happiness

I see God in everything 

I came into today with very mixed emotions – on the one hand it is the 16th birthday of my beloved son, on the other hand Father’s Day has become a rather difficult day in our household.

I have been doing A Course in Miracles and the lesson today was about how I see God in everything. I read it, I remembered it, I prayed about it – then I began my day.

I started by making the boy’s traditional birthday pie for his breakfast. The girl had stayed up late and left a trail of notes for him to read as he made his way downstairs telling him how much he was loved.

I thought how appropriate it was that he was eating pie this morning, not only for his tummy but also because my Dad loved pie and it was a nice way for me to remember him. There was definitely God in everything around me.

 

I dropped the girl at her morning ball game and the boy at church and then headed off to Glenbow Ranch to have a little quiet time in the flowers so I could honour my Dad. Wildflowers were my Dad’s thing and he had taken me to this park the summer before he died so we could look at the flowers.

 

After I walked around a little bit I stopped beside this wood lily which just happens to be my favourite flower of all. I sat on the side of the hill and cried a little bit (thankfully I was alone – the public crying gets to be a little much sometimes). I was looking up the hill for a while – as in the photo above – and then turned my position and looked west. I realized that from where I was sitting I could see the ranch, I could see Moose Mountain, I could see home. It was really comforting to just sit there in the quiet with the flowers around me, holding memories of my dad, and just be thankful for the life I have. I could sit there beside that flower and really, truly see God in everything.

After the girls won their ball game – and it was a very hard earned win – we took the boy out for lunch at Mr. Mikes. Talk about trying to cram everything into one day – I was worried I wouldn’t get to spend much time with him on his birthday because the win meant that the girls were off to at least 2 more ball games in NE Calgary and the boy had to work this evening. But we grabbed the small moment and made the best of it – God in everything. 

The girls played hard this afternoon. It ended up being the same team from the morning and they battled it out for two more games to finally become tournament champions. This was no small feat – these girls were certainly the underdogs at the beginning of the season and they dominated. Jenna is still flying high. God in everything – it was easy to see as the parents cheered and laughed and as the kids played and thrived.

The win was celebrated by a very late supper with the boy at his work. This work has brought out so much in him, it has been a great step into adulthood. God in everything.

 

I gave the boy his present late last night. I had ordered custom made Mala beads a few weeks ago – it was the only thing he had asked me for. Every bead was put on with love and in prayer. It was added to a box that was filled with letters written by the important people in his life – his loved ones, his family – and a HUGE thank you to all of you who wrote the letters. He has been sitting and reading them and smiling with glistening eyes. It is something he will treasure for the rest of his life. God in everything, His hands in the love in those letters that the boy will be able to pull out and read for the rest of his life and always remember that he is loved.


This day may have started with mixed emotions, but it was a day of big happiness, and one that I am incredibly grateful for.

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happiness

Beginner’s mind

Today I read a passage in the book A Return To Love that allowed me to better understand some of the issues I’ve been having both with meditation and with surrender.

In Zen Buddhism, there’s a concept called “zen mind”, or “beginner’s mind”. They say that the mind should be like an empty rice bowl. If it’s already full, then the universe can’t fill it. If it’s empty, it has room to receive. This means that when we think we have things already figured out, we’re not teachable. Genuine insight can’t dawn on a mind that’s not open to receive it. Surrender is a process of emptying the mind. 

I think of how many nights (and days) I have listened to endless mind chatter. Worrying about one thing or another, being angry about things I can’t change, thinking about the past or the future. My rice bowl has been full. When I meditate the bowl empties out a bit, when I have CST treatments it’s like someone turns that bowl upside down and shakes all the old stuff out.

I keep telling God I want to surrender, I want to hand my worries over to him. Yet I have control issues, I think I can handle things myself (FYI, I can’t), I keep my rice bowl full of things that aren’t nourishing me.

I understand better why the meditation time is so important, why I feel so filled after a CST treatment. I have made space in my head for the voice of God. That is happiness.

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Refusal of the call

When you refuse the call from life to follow your dreams, you run the risk of living an unfulfilled and unhappy life. No matter what you do, and no matter what material things you acquire along the way, if you don’t do the things that make your heart sing you will feel an overwhelming sense of dissatisfaction and regret when you get to the end of your life. (Hero. Rhonda Byrne)

All three of us have been home sick today. When I felt well enough, I spent the day reading and praying. I have been working through A Course in Miracles and after having a little chat with God this morning about how scared I was about this part of the path I’m walking on, it turns out that the reading I did today was all about fear. All healing is essentially the release from fear. To undertake this you cannot be fearful yourself. You do not understand healing because of your own fear. I am struggling with faith and fear, but I am very much aware that the only way to heal and to get where I want to go is to trust, let go of the fear, forgive,  and hold on to my faith.

I feel a lot of fear when I think about the fact that I am now completely and solely responsible for not only the emotional, but also the financial wellbeing of my kids. And yet, underneath that current of fear lies this very strong feeling that this is all part of a greater plan, and that if I can listen well and trust fully we will be more than ok. I think it’s our chance to be free and to thrive in an entirely new life. I didn’t work this hard to leave that situation and get us where we are now to give up and fall back into a fear based, miserable life.

It goes back to what I was talking about the other day when I was out with Dristhi and sat in a moment of wonder and gratitude. I don’t know about tomorrow, but at this exact moment in time we are safe, we are loved, we have a home, a car, food – all our basic needs are there. It’s only when I look into the future that I get scared, and the future could bring anything. I need to stay in this present moment when the girl is on one side of me, the boy on the other, cats and dog are happily having naps, and Drishti out in the yard eating green grass. This is the life we have created and it is a very happy life. When I stop and count my blessings there are a lot of them. I can very easily see how God has helped me every step of the way along this journey, so do I have any choice but to have faith that we will be cared for in this part as well? There is a lot of happiness in that.

 

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In this exact moment 

It was a beautiful morning and I grabbed a quiet moment to take Drishti for a ride. I am happy to report he was much easier to catch than he was the other day. As I was walking him back to the barn, I had to stop at the top of the hill and look west at Moose Mountain which was absolutely brilliant, then I looked back at Drishti behind me and I thought this is why it’s so important to live in the moment. I have prayed for years for this exact moment to arrive. I am standing in the place I love most in the world with the horse that is absolutely perfect for me. If I was worrying or focusing on anything else but right now, I would miss this exact moment.

The mounted version of that moment came a bit later and looks like this:

It’s breathtaking, it’s humbling, it makes me know that God is here and with me, it’s peaceful, it’s loving, it’s a happiness moment. Both times I stood (sat) in gratitude and thanked Him for all my blessings. I remembered I am living the life I have prayed for.

When I was finished riding, my cousin grabbed me and asked if I would like to help her pair out cows and calves. I was all over that. I haven’t “helped” (and I use that term loosely) move cows in two years, and I had no idea how Drishti would handle it, but yes please I am so willing to do that.

 

He’s a pretty level headed guy, my horse, and he was just fine out there. We saw Derek the orphan calf from last year who didn’t seem to care that I existed at all, and lots of really cute newborns with their mamas.

The fact that this is something I can walk out my back door and do is such a huge gift from God. It is so good for my soul, it puts me back in touch with nature, I love spending time with my cousin and she’s a wealth of information so I learned a lot while I was at it.

I am grateful for every second of this life.

I am home

I am safe

I am happy

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