Today I was blessed to have the opportunity to be truly amazed and humbled by the unconditional and selfless love that Jenna has for me.

She’s not one to hide her feelings and I have always known that she absolutely loves me to bits (and the feeling is completely mutual – trust me). This little baby who was born while we were getting ready to move across the country came into our lives in a time of such stress. My husband was on the road when she was only 6 weeks old and we moved with her when she was only 5 months old. I was so stressed out at the time and with a good douse of postpartum depression to boot it was just an all around difficult first few months.

We came back to Calgary a month after we moved in July 2005 for a family trail ride and I spent the majority of the days by myself with Jenna walking up and down beside the creek jiggling her in her stroller. It was when my post partum left me and I was filled with the most amazing love for this beautiful strong girl.

She has always had my back – no matter what, no questions asked. Anyone makes me upset and they have to deal with the wrath of Jenna. Case in point, we befriended a young man earlier this year who was in need of some friendship. We were friends with him during a difficult time for him when his mom was sick, but soon found out that he was not a person of character, and not someone that was good for us to have around our family. After we broke ties with him we saw him one time downtown. Jenna looked at him and made the biggest scowley face I’ve ever seen. I asked her why she did that and she said “He hurt my mommy, so now I”m mad at him.”

A lighter example of her protective nature is if Jacob and I are fooling around and I say “Jenna, Jacob’s hurting me” she comes at him barrels blazing – nobody hurts my mommy!!!

Today we were at the gas station and when we left the building a car went by. Far away – we were on the sidewalk still and the car was out by the pumps. But when the car went by Jenna threw her arm out in front of me to block me and then moved her body in front of me like she was trying to shield me.

I asked her what she was doing and she said she wasn’t sure that I’d seen the car and she didn’t want me to get hurt by it. I said to her – you know I’m the parent and it’s my job to protect you – not the other way around right? She just said yeah, but I didn’t want you to get hurt and I need to protect you.

I was so completely humbled by the pure and intense love this little person has for me. What a true and blessed gift from God. I am so thankful for my little Pussycat!

Since I have started doing my morning walks along “Coffee River” (the Roanoke River – given the nickname by the kids because it is often dark and muddy and the colour of coffee) I have become frenemies with both Henry and Heidi Heron. I have separate frenemy relationships with them – I’m not sure of their relationship with each other, but I assume it’s much like the one they have with me. One, that is, of tolerance, and reluctant acceptance.

I have become aware of the fact that I am the only person who seems to take notice of Heidi and Henry. In fact, most people don’t seem to take notice of much at all on the path. To be fair, the couple of times I have brought my husband with me, the experience is completely different – more talking and less taking in of the environment. While the conversation is important, this morning quiet time with nature has quickly become a sacred time to me.

Back to the herons.

Every once in a while I would not see Henry – I rarely see Heidi, but Henry is usually in one of two spots doing his morning thing. It wasn’t until I didn’t see him that I realized how I really had started looking for them every morning – more than anything else on the walk. In fact, the walks had become me wondering where and when I would see one of the herons.

When I do find one of them, I usually stop and stare at them for a while. They’re such big, cool and kinda funky birds I found myself really drawn to them. Here’s one lucky day when Henry let me get really close to him:

As happens every time, if they figure I’ve been standing there for too long they scream and swear at me and then fly away:

Sometimes he flies away and other times he flies to a treetop and really tells me off (you might even say he sits up there and “gives me the bird”!!!)

I started to wonder – why were these herons appearing in my life, and what was it about them that was making me stop and take notice? There certainly is something that draws them to me, and me to them.

I did a little research about the spiritual meaning of the heron. Here’s a little of what I learned:

The heron is equally comfortable in the water, on the land and in the air. The comfort in these different elements means that it makes transitions easily. Something that I certainly could use right now as a reminder that transitions don’t always have to be difficult and scary, but sometimes are just a part of life. Not only are they able to make these transitions with ease, but they remain stable in each of their environments.

