Warm Plates

The kids and I spent some time today sitting in the kitchen, Grandma’s kitchen, and visiting while I folded laundry. I talked about how the room used to be set up when I was a kid and we would come over for a visit. I love that my childhood memories and their childhood memories, and the childhood memories of my uncle and aunt are all held in that room.

I loved it when we would have supper at my grandparents’ house – always roast beef, mashed potatoes, and whatever vegetable. Then something yummy for dessert – homemade canned cherries, or pie, or ice cream – always so good.

But the best part of the suppers was always that when we sat down Grandma would open the oven and set out warm plates for each of us.

It took me years to fully understand why it was the warm plates that I loved so much. I mean, sure they keep your food the right temperature, but more importantly it was one extra act of love.

It takes a great deal of thought and love to cook a whole meal for a family, so to take the extra step and put plates in the oven for us so we could have a little extra bit of comfort? That was an extra dose of love put right into our meal.

The outside world can be hard, home should always be your soft place to land. That is what that kitchen holds for me. I am very grateful for that.


Another new normal

We had a family meal at the house tonight – moving into another new normal now that mom is gone. That house needs laughter and family in it, to me that is what our home is all about – a gathering place for our tribe. It was good to feel life in it again – good to have people who love us and love that old house together. We need to continue to build memories here, we need to continue coming together.

I spent some time this afternoon in gratitude for the tribe, for the family we have here. The kids and I are so blessed to be surrounded by these people who love us – whenever I feel like we are so alone all I have to do is look outside and see imprints of generations of our people, or I look at the walls of this family home, and I am almost overwhelmed with how lucky I feel that I have these roots.


Energy boost

Today started week two of our 90 day transformation program – this week we are working on energy. Good timing too since I feel like all I say lately is I feel like I am tired to the core of my soul. We all have our action plans and it will be interesting to see how the week progresses – I’m really excited, we all need a little life boost.

I keep falling back to thinking it’s too much ama or not enough ojas, but really I think it’s mostly just total depletion.

In celebration of Family Day I took the girl and her cousin out for what likely is the last toboggan ride of the year. It was so pretty out (and at close to 0 not unbearably cold), and I loved hearing the girls scream in laughter. They have so much fun together, and I love watching the cool teens revert back to little kids as they fly across the fields. I love my family dearly and it’s nice to have a day just to enjoy them, but family time is important to us so we do spend a lot of time together in real life.

There is happiness to be found in every moment if you remember to look for it.


Love letters

I was looking for printer paper in the filing cabinet at my parents’ house today and I came across some unexpected treasures. Apparently my parents wrote each other little love notes over the years, and they kept them in a file next to where the paper was stored. It was so unexpected it took my breath away and I had to stop and spend the next hour looking through their messages of love.

My parents had their issues like every other couple did, but at the heart of it they were two halves of a whole. They loved each other fiercely, and as a result they loved us all unconditionally. I’m so grateful for that because it taught me how to love fiercely and unconditionally as well.

As I looked at their photos and little love moments I was reminded that although I miss mom terribly, in many ways it feels more “right” that they are back together again.

Today was one month since she died. I can’t believe it’s been so long, I can’t believe it’s been only a month.

I went to my cousin’s for supper tonight and as the family laughed as we played Apples to Apples I thought how fortunate I am that we are surrounded with love.

Laughter makes everything seem so much more bearable – it’s the perfect antidote to sadness. I’m lucky I’ve got someone who makes me laugh, who is helping bring my smile back.


Why am I not good enough

It was public speaking day today at 4H – something completely new for both of my kids. They both put in a lot of thought and work into their speeches over the last few weeks and I put in a lot of prayer and stress. All of the kids in the club did really well, and it was so cool how supportive they were of each other. How awesome to have such a safe environment in which to stretch and grow.

The boy spoke about the communist party – politics is something he’s passionate about and there’s nothing like talking about communism to get people talking. The girl’s speech was “Why am I not good enough – from a teenage girl’s perspective” which was so powerful it brought tears to my eyes.

Both kids qualified to go onto the next level. So next weekend we are off doing this all over again. I’m so proud of them both – of all the kids in the club – public speaking is scary and difficult and if they can learn this skill now it is a huge gift to their future selves.

The audio is terrible – so here’s a transcript of Why Am I Not Good Enough

One, take a shower you don’t want to smell.

two, pick out an out fit that will fit with the latest trends, and won’t make you the laughingstockof the school more then you already are.

Three, put on some makeup so you can actually show your face in public and be a little bit pretty. you cant even recognize yourself and your face tinkiles with an unbelievable itch you cant satisfy otherwise you’ll have ruined the hours of meticulous painting you applied to your hideous face.

