… and I’m back

I think I really needed a few days of just being quiet.. no blogging.. not much doing besides what was essential to life.

I needed to reconnect with the Divine, I needed to rebalance myself, I needed to remember that things work so much better when I come from a place of love instead of a place of fear. How he treats me is his Karma, how I react is mine. All I can do is work on how I react to things – really how I act in general.

I get anxiety when what I say and what I do don’t line up with how I feel. I also get anxiety when I don’t feel safe. But I also am learning that a lot of that is based on memories, and I am not going to be defined by those memories.

So, I’m taking a deep breath, dusting myself off yet again, and moving ahead on this path. With one very dark exception I have a very blessed life. I am going to spend more time focused on letting that light shine in instead of letting the dark take over.

Again, it goes back to my desire now for peace over all else. I want a happy life of course, but more than anything I want a peaceful life – that source of joy is eternal.

I’ve learned a lot about myself and those close to me in the last few days. So much love, strength, and power exists here. Not only with those around me, but I’m starting to realize that I have a lot of inner strength too. The strength and courage I see in my kids is almost overwhelming. They are the brightest stars in my sky and I will keep doing whatever it takes to help them heal and learn to shine their own lights into the world.



Being authentic

I’ve been really struggling over the last week as to whether or not I should take a blogging break. I’ve found a moment of happiness every day for almost 3 and a half years – even when dad died, when I got divorced, when he left us without money, when we have struggled, when mom died.

But right now I just don’t want to. I feel like I’m not being authentic talking about a trivial moment of happiness in days that are by far the worst I’ve experienced. And I can’t talk about that, so I can’t share the sad or the happy moments.

For right now I’m craving quiet. I don’t want the noise of social media. I need time to try and reconnect with a God I’m not sure I believe in at the moment. At the very least I feel abandoned by him. Don’t bother sending bible verses – I need action and miracles, I’ve lived on words and promises for long enough.

I know this too shall pass. I’m not sure how or when but it will. My plan is to take a break until the weekend is over and then reassess where things are at.

What I will say is that recovering from trauma is fucking hard and it’s taking every ounce of strength I have to pull my kids through this.


The blossoms are back

I was unloading things from the car today when my nose notified me of another sign of spring. The blossoms are back on our beautiful crabapple trees.

My first thought was joy – ohh the blossoms are back. And my second thought was sadness – oh the blossoms are back.

When dad went to hospice three years minus four days ago, the blossoms were at their absolute best in the yard. He’d spent the last few days at home lying in his bed looking out the window at the blossoms. He died the next day in hospice.

Thank God for the movie Inside Out – it reminds me that Joy and Sadness exist together, and that sometimes Sadness takes the Joy memories and shades them blue. They’re still the same memories, there’s just a tinge of sadness attached to them.

I stood under the trees and said a little prayer of gratitude. We have had some really hard times over the last few years, but love, faith, and hope for a better tomorrow have kept us all going.

We went for a family walk this evening and saw half the neighborhood while we were at it. We have some challenges, but we are SO blessed to live where we do with our tribe around us. It’s really a unique community and I’m so grateful we are part of it.


Equine therapy

Mr. X has threatened to report me to social services as he feels “it is the only route he has to ensure the safety and protection of his children.” Apparently in the middle of this crisis we are in attacking my parenting is the most appropriate route.

The only response I had to that was to just carry on with life. I am doing the best I can – so are the kids. What else can I do?

Churchill said the outside of a horse is good for the inside of a man, and I have always believed horses have incredible healing abilities.

I took the girl out to play with Drishti this afternoon. The difference in her before and after horse time was like night and day. She laughed, smiled, relaxed, and loved on him.


Heal yourself

I feel like in the last three years God has just kicked the shit out of my life. All the earthly foundations I had come to depend upon have been shattered with the deaths of my parents and a financially ruining divorce. But you know, maybe I needed my foundation to be destroyed so that I could build a new life from the ground up.

The thing about starting from 0 means that I get to recreate my life. I get to stop and think about who I really want to be for this next part of my life.

My experiences with my parents really helped me understand I need to strengthen my spiritual connection and that has become my mission.

I’m discovering that while most of the pain inflicted on me and the kids wasn’t my fault (and for a long time I believed him when he said it was), it’s my responsibility to heal from it. That has totally changed my perspective on things.

It helps me step out of being a victim, and into a role where I can actually make a change – not only for me but for the kids too.

I can’t change him, I don’t want to, and I don’t have to. But I have to change myself. I have to keep working at living from love instead of living from fear.


Little Abu

Life has been kind of hard lately. I feel like I should be healing from mom’s death – but in fact it seems like it’s getting harder and harder to accept. Maybe it’s because we are in the process of going through her things. Maybe it’s because there has been so much loss the last few years. Maybe it’s because it just takes more time.

I was sitting today on the couch doing some work when little Abu came and sat beside me. Once again I was faced with the fork in the road of love and fear.

We often refer to Abu as our therapy cat – I swear her only purpose in life is to exude love. She knows when we need her and she just comes and sits beside whomever is needing some love and just is. And soon we feel better – like magic.

On the other side, I was preparing some documents. It seems that the paternity of my children is being brought into question. I don’t know if it’s driven by Mr. X or his lawyer – but it’s certainly a financial thing. It’s hurtful, but it’s a fear tactic- I know that I wasn’t the one stepping out.

So I sat there – Abu beside me – feeling upset.

And I closed the computer and cuddled with the love cat and then did some inspirational reading.

Love has to be the choice. Always.

Abu cuddling her brother Aladdin.