Healing tribe

I had calls today with two of the healers from my tribe. One I have known for a few years now and she’s held space for me as my life has gone through some huge changes. The other is part of the coaching tribe I have joined.

It’s amazing the space that was cleared in my soul today. I feel stronger and more capable of holding myself up and moving ahead with faith and hope. Happiness

Mom had a much better day today which is also a huge happiness moment. Keep the love coming.


The highs and the lows

Today was a day filled with emotional highs and lows. It was exhausting – but it was a condensed example of how life really is – good and bad, happy and sad, safe and fearful.

I started the day by sending an email to Mr. X asking him if he would consider paying up front for the kids to see the dentist. I have a years worth of unpaid (by him) expenses and I was really hoping he’d step up and help out (he won’t). Then I was gifted a family love miracle by my tribe with an offer of help that will relieve us all of some stress burdens we’ve been carrying. Then I opened my mail and discovered we likely will have to take Mr. X back to court again to sort out the court order he’s refusing to follow. Then I took my computer in to get repaired and even though they warned me all my data was likely lost they recovered it all. Then I sat with my mom as she had a rather difficult evening.

Good and bad, highs and lows. This is life. This is why although often my happiness moments are about events, or my tribe, or my horse, or my home; happiness must come from within – or from God our Source of everything. I can’t depend on outside circumstances to make me happy because they’re in constant change. I need to keep seeking peace within, I need to improve my connection to the Divine, I need to trust in the power of love. That is where happiness stems from.

Please pray for my mom.


Transformational healing

One of my favourite healers is in town right now. My dear friend Asrael (also on the top of my list of favorite healers) introduced me to Michel a while ago and now every time he comes to town I’m first in line to see him.

He does transformational acupuncture and I don’t know how to properly explain it except it works miracles on me. I’m not even sure how I feel right now, it usually takes a few days or weeks to fully process all that goes on, but I can feel things have shifted. Things are shifting.

I need to stay focused on what is important. Mr. X and all the financial pressure he bullies us with has been weighing on my mind lately. I need to keep standing up for my kids, he needs to follow the court order, but it gets exhausting. He is not worth my effort, but my kids are so I have to find the balance there. I wish things were different, I wish it wasn’t so difficult, but this is how it is. Divorce from a narcissist. The gift that keeps on giving.

I need to keep sorting through those feelings, letting go as I can. I can’t wait until he’s just somebody that I used to know. And the more I work at releasing the pain of all those years, the closer I am to that happening. And that is happiness.


Stolen moments 

I ended up having some unexpected one on one time with my girl today and we went out for a hot chocolate and the biggest cinnamon bun in the world. Life gets busy and it’s important to take these small moments and enjoy them.

Both of us ended up needing our energy rebalanced today. I spent some time with the amazing Asrael who always helps me get myself grounded and find my strength. The girl found hers in a different way, but we both were a little tired and needing some TLC time. I’m so grateful we were able to take that time together and just be.

She hooked into the free internet and watched Netflix and I read my book. And our time together was a happiness moment.

The key to a good life is not giving a fuck about more; it’s giving a fuck about less, giving a fuck about only what is true and immediate and important.


Show me the way

I was having some serious issues with god today – to be honest I’ve been having them for a little while now. 

I’ve been feeling a lot of that’s not fair, and why are you shitting all over my life, and seriously???????

Mostly I’m just tired and overwhelmed. To say there’s a lot of crap going on is an understatement. And to put the icing on he cake I got my lawyer bill today. Another month where I have spent money fighting because he refuses to follow the court order.  I often feel like as soon as I decided I would ask God for help and admit I couldn’t do it myself he took a wrecking ball to my life and just keeps hammering away. 

I got a call from school that the girl was sick and I had to go get her and take her to urgent care. 

I was driving on the back road and swearing at God when I flew by one of the sloughs. I happened to look over and saw 4 swans peacefully floating on it. Something inside me snapped and I pulled off to the side and took a small moment of peaceful gratitude. 

