Indra’s Net

I woke up at 3am today. Lately I’ve been doing lots of waking up at 3am which means I must be hella stressed. Usually though when I wake up in the middle of the night I lie there and stress about the problems of the world, while lately I just lie there and think about God and where I fit in the universe. Much lighter thinking haha.

This morning (is 3am morning? I feel like it’s still deep night time, or when I was younger it was time to come home) I woke up to a vision of Indra’s Net. Perhaps I’ve been feeling very disconnected lately. I think Covid has a lot of us feeling disconnected and confused. Alberta in particular seems to be filled with anger, confusion, and chaos as we are being divided between the vaccinated and the unvaccinated. While I am one of the vaccinated, and strongly believe in it, I don’t like how we are fighting with each other when we would do better to work together.

So anyway, with that I’m feeling a bit separated and confused and waking up to the image of Indra’s Net was kind of perfect.

Indra’s Net is a spider like net that spreads infinitely in all directions. In each “eye” of the net, or where the threads join together, there is a beautiful jewel. Each brilliant jewel reflects every other jewel, which are infinite in number, and every reflected image holds the image of all the other jewels. Infinity to infinity, whatever affects one jewel affects them all. Everything contains everything else, but at the same time every individual jewel is not hindered or confused by the other jewels.

I love this idea because I often get hindered or confused by the other jewels.

In his book Hua-yen Buddhism: The Jewel Net of Indra (Pennsylvania State University Press, 1977), Francis Dojun Cook wrote,

“Thus each individual is at once the cause for the whole and is caused by the whole, and what is called existence is a vast body made up of an infinity of individuals all sustaining each other and defining each other. The cosmos is, in short, a self-creating, self-maintaining, and self-defining organism.” (Source here)

Instead of thinking that everything is part of a larger, collective whole, the idea is that everyone is the larger, collective whole, but also simply themselves at the same time.

I find this idea so completely abstract that it actually makes perfect sense to me. And I love the way it allows me to see how we are all connected. What affects one of us affects all of us. We are one being working together, but we are also our individual selves with the freedom to choose who and how we are. Some people I find it easy, and a beautiful privilege to think of being connected with, and some make me want to cut their jewel out of my beautiful web. The challenging ones are probably the most important ones as they probably reflect some unhealed aspect of myself. If their behaviours didn’t trigger something in me, who they are and what they do wouldn’t bother me and so I know there is more internal work for me to do in those areas.

Hopefully the 3am wake up time comes to an end soon, but until it does I find gratitude in the comforting thoughts that are coming to me during this time.



Yoga and Yoda

We enjoyed a quiet Sunday – the family back together – on the last day of spring break that feels more like winter vacation. I can’t believe how much snow we have here.

I decided to get back to yoga. I’ve been working at relaxing my mind, but I need yoga to relax my body. And I haven’t been faithful about my yoga practice for a few years now. I think it’s the missing piece to healing my shoulder completely and to getting my strength back

My friend sent me this YouTube video

It has kept me in stitches all afternoon. Yoga and Yoda, complete relaxation. Family back together, complete happiness.


Shadows of the past 

We are now in our second month with no support from Mr. X.

I know I should be completely freaking out – we depend on that support and the knows it – but somehow this feeling of incredible calm has come over me – I don’t know how to explain it except to say that it’s God stuff.

The last few weeks I have been really focusing on strengthening my connection and my faith and I can feel the difference in my being. I saw one of my healers today and was describing our situation and how I was feeling. He said I seemed calmer and more grounded, and I do feel that way even though I feel like I should feel chaos. I have finally understood that I have been looking to a man for support who has shown time and time again he has no interest in being there in any capacity. I should have instead been looking to God who is always there for me. I’m not sure what this means for my path, but I’m exploring it.

I said that it was weird – that I now feel like my life is pretty regular and back to normal and suddenly WHAM something will happen to pull me back to the trauma. He said it was shadows of the past showing up.

In my session today I suddenly heard you have to make space, you have to make space, and he did something to my head and BAM space was made in my body. I could feel my third chakra light up and ama (toxins) was pulled from it down through my second chakra and out of my body. I’ve never felt anything like it before – but that feeling of clearing and space was immediate.

I have to make space, I have to clear out all the bad junk – the ama – so I can make space for new things to come into my life. So I can erase the shadows of the past.

So much healing is happening and my spiritual connection with God has increased so much. I often wish the journey was easier – but the person that I am turning into because of this? That is happiness.


Off balance 

A few weeks ago I had this amazing acupuncture treatment. I don’t know how to explain what he does, but it does weird and powerful things to my energy. 

I was telling him about the issue I was having staying connnected to God and a message I had received from Him that I was having a hard time figuring out (of course I wasn’t having a hard time figuring it out, I just wasn’t a fan of the message and wanted it to be something easier). 

He had me out my arm out and use all my force to stop him from pushing it down. I am weak apparently and it didn’t take much for him to break my hold. Then he told me to pick a spot to focus on (my drishti  before Drishti) and connect myself to my Source and hold my arm. He couldn’t move it no matter what he did. 

He said this is how strong you are when you are connected to God. Why would you go through life any other way? 

