I think about what my concept of happiness was 3 years ago when I started this blog and where I am at with my journey now and I never imagined there would have been so much heartbreak and loss involved on this path. I took the month of February “off” to grieve and cry and be sad – but an interesting thing happened in that month – I actually came to a completely different understanding of what happiness is.
I had planned on just feeling sorry for myself and absorbing all the loss I’ve had in the last few years, but what ended up happening was I ended up really working on my spiritual connection. What I have discovered is my soul happiness, my peace, is coming through my connection to the Divine. I can tell when I am truly happy now – when I am listening to my inner guidance, following my instinct, living my Dharma, using the gifts that God gave me to shine my light.
I mean, I’ve known for a long time that the new shirt, book, song, whatever isn’t the key to happiness. And although having good and kind people in my tribe is essential, it doesn’t guarantee happiness either. What is bringing me a more peaceful happiness is the fact that I am settling into myself, I am deepening my connection to Source, I am learning to trust myself.
It’s a whole different game.
I had a very deep discussion with the girl today who is on her own journey to find peace and self acceptance. Personal growth and healing really should be more unicorns and rainbows – but it turns out the road is filled with tears and heartache. I mean, there are some rainbows (no unicorns yet, but one Drishti and that’s good enough), but it’s sure a lot bumpier a road than I had imagined.
On the other hand, I feel more like myself – probably than I ever had. I spend less time worrying about what other people think of me and my journey (I mean, I still worry about it – I’m a work in progress after all), and I am so much more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have been.
In the first few weeks after mom died I really wanted to just quit this blog. I didn’t want to be happy I wanted to be sad. I am grateful I took the time to be sad – interestingly it is bringing me closer to the happiness and peace I have been seeking all along.