Letting the mind chatter go

I met with one of my amazing healers today. What I love about these sessions is I never know what is going to happen, it has taught me to let go of any agenda and just let what is supposed to happen happen. It’s a good lesson for me to have in the rest of my life as well. Things usually go so much better when I relax and allow instead of trying to force things to go the way I think they should.

CST does some amazing stuff to my nervous system and it helps release a lot of trauma and other yucky things that are stuck in there. Today I had a few instances where I would have a huge rush of very loud mind chatter, then a flash of a bright image, then my body would twitch and jump, then my mind would go completely quiet. The weird thing is each time after I had no recollection at all as to what the chatter or the images were. It was like my body was bringing up feelings, ideas, or events that it was ready to let go of and in a huge surge of energy would just purge them from my body.

So weird and so cool.

Happiness is having this supportive group of healers in my life, happiness is being open to healing and growing -that part took me a long time to open up to.


Love is what you do 

Love is not what you say

Love is what you do. 

I have begun to understand the importance of these words over the last few years. I have had people in my life who would say one thing but do something completely opposite. In fact, I’ve probably done that myself. I’m sure we all have. 

But, as I began to heal and began to focus on becoming the best version of myself that I can be, I really began to notice that what makes a person is not what they say but what they do. 

It made me really focus on being impeccable with my word (from The Four Agreements), and made me want to be surrounded by people who were the same. I’m certainly not there all the time, but it’s something I put a lot of attention on. 

I’ve talked about this amazing healing community that is being built up around the kids and me. One of them is my massage therapist who does cranial sacral treatments on both me and the boy. It helps calm the nervous system, helps with PTSD, and with anxiety – as well as many other healing things. 

But the therapist, he has really connected with my son – he gets him, understands what he’s going through, and has really gone above and beyond to help him out on his healing journey. 

We can heal ourselves and can we heal each other. And we need a community to do that in. Listening to my boy talk about the healing that is happening and the support he’s feeling as he goes through it is a huge happiness moment. 

For me, the grounding of being home and with my tribe helps give me the strength to reach out and give support 


Body and soul 

I had an interesting body/mind/soul connection talk with my massage therapist today. He was doing a CST treatment – which is so trauma healing, I am so excited about all the good it’s doing for me – and he asked if my physical body often manifested my emotional issues. I laughed and said hell yes. 

Honestly it’s been something that even though I’ve tried to honor and respect has led me to the end of my patience on many occasions. I know we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others, but sometimes I can’t help but look at people who I know are way more screwed up than I am and their bodies still seem to be strong. 

He reminded me that my body is enough in tune with my spirit that when I am out of balance my body shows symptoms of it right away. In many senses that is a blessing. I know and have to focus right away on what my body is telling me, and that’s how I heal. 

Sometimes though I just wish the healing would be faster. Then I look back at where I came from. It’s pretty amazing. 

My moment of happiness was remembering that my mind, body, and soul are all working as hard as they can to return to balance and health. I’m so grateful for all the love and support that I have around me as I walk this path. I’m happy to be healing. 


Memory Flow

I had another CST (Cranial Sacral Treatment) today in Cochrane with my amazing, healing therapist. I’m so blessed that I have this community of healers around me. The last time I had the treatment done I had a head explosion of word vomit flow out of my brain. All that mental anxiety that was running around in my head just burst out (quietly thank goodness) and left me. Knowing that this time would most likely bring different results I was excited to discover what shifts would occur today.

This time was all about memory flowing. One thing I learned a few weeks ago when I had my transformational acupuncture treatment was that I tried to leave my body during times of pain and stress. It was a coping mechanism I developed in the years I lived with Mr. X when he was raging, and it was done very consciously. I was aware that I couldn’t leave physically – I had no money, no family around, was in a different country,  and I absolutely could not leave the kids. He would rage and then leave, but I could not go anywhere. There was no way I was leaving the house without my children. So, I learned to leave my body. I did it to avoid pain and hurt and anxiety. But if you think that leaving your body does not cause anxiety then you don’t know what you are talking about! However, it was the best coping mechanism I had at the time.

Since that acupuncture treatment I have been working very hard to stay inside my body, to stay grounded, to stay present, even when things are not comfortable. Today when the memories started flowing my first impulse was to book on out of there. But, I breathed, relaxed, and let it flow.

