Indra’s Net

I woke up at 3am today. Lately I’ve been doing lots of waking up at 3am which means I must be hella stressed. Usually though when I wake up in the middle of the night I lie there and stress about the problems of the world, while lately I just lie there and think about God and where I fit in the universe. Much lighter thinking haha.

This morning (is 3am morning? I feel like it’s still deep night time, or when I was younger it was time to come home) I woke up to a vision of Indra’s Net. Perhaps I’ve been feeling very disconnected lately. I think Covid has a lot of us feeling disconnected and confused. Alberta in particular seems to be filled with anger, confusion, and chaos as we are being divided between the vaccinated and the unvaccinated. While I am one of the vaccinated, and strongly believe in it, I don’t like how we are fighting with each other when we would do better to work together.

So anyway, with that I’m feeling a bit separated and confused and waking up to the image of Indra’s Net was kind of perfect.

Indra’s Net is a spider like net that spreads infinitely in all directions. In each “eye” of the net, or where the threads join together, there is a beautiful jewel. Each brilliant jewel reflects every other jewel, which are infinite in number, and every reflected image holds the image of all the other jewels. Infinity to infinity, whatever affects one jewel affects them all. Everything contains everything else, but at the same time every individual jewel is not hindered or confused by the other jewels.

I love this idea because I often get hindered or confused by the other jewels.

In his book Hua-yen Buddhism: The Jewel Net of Indra (Pennsylvania State University Press, 1977), Francis Dojun Cook wrote,

“Thus each individual is at once the cause for the whole and is caused by the whole, and what is called existence is a vast body made up of an infinity of individuals all sustaining each other and defining each other. The cosmos is, in short, a self-creating, self-maintaining, and self-defining organism.” (Source here)

Instead of thinking that everything is part of a larger, collective whole, the idea is that everyone is the larger, collective whole, but also simply themselves at the same time.

I find this idea so completely abstract that it actually makes perfect sense to me. And I love the way it allows me to see how we are all connected. What affects one of us affects all of us. We are one being working together, but we are also our individual selves with the freedom to choose who and how we are. Some people I find it easy, and a beautiful privilege to think of being connected with, and some make me want to cut their jewel out of my beautiful web. The challenging ones are probably the most important ones as they probably reflect some unhealed aspect of myself. If their behaviours didn’t trigger something in me, who they are and what they do wouldn’t bother me and so I know there is more internal work for me to do in those areas.

Hopefully the 3am wake up time comes to an end soon, but until it does I find gratitude in the comforting thoughts that are coming to me during this time.



I am

The last few days this song has been playing in the background of my mind noise. When I meditate and am more quiet it plays loudly in the forefront. Clearly I need to pay attention to it.

It’s simple and yet incredibly powerful. When I sat down and played it today immediately surrounded by animals and slowly surrounded by kids who just sat and listened.

I am.

We all are this.


And now there’s Bear

I seem to have developed a rather odd coping skill for mourning those people I have loved and lost. I adopt pets.

Today marks three months since mom died. And apparently I dealt with that by adopting a dog. We named him Bear and he’s a cuddly, fluffy, gentle, huge bear of a guy.

Our Dotted Dog loves him, the kids are over the moon about him, the cats tolerate his existence. Bear thinks he’s died and gone to heaven.

We need some happiness infused in our lives, it’s been a rough few years. All of us are animal people and they bring a kind of peaceful joy.

He is happiness


The road to happiness is filled with tears and heartache

I think about what my concept of happiness was 3 years ago when I started this blog and where I am at with my journey now and I never imagined there would have been so much heartbreak and loss involved on this path. I took the month of February “off” to grieve and cry and be sad – but an interesting thing happened in that month – I actually came to a completely different understanding of what happiness is.

I had planned on just feeling sorry for myself and absorbing all the loss I’ve had in the last few years, but what ended up happening was I ended up really working on my spiritual connection. What I have discovered is my soul happiness, my peace, is coming through my connection to the Divine. I can tell when I am truly happy now – when I am listening to my inner guidance, following my instinct, living my Dharma, using the gifts that God gave me to shine my light.

I mean, I’ve known for a long time that the new shirt, book, song, whatever isn’t the key to happiness. And although having good and kind people in my tribe is essential, it doesn’t guarantee happiness either. What is bringing me a more peaceful happiness is the fact that I am settling into myself, I am deepening my connection to Source, I am learning to trust myself.

It’s a whole different game.

I had a very deep discussion with the girl today who is on her own journey to find peace and self acceptance. Personal growth and healing really should be more unicorns and rainbows – but it turns out the road is filled with tears and heartache. I mean, there are some rainbows (no unicorns yet, but one Drishti and that’s good enough), but it’s sure a lot bumpier a road than I had imagined.

On the other hand, I feel more like myself – probably than I ever had. I spend less time worrying about what other people think of me and my journey (I mean, I still worry about it – I’m a work in progress after all), and I am so much more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have been.

In the first few weeks after mom died I really wanted to just quit this blog. I didn’t want to be happy I wanted to be sad. I am grateful I took the time to be sad – interestingly it is bringing me closer to the happiness and peace I have been seeking all along.


