happiness

Being authentic

I’ve been really struggling over the last week as to whether or not I should take a blogging break. I’ve found a moment of happiness every day for almost 3 and a half years – even when dad died, when I got divorced, when he left us without money, when we have struggled, when mom died.

But right now I just don’t want to. I feel like I’m not being authentic talking about a trivial moment of happiness in days that are by far the worst I’ve experienced. And I can’t talk about that, so I can’t share the sad or the happy moments.

For right now I’m craving quiet. I don’t want the noise of social media. I need time to try and reconnect with a God I’m not sure I believe in at the moment. At the very least I feel abandoned by him. Don’t bother sending bible verses – I need action and miracles, I’ve lived on words and promises for long enough.

I know this too shall pass. I’m not sure how or when but it will. My plan is to take a break until the weekend is over and then reassess where things are at.

What I will say is that recovering from trauma is fucking hard and it’s taking every ounce of strength I have to pull my kids through this.

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happiness

The blossoms are back

I was unloading things from the car today when my nose notified me of another sign of spring. The blossoms are back on our beautiful crabapple trees.

My first thought was joy – ohh the blossoms are back. And my second thought was sadness – oh the blossoms are back.

When dad went to hospice three years minus four days ago, the blossoms were at their absolute best in the yard. He’d spent the last few days at home lying in his bed looking out the window at the blossoms. He died the next day in hospice.

Thank God for the movie Inside Out – it reminds me that Joy and Sadness exist together, and that sometimes Sadness takes the Joy memories and shades them blue. They’re still the same memories, there’s just a tinge of sadness attached to them.

I stood under the trees and said a little prayer of gratitude. We have had some really hard times over the last few years, but love, faith, and hope for a better tomorrow have kept us all going.

We went for a family walk this evening and saw half the neighborhood while we were at it. We have some challenges, but we are SO blessed to live where we do with our tribe around us. It’s really a unique community and I’m so grateful we are part of it.

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happiness

Keep it going

I was ready to take a break from my blog yesterday. Not because I have found peace and happiness, but just because I’m tired and didn’t feel like looking for happiness.

But then a kind man bought me supper last night as a pay it forward moment and I remembered people are basically good.

Today I was having the same feelings, and I again witnessed incredible acts of love and kindness. It’s interesting how in the middle of pain and suffering sometimes you get to witness the most amazing moments of love.

Most people are good. The ones who aren’t get a lot of airtime it seems, but most people are good.

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happiness

I believe most people are good

I was the fortunate recipient of a random act of kindness today. It was so needed – I was feeling kind of blue – and it was a good reminder that most people are good. Also that people are mostly good. There is pain and hurt all over, but we are striving for connection and love – and that’s what matters most.

I will most certainly pay it forward. It made me smile, and I’d love to share that happiness with someone else who may need it. We all need it.

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