The memories that came were of our years spent in Rhode Island. Things started to fall apart in Quebec, but in Rhode Island everything really went to hell. It was hard to have those times that I have worked so hard to block come flooding back into my consciousness. The interesting thing about CST though is they come, they’re there, and they flow by without me getting really freaked out about them. There was a certain amount of comfort and calming in acknowledging some of those events and ugly times. It’s like my body has been yelling at me pay attention this shit really happened, it’s stuck inside you and my brain has been all no, just stuff it down, it’s not really there, we don’t want to feel that.

I also had some good times both with the kids and with my friends in those years. By blocking out the bad memories I also blocked out all the good ones as well. It was a significant part of the kids’ childhood and I want them to have memories that make them smile. I want to be able to talk about playdates, trips to the beach, day visits to Boston and remember that there were good times along with the scary ones. It’s good to have those come back.

On a personal healing level, my CST today was a huge happiness moment. It healed a lot, let out a lot, let flow some good and some bad. On a family happiness moment, I returned home this afternoon to see my daughter and my niece cross country skiing through the yard. They had been over to the neighbours along the ridge (where my dad used to love to walk), had tried downhill skiing on the buffalo jumps (I’m glad I wasn’t there to see that, but I sure remember doing it as a kid), and were laughing their way home. What a great childhood this ranch provides. What a great, safe, loving home we have here with our tribe.


healing from the concussion

It’s a long road for this poor girl and her concussion. I’ve been so impressed though at how well she seems to know what is best for her body, and how she’s honouring that. As the child who never wants to be left out of anything, and the one who is always trying to get us outside to play, it’s been interesting to watch how she is just wanting to rest. She seems very aware of what she needs and how to best look after herself. She has mentioned that she does not want to do anything that turns her brain on, and has been pretty content to just lie around in the dark or, lately as she’s been feeling a bit better, get up and draw or paint quietly.

My awesome massage therapist also does cranial sacral therapy, and he mentioned that often there was some success seen with healing concussions from this work. He shuffled things around for us and got Jenna an appointment today. She was a little anxious about going – she’s never even had a regular massage and didn’t know what to expect – but went because I kept telling her how awesome it was going to be.

It was awesome for her. She said it felt like it took a bunch of pressure and stress off of her brain. She’s been smiling and although quiet, much more like my regular Jenna than the quiet, pained girl of the past 10 days.

I am so grateful for the community of healers who have surrounded my family. The support and resources are amazing and it humbles me that we are blessed in this way. It brings gratitude and great happiness. Extra happiness as I am finally starting to have hope that my girl will be well enough to enjoy the Christmas season – her favourite time of the year.



I had some work done today that kind of brought together all the energy stuff I’ve been doing over the last week. I have an awesome massage therapist in town, and ages ago I had made an appointment for today. It just so happened to line up nicely after all the unplanned energy work that has been presented to me. 

Cranial sacral therapy has always worked wonders for my body, but it’s never quite done what it did for me today. Of course, the last time I did it was 13+ years ago and I was not at all aware of my mind body connection.  It was like magic. I was lying there thinking hmmmm it’s not really doing much and then my whole body would go all tingly and I could feel things shift all over the place both energetically and physically. It happened several times, and was pretty wild. 

The Prana Vata issue I’ve been having of my mind racing vanished during my session. A few times I was bombarded by thoughts and then with the crazy tingle there would be what felt like a giant eraser go through my mind and the thoughts would be all gone. Then I was left lying there wondering what was I just thinking about? I have no clue. Even now I can’t remember, but the racing in my mind remains gone. Better step up then meditation to keep this on track. It’s awesome. 

I’m not totally sure what’s going on, but I know the last month or so have been full of huge shifts and changes. And as the universe always does, things have been lining up like magic to make it happen. It’s awesome and it’s my happiness moment. 


Transformational healing

I am blessed in that I am surrounded by a community of amazing healers. New ones keep entering my life at every step of my growth and what is happening is pretty awesome.

Today I had an appointment with someone who does transformational acupuncture. I don’t even know how to begin to describe the session, but it opened up a whole new path on my healing journey. It made me aware of issues that I’ve been dealing (and not dealing) with for years, it gave me some awareness of how to embrace them and how to work with them.