Four, don’t forget to style you hair, you cant let everyone at school see how you hair is naturally.

Five, shove you fat feet into the pinching blood blistering shoes that everyone else is wearing and you cannot be the odd one out. As you gaze into the bathroom mirror you see a strenger that as somehow stole your reflection and repeated it with a completely different girl. Every part of you out fit is uncomfortable but even though you spend hours trying to look pretty you will never be as good as those other girls at school. You are actually holding back a few tears but you feel like you are holding back a tsunami of emotion you can’t let any one else know you that you feel otherwise they will never respect you the same way they used to, or did they ever? Why am I not good enough beauty is pain.

Six get to school.

Seven find a group of people you can walk with to class with bc heaven knows you can’t just walk alone, but you don’t even like these people they cuss and make dirty jokes a lot, and they laugh and make fun of you. You know you shouldnt hang out with them but hey they are the popular kids. And you just want people to like them. You are in the stocks as people throw judging tomatoes and hate heads of lettuce at your insecure little head. You can not stand up for yourself bc you are alone trapped and defenseless and you can not stand up for yourself bc these popular kids are like the royalty or the school and apprentice with they say and do goes. You take each comment each judgment each assumption each opinion each strange look each remark each criticism each review each report each assessments and whipp’d yourself esteem plum like a sinking ship. Down, down, down into the dark and dreary deps below. You look at all the other girls your mind racing a mile a minute I wish I had her eyes, I wish I had her hair, I wish I was a skinny as her, I wish I had her perfectly straight white teeth, I wish I had her social conference. Why am I not good enough? Life isn’t fair.

Eight get your work done. The only part of your life that seemed solvable is the actual schoolwork you take pride In your work. Bc it is possible the only things special about you. You do it to see the radiant smile on your teachers faces as they applaud your work, so joyful praise is the gentle rain that brings forth a magnificent rainbow. The radiant sunshine the brings forth the fealds of sweet daisies. One of the only things that brings you happiness but it is not popular to be smart. In fact you are seen as a nerd, too smart, too smart human calculator, brainiacs, geek, teachers pet, suck up and what ever wonderful name you can think of. Your peers jealously is a pollution that prevents a rainbow. The bulldozer that plows through the fealds of one golden daisies the in intangible object that crushes your happiness like a bug. A Are getting you nothing nothing but torment. Why am I not good enough? Just get over it.

Nine it’s the end of the day get ready for bed.

Ten undress and get your pajamas on. “Wow did I get fatter today?”

Eleven undo your hair “wow my hair looks like a mop.”

Twelve wash off all the your makeup “I can’t even look at my self.”

Ever night you think to yourself I just want people to like me. I just want to be accepted. But skipping meals and marking up your wrist isn’t going to fix that. You look at other girls wishing you were them, but other girls are looking at you and wishing they were you. Society infers girls have to have skinny waists, tan skin, long silky hair, perfectly straight teeth, big buts and etc. Society and furs girls have to wear tons of makeup to be pretty. Society in furs girls have to were skanky  loathing and do inappropriate things with boys to be “happy and considered cool.” but society is wrong you are lover you are precious, you are beautiful, you are talented, you are capable, you are deserving of respect you can eat that meal. You are one in seven billion and most of all you are good enough.


Morning in the mountains

I spent a quiet and much needed morning in the mountains today. Canmore is one of my favorite places to be, I feel like I’m getting a giant mountain hug, and that’s good for my soul.

Sometimes it’s important to take a little break from daily life and reset things, restore balance, regain focus, and that’s what I feel the last 24 hours did for me. That’s happiness.

Now I have more energy to give and can focus on the things that need to be done here.


Frozen In

Yesterday with the windchill it was -48C which is an absolutely unbearable temperature. So much so that my car decided it was done with being an Albertan and died (well the battery died). My very kind brother in law tried to help me out yesterday to no avail and a second attempt by me and my son today achieved the same results. I put in calls to AMA and also to Volvo On Call to come rescue my poor car. AMA said it was still a 16 hour wait and the other said about 12 – this is what happens when it’s so cold and also the holidays.

There’s something kind of nice about being forced to stay home. Life gets so busy and I usually put on at least 100km/day which makes for a lot of driving and a lot of time on the road.

Today I got to spend cleaning the house a bit, visiting with the kids, and setting intentions for the next year. As a bonus, only a few hours after I called Volvo sent out Big Hill Towing from Cochrane and they rescued me by starting my car.

2018 – Our year for peace and happiness.