did things. A little girl who danced to her own music and didn’t really care so much what other people thought.
So, that meditation was pretty powerful to me. I’ve reflected on it over and over again. I’ve realized I’m still that same girl, just somehow for a few years I convinced myself I was not. Huge mistake. Because then I forgot how to be brave and strong and have fun and laugh and be a friend.