He kind of “Yoda’d me” with some wisdom. Some very obvious wisdom, but sometime I really need things dumbed down and said very plainly so that I can see how obvious it is.

We were talking about my life over the last few years and the journey of healing and growth that I have been on as a result of it. He pointed out (which I was aware of) that maybe the pain and dark times was to let me know for certain that I needed to strengthen my relationship with God, to walk His path, and to trust in my faith. That faith part has been a big deal the last couple of years. I really have learned that when I trust and have faith in God that he always comes through for me – maybe not in the way I had intended, but always in the way that is best.

But then he said that I needed to be really clear about how I was looking at things. Like when Yoda said do or do not, there is no try – he pointed out that I either have faith or I don’t, that I either am happy or I’m not. There’s no in between. If I say I’m seeking happiness, then I’m not happy. If I’m happy, I’m enjoying my life of happiness, sitting in that moment with it, not seeking it because it is already with me. Same thing with faith – I either have faith that God has a plan for me and that I’m walking a spiritual path with Him, or I have doubt that I’m doing the wrong thing and that He does not have my back. I’ve been filled with doubt – even when I’ve been focusing on my faith. My brain loves to grab all of the what ifs and go crazy with them.

And why do I not always have faith? I know to the core of my soul that God has been holding my hand and walking me through this tornado of pain and emotions that has been raging around me. I feel His love, I know He is there for me. Why do I sit in doubt and fear when happiness and faith is an option? He is offering me peace in the storm and I so often choose to stand fearfully alone in the turmoil.

Seriously. It’s so simple and yet SO  hard.

But, now I am aware of that and my intention is to walk in faith, in happiness, and in peace. I know what it feels like and I believe that we were meant to have both in this life.

And THAT is my happiness moment.  



Pressure points

I spent some time today with my massage therapist. He’s working on releasing old and painful pressure points in my neck and hips. 

It’s so interesting to be able to share with him some of the energetic healing that is starting to happen in my body. It’s the result of a lot of work and a great support system coming together to help me out. The more at peace I become, the easier and more important it is that I let all that old crap go. 

The more I find I truly want to move ahead into love and peace the easier it becomes to understand how vital it is that all those old pains and hurts are pit to rest. 

My happiness moment today was laughing at supper as he and Jacob fought over the shredded cheese. It was a simple moment, which often are the best for pure happiness. It is good to embrace the joy in every day moments. 


Energy stuff 

I had a massage today. That makes it an awesome day by any standards, but we ended up doing a lot of energy work which was such an amazing bonus. I didn’t realize how much I had missed talking in that energy healing kind of language until I was doing it. It’s so cool to have a conversation with someone who also gets how healing happens on that level. It inspires me and reminds me how important this path is for me to keep moving on. Happiness. Pure happiness. 

Not surprisingly a lot of emotional crap got moved around today. There has been some stuff kind of hovering at the edge of my consciousness for a while now and it fell full force into my lap where I had no choice but to deal with it. There’s a reason why that yucky emotional stuff gets stuffed so far down – because I don’t want to deal with it. But part of leaving all those bruises to my soul behind means bringing them out and letting them heal. 


Mama Mia

If yesterday’s trip to Waterton was a family wellness day, then today was a personal wellness day. I have realized how important both of those are. The kids and I need special time together away from our regular routine to just be be and have fun together. I also need time just for myself to recharge and get back in balance with myself. Today was a me day. 

I had a massage. I didn’t realize how much I needed help letting go of the unnecessary stress I have been carrying. It’s amazing how powerful healing hands can be. 

I went for a walk. That’s always something that connects me with Source and myself. It helps to heal my heart. 

I had a nap. I have been so incredibly tired the last couple of days. I think all of the emotions of the past few weeks fell onto me now that things are quiet and I needed some recovery time. The kidsare healing   and getting stronger after all the angst they went through last month and we can all let go a little now. 

I watched Mama Mia with Jenna. Somehow ABBA has become our road trip music (don’t judge) so we spent a good 6 hours yesterday listening to their music. It made that cheesy chick flick that much more enjoyable this evening. Belly laughs are awesome. 

I am so grateful that I have learned to find the space to honour the fact that I need to keep myself strong and at peace in order to lead this family. That makes me happy.