Show me the way

I was having some serious issues with god today – to be honest I’ve been having them for a little while now. 

I’ve been feeling a lot of that’s not fair, and why are you shitting all over my life, and seriously???????

Mostly I’m just tired and overwhelmed. To say there’s a lot of crap going on is an understatement. And to put the icing on he cake I got my lawyer bill today. Another month where I have spent money fighting because he refuses to follow the court order.  I often feel like as soon as I decided I would ask God for help and admit I couldn’t do it myself he took a wrecking ball to my life and just keeps hammering away. 

I got a call from school that the girl was sick and I had to go get her and take her to urgent care. 

I was driving on the back road and swearing at God when I flew by one of the sloughs. I happened to look over and saw 4 swans peacefully floating on it. Something inside me snapped and I pulled off to the side and took a small moment of peaceful gratitude. 

It helped ground me a little and reminded me that God is everywhere. I had a couple of conversations with dear ones whose lives are also in the shitter. It reminded me that I’m not the center of the universe and that faith is all I have. 

So I went out and hugged my horse. He is proof that miracles happen. 

And I stood and watched the sunset – first the glow to the east and then over the mountains to the west – and that was happiness. 

To the east 


The trade off 

Today is my unniversary – it hasn’t been a great day for years now but I’m getting better about it.

It used to be a sad day because it was a reminder that I had made a promise to spend life with someone who was hellbent on destroying me. Last year it was a weird day as I had my own end of marriage ceeemony – gratitude I was on this side, sadness I endured for so long.

Today though I realized something. I used to think we were building security for the future. I hoped maybe once he made enough money, or was happy enough in his career, that things would get better. Eventually I began to wonder if this would ever be the case. But, then I was trading happiness in the present for the hope of security in the future.

Now I have happiness in the moment and no security for the future at all.

But these moments… they are awesome. And all we really have is the present moment. I realized this today as I was mowing the lawn, seeing my horse in the field beside me, watching my daughter and niece jump on the trampoline, and knowing that my boy was at a job that he loves.

These present moments of happiness are good ones. Who knows what the future holds, but the present- it holds happiness.


Lost in the parking lot 

This evening the girl and I channeled my dad as we got lost in the Walmart parking lot. He was famous for forgetting where his car was and I’m sure he would have found it hilarious watching us wander around. I was saying to her as we left the store how I wasn’t really enjoying adulting as much as I had thought I would and that what I really needed was someone to kind of manage me. No sooner had I got those words out than we realized we didn’t know where the car was and we had to stop and search the lot (it was on the far side). I didn’t realize that some poor man had been following us and listening to this entire conversation, but he certainly got some good laughs at our expense and said as he walked by yeah, this parking lot can be confusing for sure and snorted and laughed as he walked away. That was silly happiness.

I had healing happiness today in the form of some energy work that did some deep spiritual shifting and healing. It’s all coming together, maybe not as fast or as ordered as I’d like it, but it is coming together. That is gratitude and happiness.

More happiness came watching my girl practice her softball. It certainly is her sport and it’s really cool to see her be so confident and own what she is doing. Then we came home to this view… and… well… this is what happiness looks like…


So here we are 

It has been two years exactly since we landed in Calgary and started a new chapter in our lives. So much has happened since then – death, divorce, love, friendship, pain, healing… we have pretty much covered it all. And not a moment goes by where I am not thanking God for bringing us back home where we belong. 

Being back in our tribe, having people to share our lives with, being able to see the mountains every day – none of this is to be underestimated. 

Healing is hard. Or at least it has been for us. I feel often like we have just managed to heal up some wounds and the attacks come again, or old wounds are reopened. And yet we all are so much farther along than we were even 6 months ago. It all had its time and it all has a lesson. 

I keep coming to that – that I need to make sure I learn the lesson in the experiences because I know they are there and they are changing how I live my life. 

This evening I got together with a couple of my cousins. We are so fortunate that we have this tight group – I was born with a ready made tribe of female friends. We can pretty much share anything with each other which is a rare and important quality in a friend. 

Driving the boy to basketball tonight for his time if happiness I had to pull off the road. The sunset was amazing. 


First win

Today the boy’s basketball team saw their first win which was a huge morale boost for them. It was a fun game because it was against another Cochrane school, and because the teams were pretty well matched. Both sides worked hard. 

Because he’s one of the younger and more inexperienced players he didn’t get to play, but he sure enjoyed being part of the energy as they felt more confident in their game. 

Somewhere along the way I have started caring about basketball. Who would have thought. It was my happiness moment being part of their happiness moment. 

A different moment of happiness was tonight at sunset. We get some amazing ones here sometimes and tonight was a great example. I love where we live. 



After a year of hoping and practicing, the boy had tryouts for basketball today – and he made the team. He’s had a pretty rough year and he so needed something positive like this in his life. I’m incredibly happy and so proud of him. He really dedicated himself to getting more skilled for this year. Heart happy happiness moment. 

Things are getting happier and happier in my little family. It’s a long road of healing, but we are on it and it’s getting better all the time. 