Ghost of Christmas future

I’ve had a visit from my ghost of Christmas future. It wasn’t as dramatic or disturbing as what happened to Scrooge, but it was effective nonetheless.

It is weirdly motivating to have a glimpse into what could be my future if I don’t keep working at healing and getting stronger. It made me remember that my energy is sacred and when I give it away to the noise and chaos I get drained.

My energy is sacred.

And I can’t waste it.

I look at my long to do list and it’s mostly full of things I need to do to make other people happy – to meet their needs and requirements.

I wonder what would happen if I just didn’t do them and instead filled up that list with things that move my soul.


At C, spook right

I completely understand being afraid of things that are scary, but what really grinds my gears is when I’m afraid of things that I really love and actually want to do.

I had planned on just lunging Drishti today and slowly working my way back to being in the saddle (because the last 196 days haven’t been long enough) over the next week. But then I was there, and he was there, and it was quiet, and I decided that I’d had enough of being afraid of doing things I love.

It wasn’t easy though.

I parked him beside the mounting block, climbed up the steps, and then stood there and cried for about 15 minutes. Poor horse looked at me like I was crazy. All I could think was he was green to start with and now he’s had 6 months off – I’m in terrible shape – if I fall off no one knows I’m here. So I fixed that by sending a picture of me staring at my horse to my friend. There, at least if I was never heard from again someone would know where I was and that I died doing what I loved (ugh).

After a while I realized I wasn’t going to be able to get on using the mounting block. Heaven forbid I take the easy path. So I lowered a stirrup a couple holes and climbed on the old fashioned way. Good thing I was too busy focussing on not dying so I forgot I didn’t have enough strength or mobility in my left arm to do what I was asking. But I did it, I got on, he didn’t freak out, we went for a ride.

I schooled him, we did circles, serpentines, and then suddenly out of nowhere C turned into a monster and he had a massive spook at it. Why C? Why not! I was riding English this time and I was quite pleased to discover I still know how to hang on in that saddle anyway.

I love riding, it does something for my soul that nothing else can do. I can’t even explain the feeing except that it is what bliss feels like. I am so grateful that I found my Drishti, when I’m with him the stress of the world vanishes and all there is just happiness.

He had a big happy roll after


Morning in the mountains

I spent a quiet and much needed morning in the mountains today. Canmore is one of my favorite places to be, I feel like I’m getting a giant mountain hug, and that’s good for my soul.

Sometimes it’s important to take a little break from daily life and reset things, restore balance, regain focus, and that’s what I feel the last 24 hours did for me. That’s happiness.

Now I have more energy to give and can focus on the things that need to be done here.


Walk by faith

I keep asking God to shine light on the path I’m on so I can see where I’m going. I often forget that my walk is one of faith and that I need to rely on that and not on what I can see. I can’t see the big picture from where I’m at, but I have faith that He does – even if it doesn’t make sense and I get angry and yell a little bit.

I had an epiphany today as I was doing a tapping session. We were talking about being loved and being lovable and recalling times when we felt like we weren’t being loved or valued by someone in our lives who we felt should be loving us. Basically the lesson was that we are all worthy of love because we are lights of the Divine.

It got me thinking of the pain that comes with the rejection of love. I know I write a lot on here about the pain and suffering financially that my divorce has caused, I don’t talk as much about the pain and suffering on our hearts that this divorce has caused. I not only lost the person who was supposed to be my life partner, but my kids lost their dad. I mean, we all lost him years before I filed for divorce, but that’s what the divorce symbolizes on the deepest level. The result of being or feeling unloved. It hurt me that for years I was told I was unlovable and not worthy of love. It devastates me to see my children experience the same feeling. It hurts to be told you’re not worthy of love by someone you love.

And yet, sometimes that happens. Sometimes the fairy tale doesn’t happen. Sometimes the person who was supposed to love you is the person who hurts you the most. Even if it’s not complete destruction like in my case, we all hurt each other because we are human and we are flawed.

For years I was left feeling unlovable, unloved, unworthy – as were my kids. Financial struggles aside, this has been the hardest part of the family coming undone. And one of the most important things  has been us discovering, learning, training ourselves to believe, that we are worthy of love. All of us are. We are because it’s our birthright. We are all beloved children of God.

We are all worthy of love. Asrael asked me yesterday how deep does love go?

It must go to infinity (and beyond haha).

These kinds of moments bring me deep happiness because I can feel in my soul I’m one step closer to getting it. As a bonus happiness moment, we drove around and looked at Christmas lights while listening to Bob and Doug Mackenzie and laughing loudly. It was a great moment of joy and happiness. I love this time of the year.


Fly me to the moon 

My boy got a chance to show me how much he loves to jump today. For the first time I put him over some cavaletti- at first he thought they were the scariest things in the world, but in very short order he was running around, jumping them of his own accord. 

The boy can jump! I love to jump. Soon we will do this together. It’s passion, passion is happiness. 

On that note, I listened to the boy talk about his hopes and dreams on the way to town. It’s an exciting time with the whole world ahead of him. I hope nothing ever happens to crush his dreams, that he never lets that passion fade. Mostly that will mean not listening to the people who tell him it’s not possible. There are lots of dream killers, with both good and bad intentions. 

Listen to your soul. Let your heart sing. Find your dharma. That is the road to happiness.