Tag Archives: narcissistic abuse

happiness

Bad boy boot camp 

Drishti is being a total turd lately. So much so that he’s been put in bad boy boot camp – and he’s not a fan of this at all. 

It’s interesting this work we are doing – I need to command his respect, and also his trust. So I have to make him listen to me, and also build a relationship with him based on trust and respect. 

It’s a work in progress. Slowly but surely we are making progress. 


He forces me to keep working at it when I get scared or frustrated and want to give up because I want to have this relationship. It helps me find the determination to keep moving forward – a good skill for the rest of my life. 

Timely too as I’m feeling really overwhelmed. This whole financial black hole that Mr. X has thrown at us is exhausting. It’s made me remember that at the end of the day I have to learn to count on myself to look after the kids in every way – and that is overwhelming, scary, and t seems the next necessary step ahead. 

Things keep changing and I’m grateful that I’m getting stronger so I can keep on walking. Drishti helps me figure out the steps – and that is happiness. 

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Working together 

Today was dedicated to remembering the importance of my tribe, of keeping connected to a group of people in my life, to working together.

I had an old friend come out this morning and give me some help with Drishti. Both he and I needed a crash course in the importance of ground manners, and I needed to be reminded that I am the boss and he needs to respect that. She spent a lot of time with him reminding me of what I needed to be doing to make sure I have a decent horse to bond with. My relationship with him is important and it’s vital that we have clear boundaries and that he understands the rules. For me it was remembering that I need to jump in without fear and with love.

The afternoon was spent on some work things which also involves building relationships and having faith in myself. This evening I went for supper with a dear friend and we talked about everything you could possibly imagine – the poor server at the restaurant. Then we went to Women Empowering Women in Cochrane for a very powerful and emotional evening. Mental health was the topic, and there were lots of messages and emotions that came out of the evening for me – but the thing that stuck with me the most was how important it is to be vulnerable. If someone is brave enough to share their story it opens the door for others to share theirs as well – also for people to ask for help. People opened up tonight in ways that brought me to tears. We have had our own share of difficulties in our home, but everyone certainly has their own struggles and pain. Some of the stories are heartbreaking.

But the important thing is that we were all there sharing, being vulnerable, learning, not judging. It was magic and powerful.

We all depend on each other and when we can open up enough to let someone in – that is happiness.

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The trade off 

Today is my unniversary – it hasn’t been a great day for years now but I’m getting better about it.

It used to be a sad day because it was a reminder that I had made a promise to spend life with someone who was hellbent on destroying me. Last year it was a weird day as I had my own end of marriage ceeemony – gratitude I was on this side, sadness I endured for so long.

Today though I realized something. I used to think we were building security for the future. I hoped maybe once he made enough money, or was happy enough in his career, that things would get better. Eventually I began to wonder if this would ever be the case. But, then I was trading happiness in the present for the hope of security in the future.

Now I have happiness in the moment and no security for the future at all.

But these moments… they are awesome. And all we really have is the present moment. I realized this today as I was mowing the lawn, seeing my horse in the field beside me, watching my daughter and niece jump on the trampoline, and knowing that my boy was at a job that he loves.

These present moments of happiness are good ones. Who knows what the future holds, but the present- it holds happiness.

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Sharing stories

I have made a “mom friend” at ball this season. We bonded right away and the more we have talked the more we have realized that we share much of the same story. The details are different, but the theme of our marriages and subsequent breakups are pretty much the same. In a really unique way we understand what being this type of single mom means. And while that means there’s a lot of shared heartache, there are a lot of familiar funny stories.

Tonight we sat at the ball field and laughed while we shared some of the highlights from over the years. We both commented how nice it is to have someone who just gets the situation we are in. It can be a difficult one to explain to others and it makes it so much more simple to just be able to give the eyeball to each other, a quick nod, and say yep, I get it. 

I really like this woman, making good friends does not happen very often so I’m really grateful for the moments when this opportunity presents itself. That is happiness.

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Scared of snakes

My horse ended up with a little cut on his leg this morning that needed some attention. Part of that included an introduction to the scary hose. I don’t know much at all about his past, but I’m guessing based on how today went that he does not have a lot of experience with hoses. He was not impressed and danced around and snorted and basically acted like the end of the world was coming.

