What a year brings

A year ago this morning at 2am I got the call from Tanya at the hospital that mom had let go and gone to join dad in heaven.

I remember our middle of the night drive in when I turned to my sister and said we are orphans! And she responded with Im too young to be an orphan! I totally agreed. I don’t feel equipped to not have parents.

But what a lot I’ve learned in a year.

First I learned how much mom did, how much she helped us grieve, and how much estate work she did when dad died. I felt like my sister and I were a part of that process, but now what we’ve been doing it ourselves I realize how much mom did. And how she was there to lean on when we grieved.

I’ve learned how important my sister is to me. I don’t know how I would have made it through without her to cry and laugh with. I feel like our friendship has deepened in a way it wouldn’t have without sharing this grief together.

I’ve learned how fortunate I am to come from this tribe. My family and my friends have carried me through some dark days and brightened my smile on some lighter ones. We cannot do this thing called life alone.

I’ve learned how incredibly important my faith is.

I’ve learned how to say goodbye whether I want to or not.

And I’ve learned that at the end of the day all there is is love 💕. The rest is just noise.


His little face

I came home tonight from a friends house tired and ready for bed. I looked into the house as I pulled up and I saw Aladdin’s little face staring out the window at me.

He sleeps with me every night and he gets upset if I’m not there at bed time. I’ve noticed that if I’m out he will sit and stare out the window waiting for me to come home so he can go to bed.

The power of love 💕


The night before

It’s the night before the boy writes his first diploma exam. We are at the half way mark of his last year of high school.

He’s nervous, but there’s a lot of peace in knowing he’s qualified and accepted into his program for next year already.

But still exams are stressful.

Also stressful in a different way is realizing he’s about to head off into the world. My role in his life will change, and I’m so grateful I’ve had the privilege of watching him grow into this amazing human.


Just keep swimming

I was offered a chance to ride today – on the same horse that gave me the meltdown earlier this week.

This time I wasn’t filled with anxiety, I didn’t think he was going to flip on me, I wasn’t so insecure I could barely ride. What a difference a few days makes.

I’ve found with all the crap that has happened over the last few years that I’m more afraid of things than I used to be. But I’m also aware that I’m stronger than I ever thought I was. So as long as I just keep swimming, I know I’ll get where I need to go.

Horses have always been the best way for me to work through my emotions and reflect back to me the best and most difficult parts of my life.

Conquering my fears here is helping me gain confidence in other areas of my life as well.


Speech preparation

It was our monthly 4H meeting tonight. I’m so grateful my kids got involved in this club. I loved Pony Club and got a lot out of it, but 4H is amazing in a completely different way.

They’re organizing and preparing their speeches for communication day which is coming up soon.

It’s been fascinating to see how they’ve grown and gained confidence over the last year and a bit since they’ve been part of this club. Life skills that they will use forever.


Crying on horseback

I rode a different horse in my lesson today. This one was very similar in height to Drishti and apparently it brought out all the fears I had stuffed down inside.

When I got on I commented to my instructor that I was feeling a little nervous, but we kept going and I was fine. After about 15 minutes we stopped so she could explain something to me and I burst into tears. Not just a couple but a whole river leaked out.

And she said that makes perfect sense, you’ve experienced trauma. And I thought haha you have no idea

So finished crying and then kept riding. And I felt so much better.

Earlier today I was reading about grief and how you have to cry all the tears you need to before you can be done. If you have 24 tears to cry, then crying 17 isn’t enough

I have tears left to cry. So much changed so quickly. Dad died, I got divorced, the boy got sick, I fell off my horse and broke my shoulder, mom died, the girl got sick, I sold my horse. And in all that we were still processing the trauma from Mr. X.

Ignoring the feelings isn’t the solution. Feeling the feelings and allowing them to move through and release – that’s the solution.

How you do one thing is how you do everything. Horses have always been my spiritual healer.