Back in the day I used to be quite the hell raiser (sorry mom and dad). I don’t even know what it was about me that made me want to be a hell raiser, but I was. I lived by my heart and my gut and reacted strongly from both. This led to both wonderful situations and very difficult situations being created. For the most part though, I can say I lived true to myself, honored my own spirit and generally believed I was doing the right thing for me.
Somewhere along the way (actually I know exactly where) I sold myself out. I made the conscious decision to not be a hell raiser anymore. I decided to take the safe route, to try and not upset people, to make what society considered smart decisions – and as a result, to give up on what I believed, desired and wanted, I gave up on my bliss.
Stupid move eh? It was made with the best of intentions at the time. I had no idea then the effect it would have on the rest of my life. Ironically, I don’t believe it made anyone else any happier that I stopped raising hell, and I certainly paid a hefty price for giving up on who I was.
So, here I sit at 43 having spent the past couple of years reflecting on how the choices I have made have led me to this moment in time. Some of those choices have been awesome and I would not trade them for anything, some of them I certainly would have taken the left path instead of the right had I been aware of where that path was going.
The point is though, that I am here at this moment and place in time and no amount of what-ifs will ever change that. And the moment and place in time that I’m in is a pretty good one.
However…
I have discovered that I have a little hell left to raise. I have discovered that a really good part of me was lost when I gave up raising hell. I have also discovered that I have mellowed with age and that the hell I want to raise is not as loud and as abrupt as the hell I raised in my youth.
I watch my children grow up and start to raise some of their own hell. I hope they never lose that spark that makes them *them*. I want them to raise their own sort of hell as they figure out who they are and how they are going to live in this world. I want them to follow their own paths (even if it’s not the path I would choose for them). THEIR own paths – the ones they were put on this planet to follow and only they know how they will get there.
And if they’re worthy of raising a little hell to follow their paths of least resistance, then I am too.
This morning I was listening to Raise A Little Hell by Trooper. These lyrics pretty much sum up exactly where I am right now:
If you don’t like what you got, why don’t you change it?
If your world is all screwed up, then rearrange it?
Raise a little hell, raise a little hell, raise a little hell!
Raise a little hell, raise a little hell, raise a little hell!
If you don’t like what you see, why don’t you fight it?
If you know there’s something wrong why don’t you right it?
Raise a little hell, raise a little hell, raise a little hell!
Raise a little hell, raise a little hell, raise a little hell!
In the end it comes down to your thinking
And there’s really nobody to blame
When it feels like your ship is sinking
And you’re too tired to play the game
Nobody’s going to help you
You’ve just gotta stand up alone
And dig in your heels and see how it feels
To Raise a little Hell of your own
In that last verse I realized that that is exactly where I am. For years I looked for someone to help me. Finally in the past couple of years I realized that in fact I just had to stand up alone, dig in my heels and see how it feels to raise a little hell of my own! And here I stand.
