happiness

17 years ago tonight

17 years ago tonight I was in the process of a life changing event. Tomorrow at 3:06 am my baby boy made his grand entrance into the world. Becoming his mom changed me completely. I have learned to love harder, forgive more, be gentler, and find strength I didn’t know existed.

All of this I learned from him. He is one of the brightest stars in my sky and one of my greatest sources of happiness.

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happiness

Schitt’s Creek

We always have a family show we watch together. Right now it’s Schitt’s Creek which is silly and stupid, but also really funny and we can relate to it.

A family who used to have money and suddenly doesn’t? Ummm yeah.

It’s Canadian too which is extra cool. But mostly I just like that it’s a way we gather together and unwind and spend time together.

Family is what it’s all about after all.

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happiness

Being authentic

I’ve been really struggling over the last week as to whether or not I should take a blogging break. I’ve found a moment of happiness every day for almost 3 and a half years – even when dad died, when I got divorced, when he left us without money, when we have struggled, when mom died.

But right now I just don’t want to. I feel like I’m not being authentic talking about a trivial moment of happiness in days that are by far the worst I’ve experienced. And I can’t talk about that, so I can’t share the sad or the happy moments.

For right now I’m craving quiet. I don’t want the noise of social media. I need time to try and reconnect with a God I’m not sure I believe in at the moment. At the very least I feel abandoned by him. Don’t bother sending bible verses – I need action and miracles, I’ve lived on words and promises for long enough.

I know this too shall pass. I’m not sure how or when but it will. My plan is to take a break until the weekend is over and then reassess where things are at.

What I will say is that recovering from trauma is fucking hard and it’s taking every ounce of strength I have to pull my kids through this.

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happiness

The blossoms are back

I was unloading things from the car today when my nose notified me of another sign of spring. The blossoms are back on our beautiful crabapple trees.

My first thought was joy – ohh the blossoms are back. And my second thought was sadness – oh the blossoms are back.

When dad went to hospice three years minus four days ago, the blossoms were at their absolute best in the yard. He’d spent the last few days at home lying in his bed looking out the window at the blossoms. He died the next day in hospice.

Thank God for the movie Inside Out – it reminds me that Joy and Sadness exist together, and that sometimes Sadness takes the Joy memories and shades them blue. They’re still the same memories, there’s just a tinge of sadness attached to them.

I stood under the trees and said a little prayer of gratitude. We have had some really hard times over the last few years, but love, faith, and hope for a better tomorrow have kept us all going.

We went for a family walk this evening and saw half the neighborhood while we were at it. We have some challenges, but we are SO blessed to live where we do with our tribe around us. It’s really a unique community and I’m so grateful we are part of it.

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