happiness

… and I’m back

I think I really needed a few days of just being quiet.. no blogging.. not much doing besides what was essential to life.

I needed to reconnect with the Divine, I needed to rebalance myself, I needed to remember that things work so much better when I come from a place of love instead of a place of fear. How he treats me is his Karma, how I react is mine. All I can do is work on how I react to things – really how I act in general.

I get anxiety when what I say and what I do don’t line up with how I feel. I also get anxiety when I don’t feel safe. But I also am learning that a lot of that is based on memories, and I am not going to be defined by those memories.

So, I’m taking a deep breath, dusting myself off yet again, and moving ahead on this path. With one very dark exception I have a very blessed life. I am going to spend more time focused on letting that light shine in instead of letting the dark take over.

Again, it goes back to my desire now for peace over all else. I want a happy life of course, but more than anything I want a peaceful life – that source of joy is eternal.

I’ve learned a lot about myself and those close to me in the last few days. So much love, strength, and power exists here. Not only with those around me, but I’m starting to realize that I have a lot of inner strength too. The strength and courage I see in my kids is almost overwhelming. They are the brightest stars in my sky and I will keep doing whatever it takes to help them heal and learn to shine their own lights into the world.

 

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happiness

Dad’s ice cream

I have had some significant challenges presented to me courtesy of Mr. X in the last week or so, and have had to spend some time figuring out how to deal with them. It’s essentially been the culmination of my greatest fears, and now I have to decide how I am going to proceed.

I want to scream, hide in fear, cry, and yell about the injustices. But, I have realized a few things: he does not care, he becomes happier knowing he causes me pain, my pain does nothing to aid my healing, and one last thing that I read about today:

There are but two directions you can take, while time remains and choice is meaningful. For never will another road be made except the way to Heaven. You but choose whether to go toward Heaven, or away to nowhere. There is nowhere else to choose. (A course in miracles)

I continue to work hard on the forgiveness, faith, and healing stuff. And I have massive challenges thrown in my path that force me to chose which road I want to take. For a long time I wanted to take the road to God, but was so fearful, angry, and lost that I would fall off the path. But, it’s true – there are only two choices – either I chose to continue to heal and learn to forgive, or I don’t.

So, I’m going to walk ahead in faith.

This is how I walked towards Heaven today:

I thanked God for my mom who without a word stepped up, stepped in, and helped me

I read

I prayed

I meditated

I talked with girlfriends in my tribe

I hung with Drishti

I thanked God we are here and safe

I ate Dad’s ice cream

Dad used to make us his favourite dessert when he was alive – it’s one of my yummy childhood memories. I’m stuck between Dad’s ice cream and Grandma’s cinnamon toast for happy comfort food memories. Dad would take vanilla ice cream, put on real maple syrup, and then add some salted peanuts – fancy right? But, like the cinnamon toast the magic was in the simplicity and the love that was behind the treat.

And I sat with the feelings of insecurity and fear I am experiencing. Then I looked around. We are all safe, we are home, my daughter is playing with her cousin, my son is running around in his Chewbacca onesie laughing, I have them, I have my family and friends, I have Drishti, and I have developed this entirely different relationship with God.  All of that is happiness. Real happiness that comes from within, that comes from the Divine.

And it’s springtime in Alberta which reminds me that there are possibilities of new beginnings, new ways of doing things, and that miracles happen all around us.

This is one of my Dad’s photos from the year before he died of our “springtime flower”.

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I said “good day”

I keep learning about the spiritual importance of sunrises and logically I understand why watching one is good for the soul. However for me and where I live, it has always been about the sunset. There’s something about watching the light disappear behind the Rocky Mountains that captures my heart. No matter how the day has been, if I can stop and spend a few minutes watching the sun go down I know that all is right with my world. If ever I’m filled with doubt or questioning myself or my relationship with the Divine,  all I have to do is look at what God is shining at me and I know that I’m loved and I’m safe.

We had a perfectly quiet moment (a big deal on a Saturday night) and I got this shot of the mountains and the sky reflected on the slough.

  The view to the west. No wonder I am always drawn to the mountains. 

I know I’m creating my own happiness, but at times like these, I have a pretty clear reminder that I do in fact have some help and that I’m not alone in this. The Universe is shouting with joy, reminding us of the amazing world we live in. I had a happy day and this was like happiness icing. It just topped it off!

My happiness moment today was working with Jenna as we pulled the last of the carrots and the beets out of the garden while Mom visited with us. The garden is officially done for the year and I’m grateful for all it has brought to us, not only produce, but memories of Dad and of how things were. It also reminds me that things keep changing and growing and that’s something to be embraced as well.

I am sure Dad was enjoying the sunset along with us tonight.

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