And then he grabbed my waist and pushed me sideways towards  the couch and said of course, when you’re totally focused and in balance, life has a way of coming at you ahd throwing you off balance where  you least expect it


Today I was a it riding Drishti and was all proud of myself. I had finally found a good balance of holding on and letting go. I was trusting him to run and have his head a little more and feeling so happy that I could literally let go of the reins and enjoy the ride. 

And of course he took that opportunity to stick his head between his legs and take off bucking. He was just having fun and I was able to stop him before I hit the ground. But a reminder that the balance of holding on and letting go is constant. And that even when I think I’ve got it all figured out the unexpected will happen. 

A good lesson to hold as we walk this path that has so much uncertainty. I know it’s being lit up as I need it to be, but I still want a stronger flashlight. 

There is a soul freedom I get on that horse I can’t get doing anything else. I connect myself to God and just am. It’s happiness. He’s awesome. 


Keeping focus on my Drishti

Sometimes it feels like this divorce will never end. Honestly, it is so frustrating to fight over and over about support that has already been decided on but that does not get paid. And we both end up spending so much money on lawyers to end up at the same place.

It’s why it’s so important for me to keep my focus on what’s important – to find my Drishti and tune in to that.

What is a Drishti?

A few years ago I first heard the term in an online yoga class I was taking. It refers to a point of focus – the idea being that where our gaze is directed our attention naturally follows. When you can focus in on a single object the chaos and distractions of the outside world disappear and you are able to let go of the anxiety and stress and can calm and focus your mind.

I would stand in tree pose and look out the window of our living room at the trees growing in the yard and focus on a branch. I would put in my mind the feeling I had when I was riding and let my love for my horses sit on that branch and become my Drishti.

So when I met this beautiful bay gelding who was named Stars, I knew that he was my Drishti and so Drishti he became.

Tonight I trudged out in the snow (snow!!!) to feed and visit him and spent a few minutes in gratitude for the fact that my drishti, my focus, the thing that I put my attention  on to close out the chaos and stress of the outside world, materialized into this loving, amazing Drishti who is becoming such an important part of my life and of my healing.

This is happiness. It is also proof that that you attract that which you put your attention on. So in all this painful ugliness that keeps getting stirred up in my divorce, I can now walk outside and see my real life Drishti and know that everything is going to be ok.

He is kinda cheeky sticking that tongue out 


Trusting myself 

I think what was much, much harder than when I lost trust and faith in Mr. X was when I lost trust and faith in myself. No matter what your relationship with someone, at some point they’re going to let you down or break your trust (granted some people excel at this a little bit more than others), but losing faith and trust in myself was devastating and is taking a long time to recover from.

It’s happening, I’m learning to trust again,  and I don’t second guess every single thing I do like I used to. I am learning to listen to my intuition again, I am understanding that even so I will make mistakes and that does not make me untrustworthy – just human. But it’s still a process and I’m still filled with more doubt than I want to be.

Horses and riding for me was always a very intuitive thing. More than I ever learned from any person (and I’ve had some great trainers and teachers who have shown me a lot), I’ve learned how to be with horses by trusting my intuition. I’ve always had one horse at a time and we have built a strong and unbreakable bond based on trust and love.

Then suddenly I didn’t have a horse anymore which really sucked as I went into my dark night of the soul years.

I was out with Drishti yesterday and a friend came over to see him. The yard was busy and he was being kind of a butt – not wanting to stand, just being uncomfortable and not listening. Instead of doing what I knew came naturally to me I also turned into an uncomfortable butt which made for a bad combination. My friend grabbed Drishti, sent him out on the lunge line to walk and said just trust your intuition -you know how to do all this, just let go and do it.

She was right and it was exactly what I needed to hear. Just let go of all the doubting voices that are telling me I’m doing things wrong and trust what my heart tells me to do.

So, this morning I went out when it was quiet and I rode and rode. And we bonded and I listened to my intuition, I listened to him, I connected. That’s what riding is for me – it is my Drishti – it lets all the noise of the outside world fade away so I can connect to God.

I have said it many times over the years that the yoga, the meditation, everything I have learned about how to find God, how to relax, how to release the anxiety – it was all things I just had when I was connecting with a horse.

And that is my happiness moment – my quiet circles this morning with my Drishti.


Transformational healing

I am blessed in that I am surrounded by a community of amazing healers. New ones keep entering my life at every step of my growth and what is happening is pretty awesome.

Today I had an appointment with someone who does transformational acupuncture. I don’t even know how to begin to describe the session, but it opened up a whole new path on my healing journey. It made me aware of issues that I’ve been dealing (and not dealing) with for years, it gave me some awareness of how to embrace them and how to work with them.

He kind of “Yoda’d me” with some wisdom. Some very obvious wisdom, but sometime I really need things dumbed down and said very plainly so that I can see how obvious it is.

We were talking about my life over the last few years and the journey of healing and growth that I have been on as a result of it. He pointed out (which I was aware of) that maybe the pain and dark times was to let me know for certain that I needed to strengthen my relationship with God, to walk His path, and to trust in my faith. That faith part has been a big deal the last couple of years. I really have learned that when I trust and have faith in God that he always comes through for me – maybe not in the way I had intended, but always in the way that is best.