They are also very focused but quiet hunters. They will stand completely still staring at the water for hours until the right fish comes by and then *snap* the fish has become dinner – just like that. I can learn a lot about staying quiet and completely focused on what I want, refusing to get distracted by anything besides that which immediately threatens my livelihood. Sometimes it would seem for Henry that thing is me threatening him. He does not like it when I stop and stare.

Sometimes in the mornings I also see the “human heron”. I love that not only is he there with his fishing rod, but he also has a camera

He’s almost impossible to see- but he’s on the left side at the edge of where the sun is shining. He’s all hiding and quiet like – just like Henry and Heidi

One of the best things I’ve done this fall has been going for morning walks along the Roanoke River after I drop the monsters off at school. It has brought some much needed peace and clarity to my life. My walks are not power walks but more like morning meanders as I have to stop and look at everything along the way. I have my frenemy Henry Heron and several cats and ducks that I have to search out and wish a good morning to.

But, last week I came across a tree that I absolutely fell in love with. It’s big and bold and lives alongside the water. The way it’s roots are growing look like a giant foot sticking it’s toes into the water.

Here’s the tree, you can kind of see it’s “foot” at the bottom

A close up of the foot

I am so grateful that I have the time and the ability to stop and appreciate the wonder that is in nature. So often I get all stressed and anxious and I miss so much of the greatness that is around me. In these moments in the morning when I have nothing to do besides walk and think and wonder I am learning to breathe and flow.

And if I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
Well, Id buy you a K-Car
A nice reliant automobile
And if I had a million dollars, I’d buy your love

This song always makes me laugh. Especially since back in the day my sister and I had to drive a K-Car. By far the most embarrassing thing that could ever happen to a couple of teenage girls. We called it the Biddy (because only an old Biddy would drive it).

I read last night that someone in South Carolina won a 400$ million jackpot and hadn’t as of yet claimed it. I could not imagine not claiming 400$ forget 400,000,000$. But, that’s just me.

It got me to thinking though. What would you do with a million dollars? or 400 million? I started thinking about what my life would be like if money wasn’t an object. Here’s what it would look like:

I would buy an acreage on Vancouver Island. My little family is so incredibly fortunate because we have an extended family whom we love and who loves us so much. And yet, we live thousands of miles away from them. I want to live closer to home. I would love to live in Alberta again, but part of me thinks that I am better suited for the Island. We would be less than a 2 hour flight home or a 12 hour car ride. Easy peasy. Plus, since money’s not a problem, we could fly home whenever we wanted to visit (or when it’s -40 I’m sure we’d have lots of house guests!)

My acreage would be close to a barn so I could go riding. My biggest regret and spiritual loss has been giving up horses. They do wonders for my soul and I believe should be part of one’s daily life.

We would have a vegetable garden where we could plant and eat our own food. What a great experience for the kids and I that I could show them how to cook and eat the food that we planted ourselves! We would also have a beautiful flower garden that we could relax and read in (and have killer croquet games!!)

The kids would be able to pursue their sports and other activities without having to worry if we could afford it. And even more important, they would have the time and the ability to just be kids and play outside with their friends. To hear the laughter of my monsters really enjoying their childhood is the best sound I can ever hear.

I would continue to study Ayurveda. Eventually I would also get my yoga teaching certification and would open a yoga studio. A fun one like All That Matters in Wakefield, RI.

I would have a peach tree in my yard and we would reread James and the Giant Peach under said tree.

I would go to Murchie’s on a regular basis for tea.

I would go to the ocean and put my toes in.

I’d finally do yoga on the beach.

I would take Jacob and Jenna to all the haunts that I used to go to when I went to the Island as a child.

We would laugh and giggle and be silly.

We would surround ourselves with good friends and our family and live with love.

Then we’d be “rich”.

Monday morning I was exceptionally stressed and anxious. This is something I do well – being stressed and anxious. I like to find things to worry about when I should be remembering to breathe and laugh. In my defense, right now there is a lot going on in our house and it is filled with stress and anxiety (not entirely my own). There is nowhere to escape and nowhere to breathe it feels sometimes.

