Walk by faith

I keep asking God to shine light on the path I’m on so I can see where I’m going. I often forget that my walk is one of faith and that I need to rely on that and not on what I can see. I can’t see the big picture from where I’m at, but I have faith that He does – even if it doesn’t make sense and I get angry and yell a little bit.

I had an epiphany today as I was doing a tapping session. We were talking about being loved and being lovable and recalling times when we felt like we weren’t being loved or valued by someone in our lives who we felt should be loving us. Basically the lesson was that we are all worthy of love because we are lights of the Divine.

It got me thinking of the pain that comes with the rejection of love. I know I write a lot on here about the pain and suffering financially that my divorce has caused, I don’t talk as much about the pain and suffering on our hearts that this divorce has caused. I not only lost the person who was supposed to be my life partner, but my kids lost their dad. I mean, we all lost him years before I filed for divorce, but that’s what the divorce symbolizes on the deepest level. The result of being or feeling unloved. It hurt me that for years I was told I was unlovable and not worthy of love. It devastates me to see my children experience the same feeling. It hurts to be told you’re not worthy of love by someone you love.

And yet, sometimes that happens. Sometimes the fairy tale doesn’t happen. Sometimes the person who was supposed to love you is the person who hurts you the most. Even if it’s not complete destruction like in my case, we all hurt each other because we are human and we are flawed.

For years I was left feeling unlovable, unloved, unworthy – as were my kids. Financial struggles aside, this has been the hardest part of the family coming undone. And one of the most important things  has been us discovering, learning, training ourselves to believe, that we are worthy of love. All of us are. We are because it’s our birthright. We are all beloved children of God.

We are all worthy of love. Asrael asked me yesterday how deep does love go?

It must go to infinity (and beyond haha).

These kinds of moments bring me deep happiness because I can feel in my soul I’m one step closer to getting it. As a bonus happiness moment, we drove around and looked at Christmas lights while listening to Bob and Doug Mackenzie and laughing loudly. It was a great moment of joy and happiness. I love this time of the year.


Healing tribe

I had calls today with two of the healers from my tribe. One I have known for a few years now and she’s held space for me as my life has gone through some huge changes. The other is part of the coaching tribe I have joined.

It’s amazing the space that was cleared in my soul today. I feel stronger and more capable of holding myself up and moving ahead with faith and hope. Happiness

Mom had a much better day today which is also a huge happiness moment. Keep the love coming.


The highs and the lows

Today was a day filled with emotional highs and lows. It was exhausting – but it was a condensed example of how life really is – good and bad, happy and sad, safe and fearful.

I started the day by sending an email to Mr. X asking him if he would consider paying up front for the kids to see the dentist. I have a years worth of unpaid (by him) expenses and I was really hoping he’d step up and help out (he won’t). Then I was gifted a family love miracle by my tribe with an offer of help that will relieve us all of some stress burdens we’ve been carrying. Then I opened my mail and discovered we likely will have to take Mr. X back to court again to sort out the court order he’s refusing to follow. Then I took my computer in to get repaired and even though they warned me all my data was likely lost they recovered it all. Then I sat with my mom as she had a rather difficult evening.

Good and bad, highs and lows. This is life. This is why although often my happiness moments are about events, or my tribe, or my horse, or my home; happiness must come from within – or from God our Source of everything. I can’t depend on outside circumstances to make me happy because they’re in constant change. I need to keep seeking peace within, I need to improve my connection to the Divine, I need to trust in the power of love. That is where happiness stems from.

Please pray for my mom.


Dueling Christmas carols

We started to put up Christmas in the house today. This was accompanied by Christmas carols played and sang loudly. My all time favourite is Mary’s Boy Child, and the boy’s is O Christmas Tree. So we each played ours at top volume and sang out hearts out.

I realized as I was putting up our advent calendar how many wonderful Christmas traditions we have. Most of our away years we came home for the holidays, so most of our traditions are rooted here at the ranch already. Tomorrow we will get our lights up, soon we will get our tree, Christmas music will play until Boxing Day.

I found a photo taken maybe 5 or 6 years ago – my kids are standing in front of our house here and they look like it’s their home. Except it would still be quite a few years before we returned home. None of us ever thought we would be living in this house we have come to love so dearly.

How funny is that. It’s like they were practicing for years to come. Home sweet home. This place has been a safe haven on our road to happiness.


Transformational healing

One of my favourite healers is in town right now. My dear friend Asrael (also on the top of my list of favorite healers) introduced me to Michel a while ago and now every time he comes to town I’m first in line to see him.

He does transformational acupuncture and I don’t know how to properly explain it except it works miracles on me. I’m not even sure how I feel right now, it usually takes a few days or weeks to fully process all that goes on, but I can feel things have shifted. Things are shifting.

I need to stay focused on what is important. Mr. X and all the financial pressure he bullies us with has been weighing on my mind lately. I need to keep standing up for my kids, he needs to follow the court order, but it gets exhausting. He is not worth my effort, but my kids are so I have to find the balance there. I wish things were different, I wish it wasn’t so difficult, but this is how it is. Divorce from a narcissist. The gift that keeps on giving.

I need to keep sorting through those feelings, letting go as I can. I can’t wait until he’s just somebody that I used to know. And the more I work at releasing the pain of all those years, the closer I am to that happening. And that is happiness.


Happiness blogs

I started this blog almost 3 years ago on my 44th birthday. I was still in the beginning stages of working my way out of my dark night of the soul years (sometimes I feel like I’m still at the beginning, but I’m not). I began with the idea that I would do 44 days of happiness – my goal was that every day I would have to find something that made me happy and I would write about it. Sometimes those happiness moments were really hard to find at the beginning, I think I wrote a lot about Henry the Heron who I used to see every morning on my walk. I remember many times the day being over and me realizing I still hadn’t had a moment of happiness and making sure I did something right away so I could say I had done one thing that had brought me some joy.

I think now about how small and unhappy my life was then. I mean really, in the last 3 years my entire life has imploded, gone sideways, blown up, and been shaken like I live inside a snowglobe and still I have found moments of happiness every day. Thank God I trained myself to look for them or I would have been having a right pity party.

My life now still is pretty uncertain, full of bumps, and honestly I have no idea what I’m doing – but it’s so much happier. We are home, we are safe, we are free. Those are big words. It has helped me incredibly to have a check in every day and find something to be grateful for, something that made me happy, to express gratitude.

This morning I found an email from feedspot.com saying they had chosen my blog as one of their top 75 happiness blogs – I am number 64. Look it up here

Seriously how cool is that?

I even got a little award to put on my blog – that was a smile filled moment of happiness.


Stolen moments 

I ended up having some unexpected one on one time with my girl today and we went out for a hot chocolate and the biggest cinnamon bun in the world. Life gets busy and it’s important to take these small moments and enjoy them.

Both of us ended up needing our energy rebalanced today. I spent some time with the amazing Asrael who always helps me get myself grounded and find my strength. The girl found hers in a different way, but we both were a little tired and needing some TLC time. I’m so grateful we were able to take that time together and just be.

She hooked into the free internet and watched Netflix and I read my book. And our time together was a happiness moment.

The key to a good life is not giving a fuck about more; it’s giving a fuck about less, giving a fuck about only what is true and immediate and important.