Indra’s Net

I woke up at 3am today. Lately I’ve been doing lots of waking up at 3am which means I must be hella stressed. Usually though when I wake up in the middle of the night I lie there and stress about the problems of the world, while lately I just lie there and think about God and where I fit in the universe. Much lighter thinking haha.

This morning (is 3am morning? I feel like it’s still deep night time, or when I was younger it was time to come home) I woke up to a vision of Indra’s Net. Perhaps I’ve been feeling very disconnected lately. I think Covid has a lot of us feeling disconnected and confused. Alberta in particular seems to be filled with anger, confusion, and chaos as we are being divided between the vaccinated and the unvaccinated. While I am one of the vaccinated, and strongly believe in it, I don’t like how we are fighting with each other when we would do better to work together.

So anyway, with that I’m feeling a bit separated and confused and waking up to the image of Indra’s Net was kind of perfect.

Indra’s Net is a spider like net that spreads infinitely in all directions. In each “eye” of the net, or where the threads join together, there is a beautiful jewel. Each brilliant jewel reflects every other jewel, which are infinite in number, and every reflected image holds the image of all the other jewels. Infinity to infinity, whatever affects one jewel affects them all. Everything contains everything else, but at the same time every individual jewel is not hindered or confused by the other jewels.

I love this idea because I often get hindered or confused by the other jewels.

In his book Hua-yen Buddhism: The Jewel Net of Indra (Pennsylvania State University Press, 1977), Francis Dojun Cook wrote,

“Thus each individual is at once the cause for the whole and is caused by the whole, and what is called existence is a vast body made up of an infinity of individuals all sustaining each other and defining each other. The cosmos is, in short, a self-creating, self-maintaining, and self-defining organism.” (Source here)

Instead of thinking that everything is part of a larger, collective whole, the idea is that everyone is the larger, collective whole, but also simply themselves at the same time.

I find this idea so completely abstract that it actually makes perfect sense to me. And I love the way it allows me to see how we are all connected. What affects one of us affects all of us. We are one being working together, but we are also our individual selves with the freedom to choose who and how we are. Some people I find it easy, and a beautiful privilege to think of being connected with, and some make me want to cut their jewel out of my beautiful web. The challenging ones are probably the most important ones as they probably reflect some unhealed aspect of myself. If their behaviours didn’t trigger something in me, who they are and what they do wouldn’t bother me and so I know there is more internal work for me to do in those areas.

Hopefully the 3am wake up time comes to an end soon, but until it does I find gratitude in the comforting thoughts that are coming to me during this time.



Small things, big changes

I got to share a little bit about what I’m learning and what I do with someone today. It is exciting to be able to share that more with people now and feel more comfortable as I keep moving ahead with it. 

I’m learning how to teach people how to change habits so that they can live a happier and healthier life. 

From small things big changes come. 

It’s happiness. 


Shadows of the past 

We are now in our second month with no support from Mr. X.

I know I should be completely freaking out – we depend on that support and the knows it – but somehow this feeling of incredible calm has come over me – I don’t know how to explain it except to say that it’s God stuff.

The last few weeks I have been really focusing on strengthening my connection and my faith and I can feel the difference in my being. I saw one of my healers today and was describing our situation and how I was feeling. He said I seemed calmer and more grounded, and I do feel that way even though I feel like I should feel chaos. I have finally understood that I have been looking to a man for support who has shown time and time again he has no interest in being there in any capacity. I should have instead been looking to God who is always there for me. I’m not sure what this means for my path, but I’m exploring it.

I said that it was weird – that I now feel like my life is pretty regular and back to normal and suddenly WHAM something will happen to pull me back to the trauma. He said it was shadows of the past showing up.

In my session today I suddenly heard you have to make space, you have to make space, and he did something to my head and BAM space was made in my body. I could feel my third chakra light up and ama (toxins) was pulled from it down through my second chakra and out of my body. I’ve never felt anything like it before – but that feeling of clearing and space was immediate.

I have to make space, I have to clear out all the bad junk – the ama – so I can make space for new things to come into my life. So I can erase the shadows of the past.

So much healing is happening and my spiritual connection with God has increased so much. I often wish the journey was easier – but the person that I am turning into because of this? That is happiness.


Quiet moments 

We spent the evening stabilizing our family. It’s not perfect, but we balance each other well. It brings us back into harmony with our true selves. 

I feel so insecure with all I’ve learned from Ayurveda. But when things like this happen and I realize all our coping skills come from what I’ve learned I am reminded of how it has saved my life. The meditation, grounding foods, self care – all of it comes from my studies. It was a huge gift that was sent to me at exactly the right time. I am so grateful for that. 

The evening was spent with young people in and out of the house. Laughter, popcorn, snow, spaghetti and meatballs,tv, and love. All so simple. That’s what I’ve really discovered over the last couple of years – the more simple we make our lives the richer they are. We are less stressed, we live in the moment more, we enjoy nature. Thoreau was right. Simplify, simplify, simplify. 

My happiness moment was feeling the peace and the love in our home. We have worked hard to create a safe environment here and it truly is where we come to heal. 