I was sitting at the kitchen table having my breakfast and looking out at the mountain trying to live in the moment and breathe and do all the things I knew I should be doing. What I was really doing was sitting there thinking “OMG, how am I ever going to get through this day and not go crazy from the stress? I feel like there’s an elephant on my back. I can’t breathe. I think I’m having a panic attack, maybe I’m going to die.”

Then I took a deep breath and said to myself “ok self – what are you going to do?”

And my heart responded immediately with “go outside for a walk.”

Even then I had to play the doubt game and ask “really? Can’t I just go downstairs and go on the elliptical and watch something on the IPad?”

“No, go outside.”

I have done a good job of ignoring my inner self these past few years and that morning I decided to continue on my new path of listening and healing. So, I went for a walk.

I loved it! It was beautiful and peaceful. There were a few other people on the trail and most of them greeted me with a friendly smile and a “good morning”. The ones who didn’t were jogging and looked like they were about to die – I didn’t expect them to be able to wheeze out a ‘morning.

Every morning this week I have made the drive to the Roanoke River for my morning walk. Every morning there’s something different and something enjoyable. 4 of the mornings I have snuck up on a heron who is irrationally irritated by my presence. He doesn’t seem to mind the other people walking along the path, but he hates that I stop to look at him. He scream/swears at me and flies across the river and gives me irritated looks. I found a litter of kittens playing in the rocks (their house was along the river). I found a whole society of early morning walkers who go out with smiles on their faces and who greet the day. And now, I’m one of them.

Interestingly I feel happier and less anxious after my walks. Already I feel this even though I’ve only been doing it for 6 days. It takes longer than that for antidepressants to kick in – just sayin’. I am a firm believer in avoiding any medication if at all possible. This kind of self-care has a huge pay-off.

It’s a rainy and dreary day here today. The best kind of day to slow down and sit by the fire and read (or blog). It’s nice to have the space to breathe!

Meditating is not something that I come to easily. Prior to my commitment to learn and live with Ayurveda I avoided meditation whenever possible when it was offered at the the end of yoga class. In fact, just this past winter when I was at Kripalu, most mornings and afternoons I would finish a really yummy yoga class and the instructor would offer that anyone who wanted could remain for some extra time to meditate. But, my stomach was already at breakfast or supper and I rolled up my mat and hightailed it out of there.

It would have been good for me to stay and meditate.

I knew that it would help with my anxiety. I knew it would help with my general wellbeing. And yet, every chance I had I ran from meditating.

You see, I was not really wanting to stop and listen to what was going on inside my head. I was terrified of sitting with the silence.

But, when I began my course I also committed to doing meditation for 20 minutes twice a day. TWICE A DAY!! Oh the agony! I struggled by myself for the first month (tortured myself would be a better way to put it), and did some guided meditations before finally settling down and taking the meditation course offered with my class.

I loved it

I hated it

I’m still not sure how I feel about it. But, I do know that I’m meditating twice a day now and that I find ways to fit it into the day instead of finding ways to avoid it.

My daughter, who is 8, asked me about a month ago if she could start meditating with me. I knew I was in no position to show her how to meditate properly being so new at it myself. But, I also didn’t want to discourage her. I didn’t explain to her the deep meanings of mantras, I didn’t describe to her how when you really relax into meditation you may see images. I simply told her to lie beside me and close her eyes and say the word love, love, love over and over in her mind. We set the timer and away we went.

I tried to focus on my mantra (but mostly focused on what we had had for supper, the fun I’d had with the kids at the pool, when did we have to go back to school shopping, how much laundry did I have to catch up on, if that itch on my back was going to drive me insane before the 20 minutes was up…)

When we were done, Jenna turned to me and said “I thought I’d feel lonely and bored while I lay there. But I didn’t. I said love, love, love, over and over and I saw you beside me and we went to the kitchen and made naan bread and hugged and were together. I really liked it.”

There, she broke through barriers I can only hope to find in my mind. Her openness is so refreshing. She talked about it so much that my son, who is 12, started joining us as well. We started doing Deva Primal’s 21 day meditation together and they actually look forward to the time of the evening when we will gather together and meditate.

I am so incredibly grateful for this gift. To learn to sit and meditate. love, love love,

Namaste