It helped ground me a little and reminded me that God is everywhere. I had a couple of conversations with dear ones whose lives are also in the shitter. It reminded me that I’m not the center of the universe and that faith is all I have. 

So I went out and hugged my horse. He is proof that miracles happen. 

And I stood and watched the sunset – first the glow to the east and then over the mountains to the west – and that was happiness. 

To the east 


Pain brings change

There is no reason for someone to change their experience if it’s not painful.

These days before Thanksgiving are difficult ones in our house, Thanksgiving 2011 was effectively the moment our family ended, or as my then 10 year old son called it the night that ended my childhood. It’s brought up to the surface a little more this year as that same source of pain is making life very difficult for us.  What he seems to forget is in his haste to hurt me, he’s hurting the kids. This too is a pain large enough that it will bring about some kind of change. Enough is enough.

The event 6 years ago left me in enough pain both emotionally and physically that I knew something had to change. There were to be so, so many more betrayals and rages to come in the next few years, but this was the moment I knew that if I didn’t find a way out I would die. That’s a motivating factor for change let me tell you.

The pain was strong enough for change again when the kids and I had our finances cut off with a “good luck with the rest of your life” text last year and I finally filed for divorce and had to get a court order for support. That again changed everything about our lives, it also destroyed many memories as more and more lies came out.

Added to the time of the year is the fact that support is so far in arrears that we are having to gear up for another court appearance, or have some other consequence sought out. It kind of sits there like a dull pain. A pain that is calling for change -because things can’t go on as they are.

But here’s the other thing…

I’ve discovered that no matter how badly I want a person who has hurt me to know they’ve hurt me, and while I can maybe get them to acknowledge they hurt me, I can’t make someone care that they hurt me. Decent people with compassionate hearts will care if they hurt someone, but you can’t force someone who has no empathy to care that they hurt you.

But you can change things so that they can’t continue to hurt you.

And why am I talking about this? Especially on a happiness blog?

Because people don’t talk enough about this stuff. They don’t talk about abuse that goes on behind closed doors – and that those doors can be in any neighbourhood, they don’t talk about how difficult and scary it is to get out of, and they certainly don’t talk about the fact that the aftershocks of the trauma last for years.

Am I happier now than I was 6 years ago? You better believe it. I’m happier all the time – I mean there are the occasional bumps on the road, but in general I love this road I’m on. The best part of this road is there’s hope on it. There was no hope before, that was something I started building when the pain got bad enough that I started changing.

So where’s the happiness moment in all of this? There is always a moment of happiness in every situation if you look hard enough. I had to take my son to his therapy appointment today, and as I watched him I realized how far this young man has come, how much he has grown, and how incredibly strong he is.

Because through all the pain, all the change, there has been a constant source of love. The three of us have made a strong triangle based on unconditional love, and at the source, the centre, the creation of that we have connected to the Divine, to God’s love. And that is a gift we found as we changed through the pain. And that is happiness.


Something about this house 

We were walking up to the house after school today and the boy stopped part way up the yard, looked up at our house, and said 

There’s something about this house. I don’t know, it’s the leaves and the snow, it’s just….

And the girl said 

It’s just home. This is the first house I’ve ever lived in that feels like home. It is filled with love and I love being home. 

I sometimes wonder if they miss their lives of privilege. They may have had a lot and lived in nice places, but they didn’t feel safe and secure and happy in any of those houses. 

The fact that this home is here for us and is holding us in love is a kind of happiness I have a hard time describing. This is my kids’ childhood- this is where their foundations begin for the adults they will become. 

Thanksgiving is a hard time for the three of us. It is a reminder of a very ugly incident in our family. And we have worked hard ever since to make happier memories to lay over that painful one. 

And moments like this I know we are on the right path, we will be ok, we are healing, we are finding happiness.