Cough cough 

The boy and I have this cold that just won’t let go. Today as I was mixing up different concoctions for us to try I realized once again how much I have learned these past couple of years about how to regain balance. It’s a work in progress but it’s so much better than it was. That is happiness. 

Being able to slow down and rest so we can get better – that is also happiness. 



I had some work done today that kind of brought together all the energy stuff I’ve been doing over the last week. I have an awesome massage therapist in town, and ages ago I had made an appointment for today. It just so happened to line up nicely after all the unplanned energy work that has been presented to me. 

Cranial sacral therapy has always worked wonders for my body, but it’s never quite done what it did for me today. Of course, the last time I did it was 13+ years ago and I was not at all aware of my mind body connection.  It was like magic. I was lying there thinking hmmmm it’s not really doing much and then my whole body would go all tingly and I could feel things shift all over the place both energetically and physically. It happened several times, and was pretty wild. 

The Prana Vata issue I’ve been having of my mind racing vanished during my session. A few times I was bombarded by thoughts and then with the crazy tingle there would be what felt like a giant eraser go through my mind and the thoughts would be all gone. Then I was left lying there wondering what was I just thinking about? I have no clue. Even now I can’t remember, but the racing in my mind remains gone. Better step up then meditation to keep this on track. It’s awesome. 

I’m not totally sure what’s going on, but I know the last month or so have been full of huge shifts and changes. And as the universe always does, things have been lining up like magic to make it happen. It’s awesome and it’s my happiness moment. 


Because he’s a good person

I had the nicest compliment paid to me about my boy today. I took Jenna to see my friend T who styles our hair and she had buzzed Jacob yesterday while I was off doing other things with the girl. 

T told me that she’d tried to grab Jacob to give him a hug yesterday as he was leaving because she had so enjoyed their conversation and wanted to wish him a merry Christmas she said that she had been amazed – the first thing he did when he sat in her chair was ask her how she and her boyfriend were doing. T  was amazed at how he had remembered things about her life and seemed so genuinely interested  in how she was doing. 

We agreed that while that quality was rare in anyone these days, it was even more rare in a 15 year old boy. He has always been a sensitive soul, but I’m sure that all the crap he’s been through in the past few years had made him even more aware of the feelings of others. I was so proud and so happy that he shows his tenderness and compassion so freely to those in his circle. It’s a good soul that kid has and I love that he shines it out to the world. It was beyond a moment of happines and. I will cherish that in my heart for a long time to come. 

I also had an energy session with Asrael today and a she helped me shift around so much. The sessions are always so powerful, but I really feel right now like I’m in a significant transformational period in my life. I’m grateful because suddenly I’ve had a succession of healers line up to help me as I’m learning how to get through this phase. It’s one that I believe will bring so much healing and personal power, but it’s sure unknown territory. The gift of Asrael in my life and the healing she assists me with brings me deep gratitude and happiness. 


the ups and downs

I’m not going to lie… today I was in a pretty crappy mood. I did a session of healing light yoga – and while it generally makes me feel good, and always makes me feel better in the long run – today it made me pissy and upset. Love how that energy moves around all those stored emotions and lets them come bursting out. Ugh.

This evening as I was driving the boy home from school we saw a huge fire in the direction of our homes.  I knew it wasn’t our house based on the location, but it looked like either the community hall or my cousin’s place and that freaked me out. We drove as fast as we could to get to where the fire was – it was a trailer that caught fire on the highway. Many phone calls were placed between cousins to find out what was going on, and we were all relived that everyone was ok, the fire didn’t spread, and that it didn’t affect any of our homes.

It kind of put things back in perspective for me though. Not only do I have this home that is filled with love to live in, but we are surrounded this tribe and we all care for and look out for each other. It’s not something that everyone has, and it’s not something that we had for our 10 years spent as gypsies. I’m so grateful for that and I’m so happy to be here surrounded by these people. Happiness moment….

It’s not our thanksgiving, but I sure have a lot to be thankful for. I loved seeing all my American friends celebrate their blessings online today.


Third chakra stuff 

I did some Healing Light Yoga today focusing on the third chakra. I did this a week or so ago and it made me realize some pretty amazing things about my emotional energy. This time was probably as profound, but in a totally different way. 

I love that somehow I have ended up in this place where I can really play with how this energy works. It’s something I’ve always been aware of, but have been so in awe and uncertain of it. I’ve been kind of afraid to experiment  much with what that energy can do until now. 

Feeling the different energies move and shift as I worked with them today was my moment of happiness. It’s all part of this Ayurvedic healing journey and I’m so grateful for I’m on it. 


Energy Shifts

I’ve been doing a lot of energy work lately. This morning I had a massive shift and some understandings of these blocks I’ve been struggling with finally became clear. With the clarity is the knowledge of how to move them, shift them, let them go. 

It’s a really big deal in my healing journey. I’m pretty excited about it. 

It’s been kind of fun to play with this energy a bit. I’ve got a much deeper understanding of what it is and how it works for me as I’ve been focusing on it over the last coupe of weeks. 

It’s one more step on the journey, a little move ahead in my healing, and a whole lot of happiness.