But then he said that I needed to be really clear about how I was looking at things. Like when Yoda said do or do not, there is no try – he pointed out that I either have faith or I don’t, that I either am happy or I’m not. There’s no in between. If I say I’m seeking happiness, then I’m not happy. If I’m happy, I’m enjoying my life of happiness, sitting in that moment with it, not seeking it because it is already with me. Same thing with faith – I either have faith that God has a plan for me and that I’m walking a spiritual path with Him, or I have doubt that I’m doing the wrong thing and that He does not have my back. I’ve been filled with doubt – even when I’ve been focusing on my faith. My brain loves to grab all of the what ifs and go crazy with them.

And why do I not always have faith? I know to the core of my soul that God has been holding my hand and walking me through this tornado of pain and emotions that has been raging around me. I feel His love, I know He is there for me. Why do I sit in doubt and fear when happiness and faith is an option? He is offering me peace in the storm and I so often choose to stand fearfully alone in the turmoil.

Seriously. It’s so simple and yet SO  hard.

But, now I am aware of that and my intention is to walk in faith, in happiness, and in peace. I know what it feels like and I believe that we were meant to have both in this life.

And THAT is my happiness moment.  



the ups and downs

I’m not going to lie… today I was in a pretty crappy mood. I did a session of healing light yoga – and while it generally makes me feel good, and always makes me feel better in the long run – today it made me pissy and upset. Love how that energy moves around all those stored emotions and lets them come bursting out. Ugh.

This evening as I was driving the boy home from school we saw a huge fire in the direction of our homes.  I knew it wasn’t our house based on the location, but it looked like either the community hall or my cousin’s place and that freaked me out. We drove as fast as we could to get to where the fire was – it was a trailer that caught fire on the highway. Many phone calls were placed between cousins to find out what was going on, and we were all relived that everyone was ok, the fire didn’t spread, and that it didn’t affect any of our homes.

It kind of put things back in perspective for me though. Not only do I have this home that is filled with love to live in, but we are surrounded this tribe and we all care for and look out for each other. It’s not something that everyone has, and it’s not something that we had for our 10 years spent as gypsies. I’m so grateful for that and I’m so happy to be here surrounded by these people. Happiness moment….

It’s not our thanksgiving, but I sure have a lot to be thankful for. I loved seeing all my American friends celebrate their blessings online today.


Third chakra stuff 

I did some Healing Light Yoga today focusing on the third chakra. I did this a week or so ago and it made me realize some pretty amazing things about my emotional energy. This time was probably as profound, but in a totally different way. 

I love that somehow I have ended up in this place where I can really play with how this energy works. It’s something I’ve always been aware of, but have been so in awe and uncertain of it. I’ve been kind of afraid to experiment  much with what that energy can do until now. 

Feeling the different energies move and shift as I worked with them today was my moment of happiness. It’s all part of this Ayurvedic healing journey and I’m so grateful for I’m on it. 


Embrace your light

I was reminded this morning that I have forgotten how to breathe. Not in the OMG I’m not going to suffocate and die at this moment way, but that somehow I’ve forgotten how to breathe into my peace and bliss. Sometimes I get so caught up in life, running around trying to put out fires, that I forget that one of the best things I can do for myself is to just stop and breathe. Slowly, deeply, inhaling that healing breath. It never ceases to amaze me what an immediate difference that makes to my nervous system.

I was doing the first of the new series of Healing Light Yoga Therapy classes lead by my friend and mentor Asrael. I have done every series she has offered so far and it has been such an important part of my healing journey.

It surprised me (although it shouldn’t have) all the emotions that were brought up for me in that class. This journey I’ve been on has been about embracing happiness, but there’s many more emotions attached to it as well. Part of finding happiness for me has meant that I also have been able to acknowledge that other emotions flow through me – anger, sadness, grief, anxiety – and that they all need to be honoured. I never really knew what to do with those feelings so I would just stuff them deep down where they would fester and damage me. Now, I can allow them into my life and still know that I’m a happiness seeker because… well… those other emotions are part of life too.

Today’s special visitors were sadness and grief. Those are ones that I’ve worked very hard at pushing away. The past few years have had so much loss in them. On top of losing my dad, I’ve had to give up the dream I wanted for my family. There’s a lot of good that is coming from that, but it still carries so much pain and sorrow that my kids won’t have the family I dreamed for them and neither will I. I’ve already grieved losing that person, but the sadness from giving up that dream still sneaks up on me. This type of yoga helps all of those emotions move out of my body. It’s tiring, but so healing.

I seem to keep coming back to discovering the gifts that God has given me and figuring out what I am supposed to do with them. Understanding that I need to listen very carefully to my heart and my intuition is going to guide me along the path of this part of my life. That is being told to me very clearly in everything I do lately.

It was a beautiful, sad, blissful, grieving, peaceful happiness moment as I worked at embracing my light this morning in my yoga class. We all have this light we need to shine into the world. I feel like I’m finally finding mine.