Shadows of the past 

We are now in our second month with no support from Mr. X.

I know I should be completely freaking out – we depend on that support and the knows it – but somehow this feeling of incredible calm has come over me – I don’t know how to explain it except to say that it’s God stuff.

The last few weeks I have been really focusing on strengthening my connection and my faith and I can feel the difference in my being. I saw one of my healers today and was describing our situation and how I was feeling. He said I seemed calmer and more grounded, and I do feel that way even though I feel like I should feel chaos. I have finally understood that I have been looking to a man for support who has shown time and time again he has no interest in being there in any capacity. I should have instead been looking to God who is always there for me. I’m not sure what this means for my path, but I’m exploring it.

I said that it was weird – that I now feel like my life is pretty regular and back to normal and suddenly WHAM something will happen to pull me back to the trauma. He said it was shadows of the past showing up.

In my session today I suddenly heard you have to make space, you have to make space, and he did something to my head and BAM space was made in my body. I could feel my third chakra light up and ama (toxins) was pulled from it down through my second chakra and out of my body. I’ve never felt anything like it before – but that feeling of clearing and space was immediate.

I have to make space, I have to clear out all the bad junk – the ama – so I can make space for new things to come into my life. So I can erase the shadows of the past.

So much healing is happening and my spiritual connection with God has increased so much. I often wish the journey was easier – but the person that I am turning into because of this? That is happiness.


Energy Shifts

I’ve been doing a lot of energy work lately. This morning I had a massive shift and some understandings of these blocks I’ve been struggling with finally became clear. With the clarity is the knowledge of how to move them, shift them, let them go. 

It’s a really big deal in my healing journey. I’m pretty excited about it. 

It’s been kind of fun to play with this energy a bit. I’ve got a much deeper understanding of what it is and how it works for me as I’ve been focusing on it over the last coupe of weeks. 

It’s one more step on the journey, a little move ahead in my healing, and a whole lot of happiness. 



Today I treated myself to a Raindrop Oil Massage combined with some Reiki work and chakra balancing. It was my first time doing this, and not only was it relaxing and cleansing, but it was a heck of a good deal as well. The lady who did it advertised a special on our community Facebook page and I thought what the heck. With all the stuff that has been going on these past few months, I felt it would  be a nice treat and compliment to the energy work I was already doing. 
It was. 

An hour and a half of complete relaxation while someone massaged different essential oils into my back. I love essential oils and respond well to them. Even my kids come to my study in search of an oil instead of our nonexistent medicine cabinet for an aspirin. 

She also used crystals. 


I was to pick two and hold onto them during the massage. She had a little basket of them and I picked the first two that called to me. 


It was a happiness moment. A little relaxation vacation that took 90 minutes. We all need that little break now and then the fact that it helped strengthen my body and soul was an added bonus. 

It helped remind me that the path that I’m on is the right one for me and I need to have the faith and the strength to keep walking it. 

An extra happiness moment was driving into town with the kids. We had some extremely silly giggle moments. I love the summer versions of my kids. They’re so much more fun and relaxed. 

This morning an article by John Douillard about the movie Inside Out and Ayurveda showed up in my inbox. This movie has been of such benefit to the kids and I this summer as we sort out our feelings about my Dad dying. I loved the relations to Ayurveda and appreciated that someone else spent time espressing the deep meanings in the movie. I love this movie in case you can’t tell. 



I did some energy work today with Asrael which is always good and sometimes difficult. It’s all things that are helping me to let go of some yucky stuff that I’ve been holding onto. 

Today Anger made an appearance. All the things that have pissed me off over the years and that I’ve stuffed down into my hips made themselves known. 

She was talking about my anger and we were working on releasing it – and all I could visualize was Anger from Inside Out. Made it hard to stay serious because he was so amusing to watch. You know, in the same way that it can be entertaining sometimes to watch someone have a break down tantrum. 

But, perhaps it will be easier to relate to my anger if I see it as Anger. In the same way that I can see how Sadness is rubbing all my memory balls and changing them and Joy is running around trying to cheer everything up. 

My happiness moment today was my time spent on this important healing. My ability to  communicate  with,  and acknowledge my feelings is making me a healthier person. That is a big happiness deal. 


A shy introvert 

I have always struggled with the double whammy of being both  shy and of being introverted. It’s only been recently that I’ve really begun to explore the differences between what it means to be shy and what it means to be an introvert. For ages I thought they were different versions of the same thing and something I needed to change about myself in order to be a settled member of society.

Now I’m realizing that the two things, for me anyway, are completely different. I’m an introvert. It’s how I’m made. I like quiet and I like to retreat into my own head and into my own space – there’s always a lot going on in there. I get overwhelmed when I’m in big crowds and things are too loud. Being an introvert is something for me to celebrate. It’s a wonderful part of myself that should be nurtured.

Being shy is attached much more to my self-esteem. Being shy means not speaking up when I should. Not participating in activities I want to because I am feeling anxious or not good enough (whereas the introverted part of me is completely happy to go home, curl up with a good book and enjoy a cup of tea in the quiet). There’s a big difference between not going out and doing things because I don’t want to (introvert) and not going out and doing things because my self-esteem holds me back (shyness)

Or to put it another way, my introverted self never has FOMO, but my shy part suffers desperately from it.

id love to hang out but

Today I was reading about the third chakra in the book  Wheels of Life. In case you cant’ tell, I’m kind of obsessed with my third chakra lately. In the past week I’ve written about it here and here. She’s talking about raising kids and teaching them how to “fit in” or “conform” to society.

