happiness

Areas communication competition

The kids were back at it again today with their speeches. The girl’s speech brought tears to my eyes – it’s an amazing speech anyway, so brave and powerful – but this time she was so much more confident and strong.

The boy gave a different version of his speech on communism and won!!! The way that kids talks with such confidence and clarity is amazing. Considering the introverted mom who is raising them, it’s impressive they can do this at all, forget the courageous way they can get up and talk.

I am so glad we are part of this club – in many ways it reminds me of how Pony Club used to be  when I was a kid before all the money and politics came into it. It’s because our club is small and full of really wonderful and supportive people. What a great place for my kids to grow and learn. Best of all the adults in our club are really cool, so I genuinely enjoy going to events and spending time with the club.

Who knew 4H was so much fun?

Standard
happiness

Integrity and grievances

I’ve been slowly working away at the stack of things to do that have piled up over the last few months. I have absolutely no regrets about how I prioritized my time, but it doesn’t change the fact that I have a lot of catching up to do.

Something that kept playing in my mind as I was working this morning was how my dad used to talk about integrity. My dad lived with his heart on his sleeve, and it was important to him that people trusted him and that they understood that if he gave his word it was good as gold. He talked to me often about how you needed to live life with integrity – you had to be able to look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and be ok with the choices you made and the way you treated people.

And not only did he talk the talk, but he walked the walk. I learned from him not because of what he said, but because of how he lived his life. In fact, I was surprised after he died how many of my friends sent me messages telling me of times in the past when they had troubles and they’d called my dad to come help them out. Most of these I never even knew about. He was reliable, dependable, loving, and while not perfect – always did his best to show up for the people he loved.

Now that I am rebuilding my life I have the chance to figure out how I want to be in this life. I need to live with integrity as well. I have little people watching me and learning how they need to be in the world too. That’s a huge responsibility, but it’s an honour as well – that’s how our family values get passed down. They need to learn to love fiercely and unconditionally, and to be dependable and forgiving.

Forgiveness.

That’s something that keeps popping up in my life right now. The idea that I can’t be truly happy, truly at peace, truly free, while I’m holding onto past grievances. It was driven home last week when the boy informed me that he had decided he was going to hate his dad for as long as he lived. While I totally understand his sentiment, I don’t want him spending the rest of his life with that blackness in his heart.

Unfortunatly it seems the only way I’ll be able to teach them to forgive is to do it myself. I have a few issues with this. First off, it’s really difficult to forgive someone who isn’t sorry – who in fact seems to feed off our pain and suffering. There’s also a certain element of fear attached to the thought of forgiveness – in the past every time I have forgiven him he’s come back and hurt me 100 times worse. I’m still not totally sure how to forgive someone who continues to cause pain.

But, it’s necessary. It’s necessary for me, and it’s necessary for the kids. I need to learn how to do this so that they can as well. I figure how he treats us is his karma, but how we respond is ours. I can’t talk about making love based decisions when right I am living a fear based one.

I wish my dad was here. I miss talking with him. I miss him for my kids, I miss him for me.

On the way home, the girl took this photo – it’s like God’s hand holding light over our house

Standard
happiness

Why am I not good enough

It was public speaking day today at 4H – something completely new for both of my kids. They both put in a lot of thought and work into their speeches over the last few weeks and I put in a lot of prayer and stress. All of the kids in the club did really well, and it was so cool how supportive they were of each other. How awesome to have such a safe environment in which to stretch and grow.

The boy spoke about the communist party – politics is something he’s passionate about and there’s nothing like talking about communism to get people talking. The girl’s speech was “Why am I not good enough – from a teenage girl’s perspective” which was so powerful it brought tears to my eyes.

Both kids qualified to go onto the next level. So next weekend we are off doing this all over again. I’m so proud of them both – of all the kids in the club – public speaking is scary and difficult and if they can learn this skill now it is a huge gift to their future selves.

The audio is terrible – so here’s a transcript of Why Am I Not Good Enough

One, take a shower you don’t want to smell.

two, pick out an out fit that will fit with the latest trends, and won’t make you the laughingstockof the school more then you already are.

Three, put on some makeup so you can actually show your face in public and be a little bit pretty. you cant even recognize yourself and your face tinkiles with an unbelievable itch you cant satisfy otherwise you’ll have ruined the hours of meticulous painting you applied to your hideous face.

Four, don’t forget to style you hair, you cant let everyone at school see how you hair is naturally.

Five, shove you fat feet into the pinching blood blistering shoes that everyone else is wearing and you cannot be the odd one out. As you gaze into the bathroom mirror you see a strenger that as somehow stole your reflection and repeated it with a completely different girl. Every part of you out fit is uncomfortable but even though you spend hours trying to look pretty you will never be as good as those other girls at school. You are actually holding back a few tears but you feel like you are holding back a tsunami of emotion you can’t let any one else know you that you feel otherwise they will never respect you the same way they used to, or did they ever? Why am I not good enough beauty is pain.

Six get to school.

