Category Archives: death

calgary, dad, death, family, federal hill, gnocchi, gratitude, happiness, home, italian food, mercato, mourning, pasta, rhode island, simon and garfunkel, swans, venda ravioli

Sometimes happiness is a belly full of pasta

One of the perks of living in Rhode Island was that we had easy access to good Italian food (American/Italian food some of it, but the Italian part was strong). One of my favourite things to do was to head up to Federal Hill and go to Venda Ravioli for lunch and some food shopping. I loved everything about that area, but I especially loved sitting outside at Venda Ravioli, near the fountain, and having a beautiful bowl of fresh pasta. It made my soul feel comforted.

After leaving RI we didn’t have easy access to good, fresh, Italian food. One time in Roanoke, Jenna and I made ravioli at home – it was delicious, but it didn’t end up being something we did on a regular basis. All three of us get strong cravings for good, fresh pasta that has been made with love. That’s harder to find than you’d think.

Today we had a doctor’s appointment in Calgary. A big deal since finding a doctor here is not an easy feat. She seems really nice and I think it’s going to be a good fit, so we all left our appointment happy. On the way back out to Cochrane I stopped at our post office to pick up a package. The powers that be at Canada Post have decided that the best place for me to pick up parcels is some obscure place in SW Calgary, nowhere near any place I go.

By the time we were finished with the doctor and had the parcel it was 11:00 so we decided to stop for lunch. Even if we had kept going to Cochrane, by the time the kids had arrived at school it would have been lunch time. So, we slowed down and enjoyed the moment.

I had noticed before that there was an Italian restaurant beside the post office and it had a good vibe so I figured we would try having lunch there. Mercato – a little piece of pasta heaven. The inside was completely different from Venda Ravioli and the owner didn’t come around to the tables serenading us, but the food…. the food brought me right back to my lovely pasta meals by the fountain on Federal Hill.

I ordered gnocchi and the kids had spaghetti and meatballs (how can you ever go wrong with that when you’re a kid?). As soon as the food came the table got very quiet. Besides the odd moan and oh my God this is good there wasn’t a lot we could say. Until we were done that is and Jacob jumped off his chair and ran over to their grocery section and informed us that we were bringing a mini lasagne home for supper.

Today felt like a day that I needed more comforting. I’m not exactly sure why, but the past couple of days I feel like I’ve been missing Dad even more. I keep running into things that remind me of him: Simon and Garfunkel keep playing on the radio, the swans are back on the slough, I had a bunch of things I wanted to talk to him about, the kids keep saying how much they miss him. A few times I’ve forgotten that he’s actually dead and I want to go over to tell him something and then I realize I can’t.  It’s been sad but good as I let those emotions flow through me. I know it’s all part of the process, but I’ve needed a bit more love and comfort.

Sometimes comfort comes in the form of a big bowl of gnocchi. It is more comforting to share that meal with loved ones and there’s no one I would want to share my happiness moment today with than my monsters.


Well… and maybe share a dessert with.

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alberta, death, fall, gratitude, happiness, home, jann arden, mountains, mourning

The Sound Of… love, tears, mourning, joy….

I have been a fan of Jann Arden for years and for many reasons. First and foremost I love her music, she’s a fellow Calgarian, so she’s one of ours – specifically she’s from the Springbank/Bragg Creek area making our degree of separation that much closer. I’ve seen her in concert and she’s not only has an amazing voice, but she’s hysterically funny. My daughter called her the ya-ya lady for years as we listened to her CD’s over and over in the car (she does tend to ya-ya a lot).

These past few months though, I’ve had a different bond with her. Our Dads were dying at the same time, and we were standing helpless on the side with our hearts breaking. Mine died the end of May, hers the end of August.

She kept a constant stream of posts on her Facebook page allowing those of us who follow her to remain updated on her parents’ health. The time right around when my Dad died it was too painful for me to read, but I’ve kept tabs on her and her family when I could (not in a creepy stalker way…)

Today I was driving through Bragg Creek (ironically) when a Jann Arden song came on the radio. It hit me like that punch in the gut. First I listened to her, then I thought of her dad, then I thought of mine. This thing I am going through that sometimes feels like I am the only one who gets how I feel, is in reality not like that at all. This thing I am going through everyone goes through at some point. Then the decision is how you walk through that thing and whom you choose to have walk along with you.

I feel like I’m holding hands with both Joy and Sadness (and sometimes Anger and Fear) as I go though this. Some of the lessons I’m learning about myself bring me great happiness. Realizing all the loving and thoughtful things my dad did that I’m just starting to realize now that he’s not here to do them anymore brings me both sadness and happiness at the same time. But, I’m very much aware that I’m not alone in this journey. I have friends and family who have been on this path, I have people like Jann who are able to describe so beautifully how this experience feels. Even though her own journey is different than mine, so many of the emotions are the same.

My happiness moment today was driving in the rain through Bragg Creek – even with the clouds it is one of the prettiest drives and brings happiness to my heart – while I listened to Jann Arden sing The Sound Of. (And the best line from that song: life is simple like the wrinkles on my skin)

I just let my heart be happy and sad at the same time. The same way that Mother Nature made the area where I was driving beautiful; with the golden leaves on the trees and the layers of gray clouds resting along the foothills, contrasting with the cold and wet of the rain pelting down on the car. Emotion soup all mixed in together.

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