At first I lost my patience and yelled at him, following that up with trying to strong-arm all 1100 lbs of him into doing things my way. As you can imagine that didn’t work so well for me, and only resulted in making him more agitated. I stopped, took a deep breath, and began “an introduction to hoses” course with my guy. We spent a long time letting the hose run near him, over his hooves, and eventually up his leg to where the cut was. It took almost an hour from start to finish, but when we were done he wasn’t afraid, and I wasn’t frustrated.

He is so good at helping me figure out how to resolve issues so I can restore both of us to balance. When I’m in those moments with him I have two choices – I can give up and walk away knowing that I’ll never be able to progress any farther and likely will end up more behind than where I was when I started, or I can figure it out and move ahead. I choose always to figure it out and move ahead. It’s part of my training process with Drishti, and it’s part of my healing process for my life. If I ever quit and give up I will end up having to start again from the beginning, or never getting back on the path again. I can’t have that.

This guy brings me such soul smiling happiness. I am grateful all the time that he has landed in my life.

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Meaningful moments

This morning I worked on a surprise birthday present for my boy for quite a long time. I can’t reveal exactly what it is yet, but it’s very spiritual for him and he’s been asking for something like it for a while. Through my dear friend and mentor Asrael, I contacted a lady in Invermere who makes exactly what I wanted, and together this morning through the wonders of technology we brainstormed and created, and she is now in the process of putting together the perfect gift. I am so excited. I hope he loves it and cherishes it for years to come. It has a lot of personalized meaning for him, and helps represent a lot of the spiritual growth he’s done over the last couple of years.

It was meaningful. I’ve had a lot of meaningful moments lately that have made me stop and go hmmmmm. I’ve been in quiet contemplation the last few days as we approach the anniversary of my dad’s death. It seems impossible that tomorrow it will be two years since he passed. So much has happened, and yet I still expect to see him lying out in a field taking a photo of a flower with a big grin on his face. I know he’s here with us guiding us along as we all continue to bumble along our paths, figuring out what we are supposed to be doing and who we are. I miss him incredibly, but I know he wants us to be happy and find love and fulfillment.

I spent some time working with a lady who is helping me build a business which hopefully will start to generate some cash. Finding a way to take some of my financial stress away would be a game changer – there still is no indication that Mr. X has any intention of every making any more of the court ordered support payments.

I shared stores and laughs tonight with a dear girlfriend and that reminded me how important it is to have this tribe of people. I’ve lived life without my people around and I don’t ever again want to feel like I’m flying solo through life -either in faith or in person.

All these meaningful moments – they are what adds up to happiness. I am so blessed.

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Refusal of the call

When you refuse the call from life to follow your dreams, you run the risk of living an unfulfilled and unhappy life. No matter what you do, and no matter what material things you acquire along the way, if you don’t do the things that make your heart sing you will feel an overwhelming sense of dissatisfaction and regret when you get to the end of your life. (Hero. Rhonda Byrne)

All three of us have been home sick today. When I felt well enough, I spent the day reading and praying. I have been working through A Course in Miracles and after having a little chat with God this morning about how scared I was about this part of the path I’m walking on, it turns out that the reading I did today was all about fear. All healing is essentially the release from fear. To undertake this you cannot be fearful yourself. You do not understand healing because of your own fear. I am struggling with faith and fear, but I am very much aware that the only way to heal and to get where I want to go is to trust, let go of the fear, forgive,  and hold on to my faith.

I feel a lot of fear when I think about the fact that I am now completely and solely responsible for not only the emotional, but also the financial wellbeing of my kids. And yet, underneath that current of fear lies this very strong feeling that this is all part of a greater plan, and that if I can listen well and trust fully we will be more than ok. I think it’s our chance to be free and to thrive in an entirely new life. I didn’t work this hard to leave that situation and get us where we are now to give up and fall back into a fear based, miserable life.

It goes back to what I was talking about the other day when I was out with Dristhi and sat in a moment of wonder and gratitude. I don’t know about tomorrow, but at this exact moment in time we are safe, we are loved, we have a home, a car, food – all our basic needs are there. It’s only when I look into the future that I get scared, and the future could bring anything. I need to stay in this present moment when the girl is on one side of me, the boy on the other, cats and dog are happily having naps, and Drishti out in the yard eating green grass. This is the life we have created and it is a very happy life. When I stop and count my blessings there are a lot of them. I can very easily see how God has helped me every step of the way along this journey, so do I have any choice but to have faith that we will be cared for in this part as well? There is a lot of happiness in that.

 

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