happiness

One down

Today I handed in my last paper for my first class in my masters program. Going back to school at this stage in my life was a huge and scary decision, but while I’ve cried many tears of frustration I’ve discovered how much I love learning again.

For the first time in a long time I’m really excited about the future – and actually about the present too.

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happiness

It’s genetics

I’ve really been missing my parents lately, I find the season change seems to make grief reappear in ways that are just as raw as at the beginning. Grief is not at all like how I expected it to be, it’s not something you get over, more something you learn to live with.

I was looking through some old photos and came across one from when my family came to visit us in Roanoke the first Christmas we were there. One day we all went out for lunch and then walked the streets of Salem window shopping. I was walking behind the family when I noticed my dad and my son doing the exact same walk.

It’s a photo we’ve talked about often, but one I hadn’t been able to find. My dad meant a lot to my boy, he was his role model and father figure, and it broke my boy’s heart that dad died right after we moved home.

But I see my dad in my son all the time, they’ve got the same build, the same mannerism, and the same insane sense of humour.

Those genetics are strong.

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happiness

Afraid of changing

I’ve always feared change, and if not feared it at least not welcomed it.

And yet my life has been full of change. Big moves, saying goodbye to friends and loved ones as I’d prepare my family for a new life.

This last move, our move home, should have been the easiest one of all- and yet it was not at all. The entire bottom fell out of my world and I had to stop and reassess everything I believed was true about my life.

I’m tired of change, I want things to stay the same, I want to get comfortable. And yet that’s not how one grows. Change is essential for growth, and pain is often what forces that to happen.

But sometimes change is beautiful. Letting go, even when we don’t want to, opens up the possibility for new and often better things and people to enter into our lives.

Today I had a beautiful fall drive through Bragg Creek to get my girl. It was a perfect day for leaf peeping and that’s a great area to do it in.

I’m learning not to resent all the change, some of it I’m embracing, and some of it I’m getting excited about.

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happiness

(Reluctantly) embracing change

Today I was informed I was to ride a different horse in my lesson. Even when I rode all the time and was young and brave, I was hesitant to ride new horses. I’ve always been part badass brave and part chicken shit, but my confidence isn’t what it used to be. However I’m finding the more I’m riding the braver I’m getting – in the saddle and in life.

This new horse is huge! And he’s my instructors horse so he’s very well trained. After I got over my fear of heights I discovered I was really enjoying myself. It’s a constant challenge, these lessons, and I am always learning new things I can work on.

I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed with my program lately, going back to school at this stage of life has not been easy. Riding helps me stay brave in all areas of my life

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