Summer that is. We had our first trip to the creek this afternoon. Nothing says summer like watching kids run into the freezing mountain water. This is one of my favourite activities and we were in one of our favourite spots.
Drishti is being a total turd lately. So much so that he’s been put in bad boy boot camp – and he’s not a fan of this at all.
It’s interesting this work we are doing – I need to command his respect, and also his trust. So I have to make him listen to me, and also build a relationship with him based on trust and respect.
It’s a work in progress. Slowly but surely we are making progress.
He forces me to keep working at it when I get scared or frustrated and want to give up because I want to have this relationship. It helps me find the determination to keep moving forward – a good skill for the rest of my life.
Timely too as I’m feeling really overwhelmed. This whole financial black hole that Mr. X has thrown at us is exhausting. It’s made me remember that at the end of the day I have to learn to count on myself to look after the kids in every way – and that is overwhelming, scary, and t seems the next necessary step ahead.
Things keep changing and I’m grateful that I’m getting stronger so I can keep on walking. Drishti helps me figure out the steps – and that is happiness.
When I was pregnant with the boy we joined a birth and baby class at the hospital. It was 8 weeks with half the focus on pregnancy and half on newborns. My kid was considerate and was born at exactly the half way mark.
For the first year a bunch of us did weekly playgroups which gave us overtired and overwhelmed moms an outing. There was a first birthday party, and a 10 birthday party (which we missed because we were living away).
Today we had the 16th birthday party for these babies. And all but three showed up which was pretty amazing.
I consider moments like this to be huge blessings. It’s a special kind of happiness. It comes from good old memories, love for our kids, and sharing of happy times.
The girl finished the last of her exams today – she still has “school” next week, but it’s all fun stuff like swimming and sports day. The stress of exam week is over and the kids can breathe, slow down, and smile. It’s been a hard week. Both kids really want to do well in their classes, both struggle with reading which makes it that much more difficult. The boy has excellent support in place at his school and I’m hoping the girl will get more soon as well. But they both work hard and learn lots and that is what is important.
And now.. some fun. It’s time for that. I’m glad that things can slow down a bit now. Happiness is found in the little moments and when we slow down we are able to enjoy those little moments more.
I came into today with very mixed emotions – on the one hand it is the 16th birthday of my beloved son, on the other hand Father’s Day has become a rather difficult day in our household.
I have been doing A Course in Miracles and the lesson today was about how I see God in everything. I read it, I remembered it, I prayed about it – then I began my day.
I started by making the boy’s traditional birthday pie for his breakfast. The girl had stayed up late and left a trail of notes for him to read as he made his way downstairs telling him how much he was loved.
I thought how appropriate it was that he was eating pie this morning, not only for his tummy but also because my Dad loved pie and it was a nice way for me to remember him. There was definitely God in everything around me.
I dropped the girl at her morning ball game and the boy at church and then headed off to Glenbow Ranch to have a little quiet time in the flowers so I could honour my Dad. Wildflowers were my Dad’s thing and he had taken me to this park the summer before he died so we could look at the flowers.
After I walked around a little bit I stopped beside this wood lily which just happens to be my favourite flower of all. I sat on the side of the hill and cried a little bit (thankfully I was alone – the public crying gets to be a little much sometimes). I was looking up the hill for a while – as in the photo above – and then turned my position and looked west. I realized that from where I was sitting I could see the ranch, I could see Moose Mountain, I could see home. It was really comforting to just sit there in the quiet with the flowers around me, holding memories of my dad, and just be thankful for the life I have. I could sit there beside that flower and really, truly see God in everything.
After the girls won their ball game – and it was a very hard earned win – we took the boy out for lunch at Mr. Mikes. Talk about trying to cram everything into one day – I was worried I wouldn’t get to spend much time with him on his birthday because the win meant that the girls were off to at least 2 more ball games in NE Calgary and the boy had to work this evening. But we grabbed the small moment and made the best of it – God in everything.
The girls played hard this afternoon. It ended up being the same team from the morning and they battled it out for two more games to finally become tournament champions. This was no small feat – these girls were certainly the underdogs at the beginning of the season and they dominated. Jenna is still flying high. God in everything – it was easy to see as the parents cheered and laughed and as the kids played and thrived.
The win was celebrated by a very late supper with the boy at his work. This work has brought out so much in him, it has been a great step into adulthood. God in everything.
I gave the boy his present late last night. I had ordered custom made Mala beads a few weeks ago – it was the only thing he had asked me for. Every bead was put on with love and in prayer. It was added to a box that was filled with letters written by the important people in his life – his loved ones, his family – and a HUGE thank you to all of you who wrote the letters. He has been sitting and reading them and smiling with glistening eyes. It is something he will treasure for the rest of his life. God in everything, His hands in the love in those letters that the boy will be able to pull out and read for the rest of his life and always remember that he is loved.
Today is my unniversary – it hasn’t been a great day for years now but I’m getting better about it.
It used to be a sad day because it was a reminder that I had made a promise to spend life with someone who was hellbent on destroying me. Last year it was a weird day as I had my own end of marriage ceeemony – gratitude I was on this side, sadness I endured for so long.
Today though I realized something. I used to think we were building security for the future. I hoped maybe once he made enough money, or was happy enough in his career, that things would get better. Eventually I began to wonder if this would ever be the case. But, then I was trading happiness in the present for the hope of security in the future.
Now I have happiness in the moment and no security for the future at all.
But these moments… they are awesome. And all we really have is the present moment. I realized this today as I was mowing the lawn, seeing my horse in the field beside me, watching my daughter and niece jump on the trampoline, and knowing that my boy was at a job that he loves.
These present moments of happiness are good ones. Who knows what the future holds, but the present- it holds happiness.
I drove in the yard today to find my boy walking through the tallest grass in the field – in the lane that we used to use to go from my parents’ house to the barn. It also goes to our house.
We used to walk and ride up this little lane when we were kids, although over the years it hasn’t been used much and now is just a tall jungle of grass, bluebells, and burrs (and the odd rhubarb plant).
I love that he lives here and now has the freedom to just hang outside in the field playing in the tall grass. This is the childhood I had always imagined for my kids. The fact that he’s almost 16 and still doing this makes my heart smile from the inside out. Happiness.