My tired heart

Today my heart is tired and sad. I’m working hard at forgiveness, but again it really is hard to forgive someone who not only isn’t sorry but who is actively trying to destroy me. All I know is I have to. I must keep working at it. I have to do it for me, I have to do it for the kids. I don’t want them living under the the black cloud of his hate anymore – it’s too much.

There are always little rays of sunshine in my dark days. Today when I wanted to just lie down and cry I went and focused on my Drishti.

I just want to squish him all the time

My kids spent the afternoon and evening with their aunt and uncle – my extra parents and their extra grandparents. It was cooking lesson time with Auntie Crazy and some of the cousins. They came home full of smiles and pizza.

Thank God we are home and we are safe. We have our tribe and we have each other – that is happiness.


Refusal of the call

When you refuse the call from life to follow your dreams, you run the risk of living an unfulfilled and unhappy life. No matter what you do, and no matter what material things you acquire along the way, if you don’t do the things that make your heart sing you will feel an overwhelming sense of dissatisfaction and regret when you get to the end of your life. (Hero. Rhonda Byrne)

All three of us have been home sick today. When I felt well enough, I spent the day reading and praying. I have been working through A Course in Miracles and after having a little chat with God this morning about how scared I was about this part of the path I’m walking on, it turns out that the reading I did today was all about fear. All healing is essentially the release from fear. To undertake this you cannot be fearful yourself. You do not understand healing because of your own fear. I am struggling with faith and fear, but I am very much aware that the only way to heal and to get where I want to go is to trust, let go of the fear, forgive,  and hold on to my faith.

I feel a lot of fear when I think about the fact that I am now completely and solely responsible for not only the emotional, but also the financial wellbeing of my kids. And yet, underneath that current of fear lies this very strong feeling that this is all part of a greater plan, and that if I can listen well and trust fully we will be more than ok. I think it’s our chance to be free and to thrive in an entirely new life. I didn’t work this hard to leave that situation and get us where we are now to give up and fall back into a fear based, miserable life.

It goes back to what I was talking about the other day when I was out with Dristhi and sat in a moment of wonder and gratitude. I don’t know about tomorrow, but at this exact moment in time we are safe, we are loved, we have a home, a car, food – all our basic needs are there. It’s only when I look into the future that I get scared, and the future could bring anything. I need to stay in this present moment when the girl is on one side of me, the boy on the other, cats and dog are happily having naps, and Drishti out in the yard eating green grass. This is the life we have created and it is a very happy life. When I stop and count my blessings there are a lot of them. I can very easily see how God has helped me every step of the way along this journey, so do I have any choice but to have faith that we will be cared for in this part as well? There is a lot of happiness in that.




Can’t catch me

I had a crash course in determination and facing fear today thanks to my lovely equine.

When I got Drishti the girl told me that he was super easy to catch and that he was at the bottom of the pecking order in his field. Well he used to be super easy to catch, but lately he has decided to make it a bit more of a challenge for me. The other day he ran away from me, and when I went to the head of the herd (Jackson) to catch him, Drishti came at him and head butted him until he also ran away. I eventually caught Jackson and immediately Drishti got so jealous he couldn’t stand it and let me catch him.

Today when I went out the same thing happened, he ran away, except this time he changed things up when I went to catch Jackson. I was just about to put on the halter and Drishti came charging up and pushed at Jackson with his chest until Jackson finally gave up and moved away. Interestingly Drishti never had his ears pinned or looked annoyed, it was like he thought he was playing a really un-fun-for-mom game. Finally I did the same thing as before- caught Jackson, had Drishti get all jealous, and caught him.

I really missed my grandma’s old dog who would chase the horses into the corral saving me hours of running up and down the field trying to catch stubborn ponies in my childhood (*cough* Pirate *cough*).

He was a jerk, I had to lunge him for a good 15 minutes to get him to calm down then I saddled him up and took him out in the field. He felt a little spooky (he never spooks) and suddenly the other horses galloped by in the next field. Drishti curled into a little ball of stress and had a momentary freak out that fortunately didn’t turn into a bucking fest.

I pulled him back to a walk, got us both under control and had to think for a few seconds about what I wanted to do. Part of me wanted to just bail, he was not his usual chill self and I didn’t feel like getting hurt. The part of me that wants to get stronger and heal knew that if I gave up I would be scared again. So, I made him do work – we did circles, we worked on bending, we did  some transitions. He was tired when we were done, and I felt happy. Happy I had faced a fear, happy because when I am riding my spirit sings.

It’s an interesting space we are in right now, this between time as we wait for my lawyer and the US system to force Mr. X to start making his court ordered payments again. It baffles me the lack of conscience this man has, but it’s been a good reminder that he just doesn’t care. At all. About anything. And along with the fear, there is a certain kind of freedom that comes from knowing that I must give up any expectations of him ever doing the right thing for his kids. It’s a painful lesson, and one I seem to have had to learn over and over, but I think I’ve got it now.

His life is so hard 


A quiet spot

For the first time in ages we didn’t have anything to do this evening and enjoyed a quiet family night at home. It was kind of nice for the three of us to relax and just visit with each other. The kids have expressed (to my dismay) how stressed they are feeling because of the nonpayments from Mr. X. We talked about it a bit tonight and I assured them (as my mom has assured me when I have had my own meltdowns) that we are safe, we are loved, we are cared for – whatever he chooses to do or not do is on him, but our lives will go on. I think they feel a bit more secure, I know I feel a lot better knowing there are people here who love and care for us.

Happiness is found in all kinds of moments. I have to choose how I am going to handle this present situation – I am making it my mission that we will come through this stronger, more loving, and happier than before.

I don’t know what I would do without my family – my kids, my mom, my sister, and my extended family. I can’t imagine how we would have ever done this if things had fallen apart while we were away and I’m so grateful that God brought us back to our tribe. In a dark storm, that is a bright rainbow of happiness with a pot of gold at the end.