I am

The last few days this song has been playing in the background of my mind noise. When I meditate and am more quiet it plays loudly in the forefront. Clearly I need to pay attention to it.

It’s simple and yet incredibly powerful. When I sat down and played it today immediately surrounded by animals and slowly surrounded by kids who just sat and listened.

I am.

We all are this.


And now there’s Bear

I seem to have developed a rather odd coping skill for mourning those people I have loved and lost. I adopt pets.

Today marks three months since mom died. And apparently I dealt with that by adopting a dog. We named him Bear and he’s a cuddly, fluffy, gentle, huge bear of a guy.

Our Dotted Dog loves him, the kids are over the moon about him, the cats tolerate his existence. Bear thinks he’s died and gone to heaven.

We need some happiness infused in our lives, it’s been a rough few years. All of us are animal people and they bring a kind of peaceful joy.

He is happiness


The road to happiness is filled with tears and heartache

I think about what my concept of happiness was 3 years ago when I started this blog and where I am at with my journey now and I never imagined there would have been so much heartbreak and loss involved on this path. I took the month of February “off” to grieve and cry and be sad – but an interesting thing happened in that month – I actually came to a completely different understanding of what happiness is.

I had planned on just feeling sorry for myself and absorbing all the loss I’ve had in the last few years, but what ended up happening was I ended up really working on my spiritual connection. What I have discovered is my soul happiness, my peace, is coming through my connection to the Divine. I can tell when I am truly happy now – when I am listening to my inner guidance, following my instinct, living my Dharma, using the gifts that God gave me to shine my light.

I mean, I’ve known for a long time that the new shirt, book, song, whatever isn’t the key to happiness. And although having good and kind people in my tribe is essential, it doesn’t guarantee happiness either. What is bringing me a more peaceful happiness is the fact that I am settling into myself, I am deepening my connection to Source, I am learning to trust myself.

It’s a whole different game.

I had a very deep discussion with the girl today who is on her own journey to find peace and self acceptance. Personal growth and healing really should be more unicorns and rainbows – but it turns out the road is filled with tears and heartache. I mean, there are some rainbows (no unicorns yet, but one Drishti and that’s good enough), but it’s sure a lot bumpier a road than I had imagined.

On the other hand, I feel more like myself – probably than I ever had. I spend less time worrying about what other people think of me and my journey (I mean, I still worry about it – I’m a work in progress after all), and I am so much more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have been.

In the first few weeks after mom died I really wanted to just quit this blog. I didn’t want to be happy I wanted to be sad. I am grateful I took the time to be sad – interestingly it is bringing me closer to the happiness and peace I have been seeking all along.


Ghost of Christmas future

I’ve had a visit from my ghost of Christmas future. It wasn’t as dramatic or disturbing as what happened to Scrooge, but it was effective nonetheless.

It is weirdly motivating to have a glimpse into what could be my future if I don’t keep working at healing and getting stronger. It made me remember that my energy is sacred and when I give it away to the noise and chaos I get drained.

My energy is sacred.

And I can’t waste it.

I look at my long to do list and it’s mostly full of things I need to do to make other people happy – to meet their needs and requirements.

I wonder what would happen if I just didn’t do them and instead filled up that list with things that move my soul.


At C, spook right

I completely understand being afraid of things that are scary, but what really grinds my gears is when I’m afraid of things that I really love and actually want to do.

I had planned on just lunging Drishti today and slowly working my way back to being in the saddle (because the last 196 days haven’t been long enough) over the next week. But then I was there, and he was there, and it was quiet, and I decided that I’d had enough of being afraid of doing things I love.

It wasn’t easy though.

I parked him beside the mounting block, climbed up the steps, and then stood there and cried for about 15 minutes. Poor horse looked at me like I was crazy. All I could think was he was green to start with and now he’s had 6 months off – I’m in terrible shape – if I fall off no one knows I’m here. So I fixed that by sending a picture of me staring at my horse to my friend. There, at least if I was never heard from again someone would know where I was and that I died doing what I loved (ugh).

After a while I realized I wasn’t going to be able to get on using the mounting block. Heaven forbid I take the easy path. So I lowered a stirrup a couple holes and climbed on the old fashioned way. Good thing I was too busy focussing on not dying so I forgot I didn’t have enough strength or mobility in my left arm to do what I was asking. But I did it, I got on, he didn’t freak out, we went for a ride.

I schooled him, we did circles, serpentines, and then suddenly out of nowhere C turned into a monster and he had a massive spook at it. Why C? Why not! I was riding English this time and I was quite pleased to discover I still know how to hang on in that saddle anyway.

I love riding, it does something for my soul that nothing else can do. I can’t even explain the feeing except that it is what bliss feels like. I am so grateful that I found my Drishti, when I’m with him the stress of the world vanishes and all there is just happiness.

He had a big happy roll after


Morning in the mountains

I spent a quiet and much needed morning in the mountains today. Canmore is one of my favorite places to be, I feel like I’m getting a giant mountain hug, and that’s good for my soul.

Sometimes it’s important to take a little break from daily life and reset things, restore balance, regain focus, and that’s what I feel the last 24 hours did for me. That’s happiness.

Now I have more energy to give and can focus on the things that need to be done here.