happiness

His little face

I came home tonight from a friends house tired and ready for bed. I looked into the house as I pulled up and I saw Aladdin’s little face staring out the window at me.

He sleeps with me every night and he gets upset if I’m not there at bed time. I’ve noticed that if I’m out he will sit and stare out the window waiting for me to come home so he can go to bed.

The power of love 💕

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happiness

The night before

It’s the night before the boy writes his first diploma exam. We are at the half way mark of his last year of high school.

He’s nervous, but there’s a lot of peace in knowing he’s qualified and accepted into his program for next year already.

But still exams are stressful.

Also stressful in a different way is realizing he’s about to head off into the world. My role in his life will change, and I’m so grateful I’ve had the privilege of watching him grow into this amazing human.

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happiness

Just keep swimming

I was offered a chance to ride today – on the same horse that gave me the meltdown earlier this week.

This time I wasn’t filled with anxiety, I didn’t think he was going to flip on me, I wasn’t so insecure I could barely ride. What a difference a few days makes.

I’ve found with all the crap that has happened over the last few years that I’m more afraid of things than I used to be. But I’m also aware that I’m stronger than I ever thought I was. So as long as I just keep swimming, I know I’ll get where I need to go.

Horses have always been the best way for me to work through my emotions and reflect back to me the best and most difficult parts of my life.

Conquering my fears here is helping me gain confidence in other areas of my life as well.

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happiness

Speech preparation

It was our monthly 4H meeting tonight. I’m so grateful my kids got involved in this club. I loved Pony Club and got a lot out of it, but 4H is amazing in a completely different way.

They’re organizing and preparing their speeches for communication day which is coming up soon.

It’s been fascinating to see how they’ve grown and gained confidence over the last year and a bit since they’ve been part of this club. Life skills that they will use forever.

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happiness

Crying on horseback

I rode a different horse in my lesson today. This one was very similar in height to Drishti and apparently it brought out all the fears I had stuffed down inside.

When I got on I commented to my instructor that I was feeling a little nervous, but we kept going and I was fine. After about 15 minutes we stopped so she could explain something to me and I burst into tears. Not just a couple but a whole river leaked out.

And she said that makes perfect sense, you’ve experienced trauma. And I thought haha you have no idea

So finished crying and then kept riding. And I felt so much better.

Earlier today I was reading about grief and how you have to cry all the tears you need to before you can be done. If you have 24 tears to cry, then crying 17 isn’t enough

I have tears left to cry. So much changed so quickly. Dad died, I got divorced, the boy got sick, I fell off my horse and broke my shoulder, mom died, the girl got sick, I sold my horse. And in all that we were still processing the trauma from Mr. X.

Ignoring the feelings isn’t the solution. Feeling the feelings and allowing them to move through and release – that’s the solution.

How you do one thing is how you do everything. Horses have always been my spiritual healer.

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happiness

Aquaman

I took the kids to see Aquaman tonight – it was a… yummy…. movie to say the least.

Our holiday time is coming to an end. We put Christmas away, and the kids are getting ready to go back to school. There are so many mixed feelings. This time last year we took mom to the hospital for the last time. As we enter next couple of weeks, there will be lots of memories, tears, laughs, and mourning. It all combines together.

But there sure are a lot of gifts she left us. The boy has been talking so much lately of how much of her time she gave him. The gift of time is precious. She always let him know he was important to her, and he holds that memory now as he moves forward in life.

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happiness

Father Brown

The boy was really missing his nana today. As we come up on the first anniversary of her death, we seem to miss her even more.

We watched Father Brown tonight. I’ve never been allowed to watch it before as it wad their special show. But today he wanted the company and to share the memories.

Loss is hard, but love pulls us through. Always.

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