Bad boy boot camp 

Drishti is being a total turd lately. So much so that he’s been put in bad boy boot camp – and he’s not a fan of this at all. 

It’s interesting this work we are doing – I need to command his respect, and also his trust. So I have to make him listen to me, and also build a relationship with him based on trust and respect. 

It’s a work in progress. Slowly but surely we are making progress. 

He forces me to keep working at it when I get scared or frustrated and want to give up because I want to have this relationship. It helps me find the determination to keep moving forward – a good skill for the rest of my life. 

Timely too as I’m feeling really overwhelmed. This whole financial black hole that Mr. X has thrown at us is exhausting. It’s made me remember that at the end of the day I have to learn to count on myself to look after the kids in every way – and that is overwhelming, scary, and t seems the next necessary step ahead. 

Things keep changing and I’m grateful that I’m getting stronger so I can keep on walking. Drishti helps me figure out the steps – and that is happiness. 


Girl chats

I have a standing coffee date with my soul sister every Wednesday afternoon. We are living parallel lives which is both freaky and very cool at the same time. It’s amazing how long we need to talk since essentially the same things are happening in our lives – yet the time we share is never enough.

I am so grateful to have someone to walk this weird and wild path with. I have a couple of girlfriends actually who are on this same road and I don’t know what I would do without them. I can’t imagine what would have happened to the kids and I had all the stuff gone down the way it did and we were living away from our tribe.

Whenever I get impatient with God because things aren’t healed enough I look around at the amazing people I have in my life and I’m so grateful. That is happiness.


Practice time 

This evening I took some time and practiced what my friend had shown me yesterday. You could call it either a game of “which one of us is going to be dominant in this relationship” or “which one of us is more stubborn”. I won tonight’s episode. He’s a good guy, and a smart guy, but also a lazy one who doesn’t want to be worked. We will change that. My friend said it’s kind of like working with a teenager and she was spot on. He would rather be in the field eating and hanging with his friends, but when I force him to do something he discovers he kind of likes it.

I have waited what seems like a lifetime for this guy and I’m so grateful he’s in my life. He brings me peace and happiness, he also helps me heal, let go of fear, find strength, and connect with God.

That’s happiness.


Working together 

Today was dedicated to remembering the importance of my tribe, of keeping connected to a group of people in my life, to working together.

I had an old friend come out this morning and give me some help with Drishti. Both he and I needed a crash course in the importance of ground manners, and I needed to be reminded that I am the boss and he needs to respect that. She spent a lot of time with him reminding me of what I needed to be doing to make sure I have a decent horse to bond with. My relationship with him is important and it’s vital that we have clear boundaries and that he understands the rules. For me it was remembering that I need to jump in without fear and with love.

The afternoon was spent on some work things which also involves building relationships and having faith in myself. This evening I went for supper with a dear friend and we talked about everything you could possibly imagine – the poor server at the restaurant. Then we went to Women Empowering Women in Cochrane for a very powerful and emotional evening. Mental health was the topic, and there were lots of messages and emotions that came out of the evening for me – but the thing that stuck with me the most was how important it is to be vulnerable. If someone is brave enough to share their story it opens the door for others to share theirs as well – also for people to ask for help. People opened up tonight in ways that brought me to tears. We have had our own share of difficulties in our home, but everyone certainly has their own struggles and pain. Some of the stories are heartbreaking.

But the important thing is that we were all there sharing, being vulnerable, learning, not judging. It was magic and powerful.

We all depend on each other and when we can open up enough to let someone in – that is happiness.


The trade off 

Today is my unniversary – it hasn’t been a great day for years now but I’m getting better about it.

It used to be a sad day because it was a reminder that I had made a promise to spend life with someone who was hellbent on destroying me. Last year it was a weird day as I had my own end of marriage ceeemony – gratitude I was on this side, sadness I endured for so long.

Today though I realized something. I used to think we were building security for the future. I hoped maybe once he made enough money, or was happy enough in his career, that things would get better. Eventually I began to wonder if this would ever be the case. But, then I was trading happiness in the present for the hope of security in the future.

Now I have happiness in the moment and no security for the future at all.

But these moments… they are awesome. And all we really have is the present moment. I realized this today as I was mowing the lawn, seeing my horse in the field beside me, watching my daughter and niece jump on the trampoline, and knowing that my boy was at a job that he loves.

These present moments of happiness are good ones. Who knows what the future holds, but the present- it holds happiness.


Sharing stories

I have made a “mom friend” at ball this season. We bonded right away and the more we have talked the more we have realized that we share much of the same story. The details are different, but the theme of our marriages and subsequent breakups are pretty much the same. In a really unique way we understand what being this type of single mom means. And while that means there’s a lot of shared heartache, there are a lot of familiar funny stories.

Tonight we sat at the ball field and laughed while we shared some of the highlights from over the years. We both commented how nice it is to have someone who just gets the situation we are in. It can be a difficult one to explain to others and it makes it so much more simple to just be able to give the eyeball to each other, a quick nod, and say yep, I get it. 

I really like this woman, making good friends does not happen very often so I’m really grateful for the moments when this opportunity presents itself. That is happiness.


Scared of snakes

My horse ended up with a little cut on his leg this morning that needed some attention. Part of that included an introduction to the scary hose. I don’t know much at all about his past, but I’m guessing based on how today went that he does not have a lot of experience with hoses. He was not impressed and danced around and snorted and basically acted like the end of the world was coming.

At first I lost my patience and yelled at him, following that up with trying to strong-arm all 1100 lbs of him into doing things my way. As you can imagine that didn’t work so well for me, and only resulted in making him more agitated. I stopped, took a deep breath, and began “an introduction to hoses” course with my guy. We spent a long time letting the hose run near him, over his hooves, and eventually up his leg to where the cut was. It took almost an hour from start to finish, but when we were done he wasn’t afraid, and I wasn’t frustrated.

He is so good at helping me figure out how to resolve issues so I can restore both of us to balance. When I’m in those moments with him I have two choices – I can give up and walk away knowing that I’ll never be able to progress any farther and likely will end up more behind than where I was when I started, or I can figure it out and move ahead. I choose always to figure it out and move ahead. It’s part of my training process with Drishti, and it’s part of my healing process for my life. If I ever quit and give up I will end up having to start again from the beginning, or never getting back on the path again. I can’t have that.

This guy brings me such soul smiling happiness. I am grateful all the time that he has landed in my life.