Yesterday my husband went golfing. It was finally a nice, sunny day and after what felt like the longest winter ever he was eager to get back out to play. When he came home I casually said “I’m glad you got to go golfing, it’s been a long time.” And he said some thing like “Yeah, it did feel good. It’s been too long, it was nice to get back at it.” He did look happy, and I had made my comment in all sincerity.

That night as I was lying in bed waiting for the Sandman to come dust my eyes for some reason that conversation came back to me. But, it came back in a completely different way. I started thinking – it was really nice for him that he got to go golfing again. He does really enjoy it. It’s been a couple of months since he’s golfed last. Since we moved here three years ago he’s golfed several times a week. It’s his bliss and he likes it. My bliss is horses. I seriously can’t remember the last time I rode a horse. Was it the lessons I took 5 years ago in Rhode Island? I seriously can’t even remember. How did that happen?

And more importantly, if it’s ok for the people around me to follow their bliss and do things that bring joy to their lives why is it not ok for me to do the same?

I will be completely honest here for a moment and say that all the yoga and meditation and even my study of Ayurveda that I have made my life over the past few years I do because I’m trying to connect my Spirit to the Source of Goodness. I do it to try to find inner peace that I can share with the outside world. To find stillness and calmness and joy and love. A connection that I have known my entire life I can find on the back of a horse. A connection I knew before I even knew that bliss and happiness were something that people ever had to search for. I never had to search for it because I knew exactly where it was. It was out in the field eating grass. Because I’ve not been able to ride I’ve tried to search out other methods of trying to find that inner bliss balance.

I spent a great deal of time today trying to figure out exactly why it is that I’m not riding. Why is it not ok for me to do what makes my heart sing? What made me decide it was ok to put my dreams on the back burner?

I stopped at that one and said to myself that some of my dreams had to be put on the back burner because I’ve been raising kids and there’s not time and money to do both. But then I thought about what kind of kids it is that I want to raise. Do I want to raise kids who grow up to never follow their dreams and passions? If there’s one thing that I want both kids to do it’s to follow their bliss and find the path in life that makes them happy. So what kind of role model follows a life path that is the opposite of that? I thought of how we always say we’re doing all this sacrificing so that it will pay off. If I die tomorrow will it have paid off for anyone – or will I just have a lot of missed opportunities to have followed paths that would have been bliss-filled?

If I could go back and do it all over again I would have made certain that I chose life paths that were shining with bliss. I would have made sure that all my responsibilities were met in ways that brought joy and happiness into my life and the lives of those around me. I honestly can’t believe that God put us on the Earth to be miserable rather that we are here to discover how to live in joy and love and peace.

I have realized that my biggest obstacle in achieving a lot of my bliss is my own darn self. Yes, there are naysayers in my life – people who either intentionally or unintentionally convey that they don’t feel that I’m capable of following my dreams. But the voice that is the strongest and the loudest is my own. I have the choice to listen to my positive voice (and the positive voices of others) but for some reason the negative ones always seem so much louder and stronger.

A loud negative voice is that one that says I’m selfish if I want to do things that make *me* happy. Yet I always try to encourage others to do the things that make them happy. Sometimes I even selfishly do it hoping that it will turn around back to me with the opportunity for me to do something that makes my heart sing. Which I know is wrong, those gifts should be given without wanting or expecting anything in return. I’m still working on that one.

But, the example I want to set for the kids is that of following my bliss, doing things that make my heart sing – but doing it with a balance of holding and helping their dreams too. I don’t think it works when it’s just one person dream following and everyone else is being dragged along. I don’t want to have my dreams at the expense of those that I love. How to find that balance is going to be an interesting job.

Ugh. See, this is what rainy Mondays do to me. Too much time for thinking.

For the record – I don’t think my life is crap. I am blessed in ways that I can’t even begin to describe. I have the two most loving joy filled little humans with whom I get to share my days and for that I am eternally thankful. I do feel though like I’m at a shifting point in my life and it truly is time to begin to reach out for those things that bring peace and joy and bliss.

So, my resolve is to find a way to get a horse back into my life after our next move. In some way, shape or form to make that happen. If you have an unfulfilled bliss-wish what would it take to make it true?