Trust in him

Trust is essential and as I’m learning to trust myself again  I know that self trust is only one piece of the pie. I need to trust in myself, trust in my Higher Power, trust in others, and trust in the process of life.

Trust in others has often been difficult for me – partly because I didn’t trust myself enough not to put my faith in those who aren’t trustworthy- but trust is something I did learn to do as a small child, out in a field, on the back of my horse.

In order to make the horse/rider relationship work the way I like it to, we both have to trust each other with our lives. And I have to do this all the while knowing that either one of us could make a mistake that could cause injury or worse. Yet we trust and we go. We have to. Of course, you need a horse who is safe and sane and a rider who is the same.

Thank God for Drishti, he’s helping me rebuild my trust and faith in myself and I’m learning to trust him as well (even when he’s a turd).

I wish this process was more unicorns and rainbows, it feels like it should be more unicorns and rainbows. Instead it’s a lot of tears and pushing through fear and praying nonstop that I’ll make it through to the other side. But the other option was to stay where I was before, and that would have destroyed me. If you’re going through hell, keep on going.

I remember when I got Rolex years ago and he was (also) a total turd. When I would go to get on and put my foot in the stirrup, he used to bend his head around and bite my butt. Then as I was hauling myself up into the saddle, he used to bolt across the arena bucking. This was what I did for fun y’all.  But it also kind of feels like life – I held on and learned to make him listen to me, and once we got each other sorted out we were an amazing team. I used to jump him over 5 foot oxers with my arms straight out at my sides, his head completely free, me praying like mad that I’d survive. We trusted each other. Trust is an essential step on the road to happiness. I need to trust again.


Little girls on surly ponies

I had tea and shared stories with an old friend. I have known her since we were little girls on surly ponies. So, even though we hadn’t sat down and visited properly in years we know the core of who each other is and that makes picking up again so easy.

I love it because although we have each been on our own bumpy and winding paths, we have been on similar journeys to find ourselves and our soul purposes. And I love talking with people about their soul purpose, their dharma, the thing that makes them come alive, and how they’re going about making it come together in their lives. It helps me figure out what mine is.

I actually left our conversation with the beginnings of a few ideas rattling around in my head.

I am so grateful we are home as I am surrounded again by my tribe. I have such a deeper appreciation for these people now than I did before I left here for our gypsy years. I need the love and support, the laughter and tears, the knowledge that I am with people who know who I am because they’ve known me forever – but who also let me learn and grow.

I need more moments like that one. It helps balance my soul and realign my focus on what is important.


Trust in me

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reading the last few days about trust. It’s been a big one for me over the last few years – probably over most of my adult life. I don’t think that I went into my marriage having massive trust issues, but I certainly came out of it with more than my fair share.

What I realized as I was beginning to heal was that I no longer trusted myself. That crushed me – I felt like I had proven to myself over and over I was untrustworthy. After all, I had convinced myself to stay for years in a situation that wasn’t safe by telling my soul lie after lie about how things would change, or trying to convince myself that what he said was true and the reason he was so angry, deceitful, and absent was because of me. I have been working on changing that relationship with myself. Interestingly, it’s been at least as difficult a process as it would be to learn to trust and forgive someone else who had betrayed me. The good thing is I’ve been reading the perfect book Trust by Iyanla Vanzant – it’s giving me exactly what I need right now.

My exercise this morning in A Course In Miracles was to find the light inside of a person who had betrayed me. The only part of the exercise that was easy was deciding which person to pick. But you know what? He has a light inside too  – he may have covered it up with clouds of hate, anger, fear, rage, and whatever else – but there is a light in there, I’ve seen it before.

Here’s the thing. While I would like to think that he wouldn’t purposely leave his children without a way to have their needs met, that’s not true. No amount of wishing he is a different man than the one he shows me will change that – I know, I’ve spent years hoping he will change. And while I no longer go to bed at night scared he will make good on his threats to harm us, I still seem to hold out hope that he will turn into a decent person for the sake of my kids.

You know what that does? It messes with my ability to trust myself. I know he is trying to destroy me, I know he doesn’t care about the damage he does to the kids in the process. And yet I have spent sooooooo much energy trying to convince myself otherwise.

Here’s what I know for sure:

I have been depending on a man who has proven for years he’s not dependable

I have been trusting a man who has proven for years he’s not trustworthy

I have been wishing for him to change even though he’s proven he has no interest in being kind.

I know who he is and what he’s capable of and still I expect him to behave differntly

I expect him to do what I know he will not do and be who I know he is not

It is impossible for him to become trustworthy just because I want him to be

He has shown me who he really is and I have to believe him.

You know what telling myself all those lies has done? It has messed with my ability to trust myself. It’s affected the most important human relationship I have – the one with my own soul. It makes me betray my heart and my intuition to convince myself that I can trust him.