Jenna and I had to stop and admire the sunset on the way home. And then she had to listen to me do the whole can you believe we live here? Look at the mountains thing that I do so well. 


Faith can move mountains 

Today I told my faith story to someone for the first time. It was so different to tell it from that perspective, I’ve thought of it privately as a story of faith for sometime, but I’ve never really shared it in that context before. Telling it as a journey of faith, instead of a time of trauma,  made me realize it’s time to tell it like that more. Time to tell how God came and healed my life at a time when I felt I was completely broken, shattered, left lying on the ground. I’m not broken anymore, and although I didn’t realize it until recently,  I don’t think I ever was. What I was was just really hurt and lost.

The last couple of years have consisted of a series of miracles for me, the only time the miracles stopped was when I ignored my faith, my intuition, the voice of God. This summer, after months of standing firmly in my faith, in my trust, in my love,  I stopped listening to that voice and found myself once again a hot mess. It was a good reminder that I always need that time to connect with my Source, I need to listen to that intuition (which for me is the voice of God), I need to honour how I function in my faith. If I don’t, I feel all out of sorts and it takes me a really long time to figure out what is wrong (because I’m not connected to my Source anymore and I can’t find my balance – when I can’t find my balance I’m screwed).

Telling my story today in the context of faith really helped remind me of how far I’ve come on my spiritual journey. I think I’ve always had faith on an abstract level, but when I fell to the floor in despair a few years ago – having tried to fix my life myself – and finally handed everything over to God, everything changed for me. Suddenly things that seemed impossible started happening all over the place in my life. Small miracles, big miracles, things were changing and I was filled with love and gratitude for all I was being blessed with.

In the past couple of months I’ve got my spiritual groove back and everything is falling into place again. In fact new, really big, cool, things are starting to take shape and I love that. What I do know for certain is that I have to keep myself focused on having faith in order for these things to keep on happening. Faith is what grounds me, what gives me wings, what shapes me, what drives me. Faith not only moves mountains, it brought me back home to mine.

Tonight I was out on my walk and I was thinking about God and dad and my faith journey. I had a memory of a moment a few days before dad’s death when my mom, dad, sister, and I were all sitting quietly in the sunroom. In those last days there was a real awareness that there were not going to be very more moments left for the original four to have time together. I sighed and said out loud to God that I really missed those times of my original family being together. I looked up and circling around the slough were four swans. Something about them made me think of our original four and it made me smile. It was a moment of happiness brought together by a day of deep introspection about what my faith is and how it has shaped my life.

Then of course, because I’m me, about 10 minutes further down the road – at the spot where it seems I am prone to these types of meltdowns – I had a full out yelling session at God. I wasn’t even aware that I had these issues pent up inside of me – and honestly when I was done I was pretty glad that I live in the middle of nowhere so no one else had to witness that. But, I have to say  that for me those moments of breakdown yelling at God are often the most healing and productive ones.

I often wonder what it’s like for those people who talk best to God on their knees, heads bent in prayer. I’ve never been able to pray when other people are around, and I don’t think I could even pray like I was taught we should. I just go out in a field and chatter away to God about everything and anything. I talk, I laugh, I cry, I yell, I ask, I give thanks, I do it all.  I think it comes from the hours spent in those same fields on the back of a horse – which was how I first found my spiritual connection – it seems to still be the most effective method for me.

What I am discovering is that even though I’ve got a whirlwind of things going on, even though there’s so much that is uncertain, even though I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, the fact that I’m learning to walk deep in my faith allows me to say it is well with my soul


God and the moon

On the way home from town Jacob and I got into a big God talk. I love talking God with that kid because he feels Him from his heart in the same way I do. Having spent time trying to talk God with someone who only gets things from their head recently, I found it refreshing to have deep talks with sowmone who feels things the same way I do. Not that different perspectives aren’t a good thing, but that one just confirmed for me that feeling God from my heart is the best way for me to go. 

As we were mid talk, Jacob was really letting go on some of his beliefs, we looked west and saw the beauty in the end of the day. It was so amazing we had to pull over and sit and admire it for a while. Which of course led to a moment of gratitude for that God whom we were talking about – he makes some pretty cool art. 

Sitting with the boy, enjoying the last rays of light was an awesome happiness moment. 


Sunshine on my shoulder 

I started the day off by accidentally sleeping in. That doesn’t happen very often so I knew I was tired. However, instead of then bolting out of bed and racing into the day, I noticed that there were beautiful red colours appearing in my east window. The next thing I knew I was standing barefoot in the yard admiring the fantastic sunrise 

This does not do it any justice 

The whole day was beautiful. It was like summer, so warm and bright. It helped cheer me up as both the girl and I spent the day with sniffly noses and feeling a bit sorry for ourselves. 

This evening I decided to force myself to go out for a walk and it was the best decision I could have made. My entire walk was filled with my heart telling my brain can you believe we are back here? Isn’t this the best place in the world? It was perfectly beautiful tonight. And the clouds were amazing 

And of course the mountains 
My gratitude happiness moment. I am so happy this is where our roots are planted.