Seven find a group of people you can walk with to class with bc heaven knows you can’t just walk alone, but you don’t even like these people they cuss and make dirty jokes a lot, and they laugh and make fun of you. You know you shouldnt hang out with them but hey they are the popular kids. And you just want people to like them. You are in the stocks as people throw judging tomatoes and hate heads of lettuce at your insecure little head. You can not stand up for yourself bc you are alone trapped and defenseless and you can not stand up for yourself bc these popular kids are like the royalty or the school and apprentice with they say and do goes. You take each comment each judgment each assumption each opinion each strange look each remark each criticism each review each report each assessments and whipp’d yourself esteem plum like a sinking ship. Down, down, down into the dark and dreary deps below. You look at all the other girls your mind racing a mile a minute I wish I had her eyes, I wish I had her hair, I wish I was a skinny as her, I wish I had her perfectly straight white teeth, I wish I had her social conference. Why am I not good enough? Life isn’t fair.

Eight get your work done. The only part of your life that seemed solvable is the actual schoolwork you take pride In your work. Bc it is possible the only things special about you. You do it to see the radiant smile on your teachers faces as they applaud your work, so joyful praise is the gentle rain that brings forth a magnificent rainbow. The radiant sunshine the brings forth the fealds of sweet daisies. One of the only things that brings you happiness but it is not popular to be smart. In fact you are seen as a nerd, too smart, too smart human calculator, brainiacs, geek, teachers pet, suck up and what ever wonderful name you can think of. Your peers jealously is a pollution that prevents a rainbow. The bulldozer that plows through the fealds of one golden daisies the in intangible object that crushes your happiness like a bug. A Are getting you nothing nothing but torment. Why am I not good enough? Just get over it.

Nine it’s the end of the day get ready for bed.

Ten undress and get your pajamas on. “Wow did I get fatter today?”

Eleven undo your hair “wow my hair looks like a mop.”

Twelve wash off all the your makeup “I can’t even look at my self.”

Ever night you think to yourself I just want people to like me. I just want to be accepted. But skipping meals and marking up your wrist isn’t going to fix that. You look at other girls wishing you were them, but other girls are looking at you and wishing they were you. Society infers girls have to have skinny waists, tan skin, long silky hair, perfectly straight teeth, big buts and etc. Society and furs girls have to wear tons of makeup to be pretty. Society in furs girls have to were skanky  loathing and do inappropriate things with boys to be “happy and considered cool.” but society is wrong you are lover you are precious, you are beautiful, you are talented, you are capable, you are deserving of respect you can eat that meal. You are one in seven billion and most of all you are good enough.

Standard
happiness

Espresso and flowers

I had errands to run today and for some reason the boy volunteered to come along with me. Once we were sitting in the Italian Centre and he was sipping his espresso I understood why. Italian food con aside, I was really glad he came along with me – we haven’t had much one on one time lately and when I’m with him I get to really hear what is going on inside his head. As he was telling me about all of his life issues, questions about God and the Universe, and his favourite kind of food I realized how grateful I was that we have such a close relationship. It’s been a lifetime (his) in the making – but it’s exactly what I wanted when I had kids.

When I got home I was tired and kind of feeling bleh (please not the flu) and the girl met us and said that my cousin had been by and dropped off some flowers to cheer us up. I needed those flowers, it’s gross out and I’m feeling emotionally exhausted.

Thank goodness for this tribe.

Standard
happiness

Focus on my Drishti

I need to spend more time with my horse, he is my Drishti in every sense of the word. He is what balances me, connects me to the Divine, brings me peace and joy, and reminds me that miracles are possible.

In yoga when you focus on your Drishti, the chaos and noise of the world vanish and through your pose you are able to connect to the Source of all that is love. That focus is what brought me to him, that is what he does for me now.

I’m trying to sort out what I want for my life – how do I want it to be? Who do I want to be? It needs to be very intentional moving forward. I feel like I’ve made most of my life decisions based on what will make other people happy. Now I need to figure out what makes me happy and live life that way.

Nothing is permanent, nothing is guaranteed, but I am determined to fill my life with people and moments that bring me joy. If this very second isn’t the moment to experience bliss then when is the time? What if tomorrow doesn’t come? I can’t put off my own happiness, and I won’t do that to my kids – they need to learn how to embrace life too, they’re watching me.

Standard
happiness

Family time

Today was the first day in weeks that the kids and I have had to ourselves. We’ve needed the support and the people surrounding us with love, but today we needed to be just us.

We talked out some feelings, shared memories, laughed, cried, and cleaned the house (holy what a mess it became).

As an introvert it’s really important for me to have quiet time to recharge and I feel like I had some of that today. I’ve let myself get out of balance, I need to take better care of that.

Standard
happiness

She’s a really good person

I drove home one of the girl’s friends this afternoon after their sleepover. My daughter has worked hard to very purposefully pick out kind, thoughtful, fun friends. As this girl got out of my car she said thank you for having me over. I really like spending time with Jenna -she’s a really good person. 

In these teen years that are so filled with uncertainty, drama, and angst for girls I thought how wonderful it is that she’s also got such good friends who not only see but bring out the best in each other. That is a gift that will last her a lifetime. That is happiness.

And I completely agree. She is a really good person.

My gratitude:

the special souls who provide me with a safe place to land

My Drishti

My sister and the strength we draw from each other.

 

Standard