Jump back on 

Today seemed like as good a day as any to face my fears. Given that I feel like my world is in an upside down shit storm and all. 

After exactly 16 weeks I got back on my naughty horse and went for a ride. 

If that sounds easy, it wasn’t. I brought him into the corral and tacked him up.  This was much easier than the last time I sat on him on September 30. Then I barely had any mobility and I just sat on his back for a couple of minutes   

The next part turned out to be much harder than I anticipated. It took me almost a half hour of standing beside him before I found the courage to climb back on. Remember he’s been off since I turfed myself the end of July – he had some energy. 

But I finally did. And as we walked we both relaxed a little bit. And I faced a fear. It reminded me I am strong enough to walk the scary paths. 

Oh this horse. He is happiness. Scary happiness but happiness. 


Hell’s Kitchen 

The weather was absolutely beautiful today and I managed to get out for a walk and soak in some sunbeams. On my way home I noticed my horse had made a steer friend and they each stand on their side of the fence grazing side by side. It’s cute. The evening was spent watching Hell’s Kitchen with the girl. 

What does this mean? That even though I have days like yesterday where I feel like the entire universe is dumping on me, really life is pretty darn good. And it’s good because of all the simple things – pony faces, sunbeams, girl cuddles – that is what happiness is about. 


Show me the way

I was having some serious issues with god today – to be honest I’ve been having them for a little while now. 

I’ve been feeling a lot of that’s not fair, and why are you shitting all over my life, and seriously???????

Mostly I’m just tired and overwhelmed. To say there’s a lot of crap going on is an understatement. And to put the icing on he cake I got my lawyer bill today. Another month where I have spent money fighting because he refuses to follow the court order.  I often feel like as soon as I decided I would ask God for help and admit I couldn’t do it myself he took a wrecking ball to my life and just keeps hammering away. 

I got a call from school that the girl was sick and I had to go get her and take her to urgent care. 

I was driving on the back road and swearing at God when I flew by one of the sloughs. I happened to look over and saw 4 swans peacefully floating on it. Something inside me snapped and I pulled off to the side and took a small moment of peaceful gratitude. 

It helped ground me a little and reminded me that God is everywhere. I had a couple of conversations with dear ones whose lives are also in the shitter. It reminded me that I’m not the center of the universe and that faith is all I have. 

So I went out and hugged my horse. He is proof that miracles happen. 

And I stood and watched the sunset – first the glow to the east and then over the mountains to the west – and that was happiness. 

To the east 


Fall cleaning 

The house is a disaster. To give them credit, the kids have helped a lot over the last 3 months – but still – the house is a disaster. 

Today there was some space in life and strength in my arm and I was able to get a little bit of the chaos dealt with. We all do so much better when the clutter is cleared. I have no desire to live in a museum, but my brain can’t relax in a mess either. 

So there was a start to get order back in life. I like to think I am carefree and don’t need a schedule,  but I sadly have to say that I do bette when there is somewhat of a routine. 

The happiness for today was making space for more freedom, peace, and joy in our home. 

And him 


Run to me

I went out this afternoon to share a treat with my pony. It’s been windy and I’ve not been feeling well, so he hasn’t had as much attention as I would have liked lately. 

He was out  in the middle of the field eating when he saw me walking towards him. He turned and galloped towards me. I know, it was mostly for the treats, but he did stop and give me a little head butt of affection before diving into his bucket. 

I prayed for this horse for so long, and by love and a miracle he’s in my yard. Happiness.