happiness

Opening the heart 

I had what could very well end up being my last session of transformational acupuncture today – he’s moving from the west to the east and who knows when another Calgary stop will happen. 

But each of the 3 or 4 sessions I’ve had with him have really been transformational. It’s amazing how working the energy lines like he does clears up blocks I’ve been dealing with for years. 

Today was letting go of the fear of being hurt and opening the heart. Drishti had brought a lot of these issues that have been simmering to the surface, but of course as I look around in my life I see them present everywhere. 

We had a few (three!) unsettling, scary episodes this last weekend and it helped put things into perspective for me. I waste a lot of time being scared of nothing. When the really big scary stuff happens I stand up and deal with it just fine. So why so scared of potential unknowns? Seriously. 

It was amazing to feel the energy shift as we worked through the session. I felt the chatter that I’ve struggled to quiet in my mind vanish and my body relax in ways it hasn’t in years. 

That is happiness. Deep, hard core happiness. 

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The heart knows 

My lesson for today has been to reconnect with my heart. I’ve been feeling very out of balance for the last week or so and today it was brought to my attention that I’ve been living in my head – where fear lives – instead of my heart – where love is. 

Funny how I had to have a couple of very scary – truly fear filled – experiences to get me out of my fear making head and into my loving heart. 

I can’t make good decisions when I’m making them based on fear. And more importantly, I can’t look after myself when I’m basing my emotions on how others behave. If I’m looking for someone else to fill my needs I’ll always be lacking. This goes from everything from the fact that we still haven’t had a June or July payment (or full April or May) from mr. X, to wanting Drishti to behave as I would like (he’s getting much better anyway). 

I have to be in balance with myself. And balance doesn’t mean control. I’d love to think I can control the outcomes of everything, but I can’t.  And when I’m in my heart I have the faith to trust that the outcome will be the right one no matter what 

I managed to have an awesome ride this morning before it got too hot. This guy makes me work through all these issues because the only way we see going to connect and work together is if I lead from my heart. And I love him, so I want it to work. Heart living. Its happiness. 

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Beginner’s mind

Today I read a passage in the book A Return To Love that allowed me to better understand some of the issues I’ve been having both with meditation and with surrender.

In Zen Buddhism, there’s a concept called “zen mind”, or “beginner’s mind”. They say that the mind should be like an empty rice bowl. If it’s already full, then the universe can’t fill it. If it’s empty, it has room to receive. This means that when we think we have things already figured out, we’re not teachable. Genuine insight can’t dawn on a mind that’s not open to receive it. Surrender is a process of emptying the mind. 

I think of how many nights (and days) I have listened to endless mind chatter. Worrying about one thing or another, being angry about things I can’t change, thinking about the past or the future. My rice bowl has been full. When I meditate the bowl empties out a bit, when I have CST treatments it’s like someone turns that bowl upside down and shakes all the old stuff out.

I keep telling God I want to surrender, I want to hand my worries over to him. Yet I have control issues, I think I can handle things myself (FYI, I can’t), I keep my rice bowl full of things that aren’t nourishing me.

I understand better why the meditation time is so important, why I feel so filled after a CST treatment. I have made space in my head for the voice of God. That is happiness.

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Dad’s ice cream

I have had some significant challenges presented to me courtesy of Mr. X in the last week or so, and have had to spend some time figuring out how to deal with them. It’s essentially been the culmination of my greatest fears, and now I have to decide how I am going to proceed.

I want to scream, hide in fear, cry, and yell about the injustices. But, I have realized a few things: he does not care, he becomes happier knowing he causes me pain, my pain does nothing to aid my healing, and one last thing that I read about today:

There are but two directions you can take, while time remains and choice is meaningful. For never will another road be made except the way to Heaven. You but choose whether to go toward Heaven, or away to nowhere. There is nowhere else to choose. (A course in miracles)

I continue to work hard on the forgiveness, faith, and healing stuff. And I have massive challenges thrown in my path that force me to chose which road I want to take. For a long time I wanted to take the road to God, but was so fearful, angry, and lost that I would fall off the path. But, it’s true – there are only two choices – either I chose to continue to heal and learn to forgive, or I don’t.

So, I’m going to walk ahead in faith.