And he has very, very clearly shown that he has no limits to the pain he is willing to inflict not only on me but on the kids. My poor kids are devastated right now and it hurts me to the core of my soul.

So, I keep working on forgiveness, now for myself. I need to forgive myself for not trusting my inner voice, for not valuing the power of my intuition. Part of me knew as soon as mom died he was going to come after me again – and I was right, but I forced myself to ignore it. And now here we are.

With that, I feel like he’s had enough airtime in my life and on my blog. I am working on forgiveness, but I’m also standing up and saying that what he’s doing isn’t right. I’m doing it here, but I’m also working with the authorities to get them moving on forcing him to deal with the consequences of his actions. Part of me trusting myself means knowing that I’m not afraid to stand up for myself and for my kids. I’m not the same woman he used to beat down.


My tired heart

Today my heart is tired and sad. I’m working hard at forgiveness, but again it really is hard to forgive someone who not only isn’t sorry but who is actively trying to destroy me. All I know is I have to. I must keep working at it. I have to do it for me, I have to do it for the kids. I don’t want them living under the the black cloud of his hate anymore – it’s too much.

There are always little rays of sunshine in my dark days. Today when I wanted to just lie down and cry I went and focused on my Drishti.

I just want to squish him all the time

My kids spent the afternoon and evening with their aunt and uncle – my extra parents and their extra grandparents. It was cooking lesson time with Auntie Crazy and some of the cousins. They came home full of smiles and pizza.

Thank God we are home and we are safe. We have our tribe and we have each other – that is happiness.


Integrity and grievances

I’ve been slowly working away at the stack of things to do that have piled up over the last few months. I have absolutely no regrets about how I prioritized my time, but it doesn’t change the fact that I have a lot of catching up to do.

Something that kept playing in my mind as I was working this morning was how my dad used to talk about integrity. My dad lived with his heart on his sleeve, and it was important to him that people trusted him and that they understood that if he gave his word it was good as gold. He talked to me often about how you needed to live life with integrity – you had to be able to look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and be ok with the choices you made and the way you treated people.

And not only did he talk the talk, but he walked the walk. I learned from him not because of what he said, but because of how he lived his life. In fact, I was surprised after he died how many of my friends sent me messages telling me of times in the past when they had troubles and they’d called my dad to come help them out. Most of these I never even knew about. He was reliable, dependable, loving, and while not perfect – always did his best to show up for the people he loved.

Now that I am rebuilding my life I have the chance to figure out how I want to be in this life. I need to live with integrity as well. I have little people watching me and learning how they need to be in the world too. That’s a huge responsibility, but it’s an honour as well – that’s how our family values get passed down. They need to learn to love fiercely and unconditionally, and to be dependable and forgiving.


That’s something that keeps popping up in my life right now. The idea that I can’t be truly happy, truly at peace, truly free, while I’m holding onto past grievances. It was driven home last week when the boy informed me that he had decided he was going to hate his dad for as long as he lived. While I totally understand his sentiment, I don’t want him spending the rest of his life with that blackness in his heart.

Unfortunatly it seems the only way I’ll be able to teach them to forgive is to do it myself. I have a few issues with this. First off, it’s really difficult to forgive someone who isn’t sorry – who in fact seems to feed off our pain and suffering. There’s also a certain element of fear attached to the thought of forgiveness – in the past every time I have forgiven him he’s come back and hurt me 100 times worse. I’m still not totally sure how to forgive someone who continues to cause pain.

But, it’s necessary. It’s necessary for me, and it’s necessary for the kids. I need to learn how to do this so that they can as well. I figure how he treats us is his karma, but how we respond is ours. I can’t talk about making love based decisions when right I am living a fear based one.

I wish my dad was here. I miss talking with him. I miss him for my kids, I miss him for me.

On the way home, the girl took this photo – it’s like God’s hand holding light over our house


Being vulnerable

My intuition spoke up after mom died and said that he would know I am vulnerable and to expect him to make a move. Even so, I have to say I was a little disappointed when it came today, I guess I aways have a little hope.

I spent a few hours attempting to deal with the chaos created, and then made myself take a step back. I was doing exactly what I had been trained to do: make fear based decisions. I’m tired of living that way, I’ve been making a real concentrated effort to make love based decisions. But, I’m human and it’s hard when the land mines have been planted years ago. I just never know when they’re going to go off.

I realized that much as I’m vulnerable to his fear-making, and to my own pain, my heart has also cracked open a bit wider with love. In the last 2.5 years I’ve watched both my parents die, and it has changed me. It has really made me appreciate the strength and importance of love. For both of them at the end,  all they wanted were their loved ones around them. That’s the life I have been working on creating now – I just want to spend time with my loved ones. Everything else is noise.

So we grabbed popcorn and watched a movie – together – family fun time.