Social cooperation is certainly necessary; however, if it occurs through domination, it hardly deserves the term “cooperation” at all. It is then cooperation without desire, vitality, or the spark of fire characteristic of the third chakra. It becomes submission, which dampens and cripples our sense of power and will, and damages our self-esteem.

OMG, that is me. I made a conscious decision years ago to stop fighting the fight, to stop being different, to try to just fit in and be who it was I thought others thought I should be. You know, basically the last time I felt like I was really living my own life. I listened to voices that were louder than mine. I was young and didn’t really realize the power that decision would have over my life (thank goodness I’m older and wiser now and I can reverse such things). But, that was it – I gave up my personal power and became submissive to the needs and wants of others.

I struggle with this with the kids. I want them to let their lights shine, to be the best “thems” they can be. But there are certain rules in society we must follow aren’t there? Just the other day I snapped at Jacob and when he snapped back at me I pulled the “you can’t talk to me like that, I’m your mother – show some respect.” He came back with “I just talked to you like you talked to me”. Ugh. Totally called me on that one. Worst of all, he only spoke to me like that to show me how it felt. Point taken. I want them to become who they are not who they’ve been forced into being. I want the same thing for myself.

So, I will continue to honour my introvert, and continue to encourage the shy part of my being. Engage that powerhouse and see what kind of light shines out of it.

Happiness moment on day 37 of the 44 days of happiness came this morning. I went for a very chilly walk. When we lived in Rhode Island I was often so cold in the winter that the only way I could warm up was in a hot shower – the chill went right to the bone. This morning after our walk I felt the same way – just couldn’t get warm <As an aside, I thought I was moving to the South and that things would be warm here>. I went and had a shower. Part of being a mom seems to be being available and accessible to the kids when they need me – and nothing makes them need me like being in the shower. But, this morning no one was home. So, I stood in the steaming hot shower until all the hot water was gone. I can’t remember when I have last done that. Didn’t have to worry about anyone else needing water – no one else was there. The cat did get a little bent out of shape that I was so obviously enjoying something that she couldn’t come sit on or walk over. But even her angry face at the shower door didn’t take away from the bliss of showering until all the hot water was gone.

Angry Ella face waiting for supper


Pirate Gold – the yellow ball of fire

I had my third healing light yoga therapy class this morning. Last week we did some work on the third chakra, and this week we started with the third and then did a little work with the fourth.  I’d been so focused in the past that my first and second needed balancing that I’d kind of ignored that my third one was also calling out for some attention. Or, perhaps since everything comes in its time – I needed to work to heal and support my root and sacral chakras so they would be strong enough to give support to that solar plexus area.

The third chakra – the area between your navel and your solar plexus (your middle back) – is pretty much the core of who you are. It relates to your true self, it’s your powerhouse, where you self-esteem lives. It’s where feelings get stuck, where you hold on to things, where your power lives.

Last week we were to take an image of a time when we felt safe, happy and supported and focus on that while we worked through our breathing sequences. Immediately in my mind came an image of me and Pirate galloping through the old homestead field. Sun shining down, birds flying around, quiet all around, Pirate and I thundering across the grass happy, free, safe, content. I didn’t have to force an image at all, this image and this feeling came immediately to me and I held onto it for a long time.

Pirate, my little ball of fire. As I was lying in my asana today I was again transported back to a time when I was flying across the countryside on Pirate’s back. It truly was a time when I felt supported, safe, happy, completely self confident, powerful- all those third chakra feelings. Coincidence that my little yellow palomino ball of fire was the same colour as that bright burning third chakra? I think not.

When I was with him I felt like I could take on the world. Not only did I feel confident in myself, but I felt safe and secure in a trusted partnership with him. I put my life in his hands every day and even though we did some insane things together (oh my how insane they were!!) we looked after each other, brought out the best in each other, and made each other strong and brave powerhouses.

When he died I had a pain in my middle back so bad that I couldn’t get out of bed for days. I didn’t know anything about the chakras then, but the core of who I was was grieving for him. Yesterday I woke up with that same pain in my back. The one that only comes in times of intense grief or intense stress. Obviously I am grieving, things are shifting, my body is remembering and letting go (and holding on). It’s good though to remember who I really am by remembering who I was.

Like me, he was a show pony who could get out and get dirty with the best of them:

Pirate and I (supervising) chasing cows

Pirate and I in the warm-up ring at Spruce Meadows in Calgary.

We all have this center of power inside of us. Mine got shut down for a while. I listened to the wrong people, carried those voices inside of me for a long, long time. It was really good to remember a time when I felt safe and strong and powerful.

My happiness moment on day 34 of the 44 days of happiness is in memory of Pirate Gold – my little yellow ball of fire. He was one of the most important relationships I have had in my life. We were together from the time I was 9 until he passed away when I was 35. He taught me how to love freely, live loudly, be brave, be afraid and do it anyway, be patient, sing from my soul (and sometimes be as stubborn and strong willed as hell). That all of our relationships should bring out the best in us like this one did.