This is how I walked towards Heaven today:

I thanked God for my mom who without a word stepped up, stepped in, and helped me

I read

I prayed

I meditated

I talked with girlfriends in my tribe

I hung with Drishti

I thanked God we are here and safe

I ate Dad’s ice cream

Dad used to make us his favourite dessert when he was alive – it’s one of my yummy childhood memories. I’m stuck between Dad’s ice cream and Grandma’s cinnamon toast for happy comfort food memories. Dad would take vanilla ice cream, put on real maple syrup, and then add some salted peanuts – fancy right? But, like the cinnamon toast the magic was in the simplicity and the love that was behind the treat.

And I sat with the feelings of insecurity and fear I am experiencing. Then I looked around. We are all safe, we are home, my daughter is playing with her cousin, my son is running around in his Chewbacca onesie laughing, I have them, I have my family and friends, I have Drishti, and I have developed this entirely different relationship with God.  All of that is happiness. Real happiness that comes from within, that comes from the Divine.

And it’s springtime in Alberta which reminds me that there are possibilities of new beginnings, new ways of doing things, and that miracles happen all around us.

This is one of my Dad’s photos from the year before he died of our “springtime flower”.

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Just be happy now

Just be happy now

Out of this will come the miracles you seek (The Key by Joe Vitale)

Once I realized hope was missing from my life, I’ve been focusing on bringing it back to the centre of my being. If I don’t have hope what is the point? I don’t mean that my life was hopeless and that I was deep in dark despair or the world was ending. I mean I had forgotten to keep hoping for better things, that the rainbow is coming, that I can dance in the storm –  I forgot to be happy now.

My life has been a series of miracles over the past two years. Sometimes in the day to day stuff that stresses me out I forget just how much God has provided for me. Slowly but surely I am getting everything I ever wanted and just because there are some blips along the way does not mean that if I keep hope, if I stay happy, if I am clear about what I want,  that these miracles won’t continue.

I spent a big part of the day today in quiet meditation, clearing my heart and mind and focusing on what I want. I said to my friend while we were standing on the beach the other day that maybe I need to make a list of exactly what I want in life so I am clear about where I want to be going – so that’s what I did. Amazingly, I already have a lot of the things I want, which gives me faith that the other things are possible as well.

I realized that even with daily stress stuff, divorce stress stuff, kid stress stuff, I can just be happy now. Because if not now – when?

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Buddha’s birthday

The boy and I went to a service today that celebrated the Buddha’s birthday (while all the other Christians were at Palm Sunday), so I can now add that to the list of interesting things I’ve done. And it was quite interesting, and enjoyable, and very peaceful. I like the quiet meditation and the sensei is really very funny. The kids brought a (chocolate, this was very important, the buddha likes chocolate apparently) cake in and as they walked we sang happy birthday. When we were done one of the smaller kids asked the sensei how old Buddha was. He answered: how old is Buddha? Buddha is one – because Buddha is one with everything. Hahahah – truth.

Afterwards they had a celebratory lunch which we were invited to, so we had this amazing (free) meal and got the chance to meet some pretty interesting people. It was fun to be part of their celebration and it was a happiness moment I got to share with my boy who seems to find a lot of peace in this.

I had a moment of personal happiness later in the day after having conversations with two different friends. I chatted with them about somethings that have been weighing heavily on my mind and in my heart and came away feeling so much better – not only about the issues, but about the fact that I have such supportive, loving friends. This tribe I have is amazing and I am grateful for them always. That is life happiness.

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Lost in the parking lot 

This evening the girl and I channeled my dad as we got lost in the Walmart parking lot. He was famous for forgetting where his car was and I’m sure he would have found it hilarious watching us wander around. I was saying to her as we left the store how I wasn’t really enjoying adulting as much as I had thought I would and that what I really needed was someone to kind of manage me. No sooner had I got those words out than we realized we didn’t know where the car was and we had to stop and search the lot (it was on the far side). I didn’t realize that some poor man had been following us and listening to this entire conversation, but he certainly got some good laughs at our expense and said as he walked by yeah, this parking lot can be confusing for sure and snorted and laughed as he walked away. That was silly happiness.

I had healing happiness today in the form of some energy work that did some deep spiritual shifting and healing. It’s all coming together, maybe not as fast or as ordered as I’d like it, but it is coming together. That is gratitude and happiness.

More happiness came watching my girl practice her softball. It certainly is her sport and it’s really cool to see her be so confident and own what she is doing. Then we came home to this view… and… well… this is what happiness looks like…

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