The blossoms are back

I was unloading things from the car today when my nose notified me of another sign of spring. The blossoms are back on our beautiful crabapple trees.

My first thought was joy – ohh the blossoms are back. And my second thought was sadness – oh the blossoms are back.

When dad went to hospice three years minus four days ago, the blossoms were at their absolute best in the yard. He’d spent the last few days at home lying in his bed looking out the window at the blossoms. He died the next day in hospice.

Thank God for the movie Inside Out – it reminds me that Joy and Sadness exist together, and that sometimes Sadness takes the Joy memories and shades them blue. They’re still the same memories, there’s just a tinge of sadness attached to them.

I stood under the trees and said a little prayer of gratitude. We have had some really hard times over the last few years, but love, faith, and hope for a better tomorrow have kept us all going.

We went for a family walk this evening and saw half the neighborhood while we were at it. We have some challenges, but we are SO blessed to live where we do with our tribe around us. It’s really a unique community and I’m so grateful we are part of it.


Keep it going

I was ready to take a break from my blog yesterday. Not because I have found peace and happiness, but just because I’m tired and didn’t feel like looking for happiness.

But then a kind man bought me supper last night as a pay it forward moment and I remembered people are basically good.

Today I was having the same feelings, and I again witnessed incredible acts of love and kindness. It’s interesting how in the middle of pain and suffering sometimes you get to witness the most amazing moments of love.

Most people are good. The ones who aren’t get a lot of airtime it seems, but most people are good.


Equine therapy

Mr. X has threatened to report me to social services as he feels “it is the only route he has to ensure the safety and protection of his children.” Apparently in the middle of this crisis we are in attacking my parenting is the most appropriate route.

The only response I had to that was to just carry on with life. I am doing the best I can – so are the kids. What else can I do?

Churchill said the outside of a horse is good for the inside of a man, and I have always believed horses have incredible healing abilities.

I took the girl out to play with Drishti this afternoon. The difference in her before and after horse time was like night and day. She laughed, smiled, relaxed, and loved on him.


The choice

I woke up this morning tired after a difficult night with a sick kid. I sent Mr. X an email letting him know what was up, and the response I got essentially was a reminder he thinks I’m a bad mom and a useless waste of space. Lovely to hear on Mother’s Day, my first one without my mom, considering I raise the kids alone.

But then the kids got up and gave me their beautiful homemade presents, we talked about our cousin’s Mother’s Day supper, and headed to church. The sermon was on being the man of her dreams, and he spoke of how a woman should feel safe and heard and loved.

And I got to thinking – I have to choose right now how the day goes. I can focus on Mr. X – who was trying to gaslight and engage me in an argument – or I can focus on the love I have in my life.

The kids and I spent the afternoon in the garden, planning where things will go, chasing the dog, laughing, having a quick nap- and then we went to my cousin’s for supper. We sat at the table and told old stories and laughed and discussed current issues.

This tribe of mine is amazing. I feel so full of love and happiness.

Love wins.


Cut the chaos

I was feeling a lot of anxiety and like I was totally overwhelmed today. There’s a lob going on, a lot that has gone on.

I decided instead of pushing thorough I’d reset myself instead – so I grabbed a book and sat in grandma’s kitchen and read for an hour or so. It’s amazing how that small act brought peace and balance back to my soul.

I love that kitchen