Change the way I tell the story 

I did a lab today with my health coaching course that went completely differently than planned. 

We were supposed to be talking about eating slowly, breathing, and relaxing during meals. Part of that involves doing an emotional check in before eating. 

I said the one time I did the exercise before my meal I had some really unpleasant emotions come up that left me really upset. 

She asked me what they were and I described a little of our family history,  and said that now that we are out of having to live in the abuse that I still have guilt, sadness, and anger. I feel guilty for the kids having the kind of childhood they did, sad that it took so long to get out of that life, and angry that he treated us that way and that I allowed it. 

But I also feel like I carry the feelings he should carry. He doesn’t feel guilty so I feel it for him. I carry his burden when it’s not mine to carry. 

I was reminded today that I can change how I tell my story. I am not his victim anymore – even though he does everything he can to put me back in that position. I don’t have to carry his guilt, that shit is  on him. I find the more months that go by whee he’s not making his payments or only making partial payments the more frustrated and angry I get. It’s the only thing he has to do for his children and he refuses. But I am not feeling guilty for that anymore. It’s a reflection of him not of me. 

Being able to see that from a different perspective and let some of that go – that’s happiness. 


First win

Today the boy’s basketball team saw their first win which was a huge morale boost for them. It was a fun game because it was against another Cochrane school, and because the teams were pretty well matched. Both sides worked hard. 

Because he’s one of the younger and more inexperienced players he didn’t get to play, but he sure enjoyed being part of the energy as they felt more confident in their game. 

Somewhere along the way I have started caring about basketball. Who would have thought. It was my happiness moment being part of their happiness moment. 

A different moment of happiness was tonight at sunset. We get some amazing ones here sometimes and tonight was a great example. I love where we live. 


Jingle bells

Today I took the boy and my niece into the mall for some last minute shopping. I wasn’t looking forward to it this close to Christmas, but I was pleasantly surprised. Got a fantastic parking spot (underground so we didn’t even need coats), and although the mall was packed everyone seemed happy. It was so nice to see so many smiling faces out in preparation for the Christmas season.

The three of us laughed so hard. I find it such an honour that they include me in their craziness – old and uncool as I am. They’re such great kids and I honestly truly enjoy their company.

Because Jacob always has to win the funny award, he did this at one of the stores (he’s got a poop emoji obsession):

On the way home we listened to Christmas Carols, and when Jingle Bells came on the three of us sang as loudly, badly, and happily as was humanly possible. A happiness moment.

It’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas. I’m really looking forward to this one. The tribe together, so much love to share, a celebration of Christ’s birth.


Nothing to do

The boy and I spent almost 7 hours in Urgent Care today dealing with his wrist (end result was a cast being put on). 

We had our phones and I had my kindle, but after a couple of hours the batteries died on the phones and since he was bored, reading became impossible for me. 

So, we did the unthinkable in 2016 and we sat and talked. For hours. About things, and about nothing. 

It was wild. Hours of time with my teen. And although he complained about the wait, I don’t think he hated it. 

I think we have forgotten how to just be with each other. There’s always some distraction these days. To take all the distractions away and just spend time with a loved one – that’s a moment of happiness. Try it. 


Home alone – again

The girl and I watched Home Alone tonight, kicking off our season of cult classic movies. It’s a fun part of the Christmas tradition. 

The last couple of Christmases have been a little more difficult (to say the least) and I am determined that this year will he awesome – even if we have concussions and banged up wrists! We are happier, safer, and although we will always miss my dad – it’s not quite as raw. 

It was fun to sit on the couch and giggle with her tonight. She’s one of my favourite people. This time is precious. It’s happiness. 


What matters most 

Nothing is as important to me as the job I hold as mother of my kids. I’m flawed in it and certainly learn from it every day, but it is the biggest blessing and most rewarding thing I have ever been trusted with. I still look at them daily and can’t believe that God gifted them into my life. We are one tight little triangle 

In keeping with full moon weirdness, I made two trips to urgent care today – one for each kid. Different injuries doneat different   times, and they’ll both be fine, but it was a long and tiring day. 
In all of that I thought to myself thank God that I can be here for them. They have this solid foundation to fall back on, they know I’ll always catch their fall. I’ll move heaven and earth to make life as safe and happy as possible for them. It’s a process, but it’s getting better all the time. 

My happiness moment… knowing what matters most and being there for it. 


Little kindness

I’m sitting in the gym of a high school watching boys play basketball. As an aside, can I just say that the smell is so bad it makes me want to cut my nose off. Although my school is losing (badly), I have to say that they’re all playing  really well – both teams. They are much less boys out there and much more young men – so big and strong. 

My boy had been under the impression he was playing today and was pretty excited about it. However, when we got here he was told that in fact he was not playing. 

I never did team sports, the only sports parther I ever had was 4 legged and  used to sneeze all over me. I miss my horses… So I can’t totally relate to this desire to want to be part of the team. I have spent most of my life trying to not be part of the team. Like our cat Ella close but no touching. But I kind of get it. I always had a tribe of girls I rode with and although it wasn’t a team dynamic we had a closeness that still holds all these years later. 

At the beginning of the game the boys gathered together in a huddle. Mine was standing a little behind them, not in uniform and feeling a little out of place. Two boys stepped back and opened the circle to include him. One of them did the little rub and pat back rub on him.  

I almost cried. Those little acts of kindness mean so much. They are so easy to do, so easy to forget to do, and SO powerful. It changed his whole demeanour. It was a moment when my heart leapt in happiness. 


The best sandwich ever

It is seeming to become an almost weekly event, the boy and I going to the Italian Centre on Friday evening for a grocery shop and a snack. The food is so good, and it’s fun to spend some quiet quality time with my boy.

He’s fallen in love with some sandwiches they make there, and whenever we go he tries to load up the cart with as many as he possibly can. Tonight when we were there however, they said (at 4:10) that they stopped making them at 4:00 and they wouldn’t make him one. Weird, because they have made him sandwiches much later in the evening – but whatever.

He stood there sad and stunned for a few minutes and then I said why didn’t he take a photo of the listed ingredients and we could just buy them and he could make his own sandwiches at home. What happened next was quite interesting.

He sent me off to get baguettes and he went to the deli and did all the ordering himself. I checked in once and he brushed me off – I’ve got this mom– so I went and found the vegetable spread that he needed.

When we got home, he spread out his purchases and got to work. He carefully cut the different cheeses he’d purchased, he layered the meats, sprinkled the oil and oregano, and then stuck it in the oven to heat up a little bit. When it was done he cut it into small pieces and let Jenna and I each try a little bit.

It was SO good. He said that while the sandwiches he’d been buying used to be his favourite, they had nothing on this one that he’d just made. He declared it the best sandwich ever.

It was a moment of great happiness watching him create a food masterpiece. Especially since the idea was born out of the disappointment of not getting what he initially wanted – as so many great things are.

It was a great freaking sandwich…


Anne and fondue

Tonight jenna and I made a pot of cheese fondue and settled in to watch the new Anne of Green Gables movie. 

It was beyond cool to watch Jenna fall in love with Anne. She related to her in all the ways I did when I was her age, and then in a few different ones too – they both have that red headed temperament. 

Anne is one of my favourite characters and it’s my all time favourite book, so it was so special to share in Jenna’s first experience with this fiery rebel. It was one of those special, golden happiness moments.