happiness

Solo drive

The boy went for his first full out solo drive today. It’s a big deal – I remember that sense of freedom I had the first time I drove by myself and although I don’t feel like he’s old enough – he’s more than old and responsible enough.

Things change so fast, babies grow up in the blink of an eye (such a cliche but so true), but they are such amazing humans I couldn’t be happier with the people they are becoming.

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happiness

8 months after

It has been 8 months since Mom died. It feels both like forever and that it’s impossible to believe it’s been that long. Seasons have changed, houses have changed, people have changed, I know for a fact that time has marched on. I watched a video the other day not realizing mom was in it – that familiar voice that I haven’t heard in what feels like so long.

It’s all part of life, this death crap, and we need to embrace the love that we received, but also the love that we have right now. Those memories are strong and I hold them dearly – but this moment in time – right now – it’s important. It’s vital we keep walking through the mourning process so that we fully embrace the beauty of the lives we are living right now, in the present moment. I think both mom and dad would like that very much.

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happiness

Healing breaths

I understand the concept that while what happened to you may not be your fault,you are totally responsible for healing it. Sometimes though it feels like the healing process goes on and on while the person who caused the pain skips through life with no consequences

Today it was necessary to stop and take a few healing breaths. It feels like sometimes it is the only way to catch enough air and rest to continue on with the journey

Thank goodness we are able to stop and rebalance at times.

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happiness

Held together by duct tape

I’ve discovered that since the kids have gone back to school, I’ve gone back to crying in the car when I’m driving alone. It was pretty much how I spent 2015 after dad died, and I have to say I’m almost glad I’m processing mom’s death the same way finally. So much happened right after she died I had to put my grieving process on hold. Which was fine, but I do need to work through those feelings.

I was driving through town on my way to pick up the girl, still crying but trying desperately to stop. While I’m totally fine with my car crying grieving process, I’m not a huge fan of being the crazed bawling mama at school. As I was waiting for the lights to change I looked at the car across the intersection from me.

This car was a minivan, a little bit older but generally in good shape – except for the front. The entire front of the van was held together by huge strips of duct tape. Some of them looked like they were barely hanging on, others like they totally were keeping the car together.

I started laughing through my tears because omg, duct tape really does fix everything. The image of that car was enough to change my mood and I was smiling by the time I pulled into the school parking lot.

The girl and I spent most of the rest of the day driving around doing errands together. Teen life seems like it’s in constant change, but in this exact second it’s pretty good. It warmed my heart to see her smiling, and to share the deep conversations that we had while we laughed and sobbed together about the weirdness of life.

I am so grateful for this life.

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happiness

Fall party 2018

We had our second annual fall party at the hall today. I love that building, it represents many happy childhood memories- so I was incredibly happy to hear a few people come in the doors and express to me how deeply they love our hall too. It’s holds the love and memories of generations of our community.

The boy and I took a turn at the games – connect4, tic tac toe, corn hole… we sampled pies for the contest and the auction, and we visited with friends and family – including my childhood riding instructor whom I haven’t seen in decades.

So grateful to be part of this tribe

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