happiness

Feeding my soul

I’ve been really stressed out and run down lately. It’s due in part to the things I need to sort out for mom’s estate – there are lots of things that the government needs because of the extra care she was getting. I’m so grateful for all that care – it allowed her to spend more time at home, and gave her a lot of comfort and peace – so the work is totally worth it. It is just sad work, I’m not really accepting well the fact that both mom and dad are gone. I think it’s just a lot to absorb, and so much has happened the last 3 years.

Added to that is the chore of getting my things ready for taxes. It is emotionally draining as I’ve had to go back and pay my lawyer again to show the thousands of dollars that I have spent in attempts to have Mr. X follow the court order for support. He is now almost $40,000 behind in payments and to say that has had a huge impact on our lives is no joke. It’s hard on me, it’s hard on the kids – it’s exhausting.

I have realized that I’ve been so stressed out that I haven’t been looking after my soul properly lately. I need my Drishti, I need the peace he brings me, I need to be spending more time with him. He is a big part of what feeds my soul and recharges me so that I have the strength to carry on. I can’t make Mr. X follow the court order or be a decent human, I can’t bring my parents back – but I can go riding and free my soul even for a little while.

I really can only be responsible for my own happiness, my own freedom, and my own life choices. I need to be making ones that are good for my soul, for my family, for my heart.

Thank God for this horse.

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happiness

It’s what makes me happy

Today was one of those days that was just so good. We need more days that bring peace to our hearts and smiles to our faces.

We spent the day in Olds at 4H multi-judging – it’s something so far out of my comfort zone and experience – yet the more my kids get involved in 4H the more I love it. I’m so happy they get to have these experiences, and we have such an awesome club. The adults get along, the kids get along, and the fact that most of us are related is a huge bonus. One thing about coming from such a large family is we have lots of extended cousins that we don’t know very well and things like this allows us to deepen those relationships. I love it.

The girl had softball evaluations after that – and softball is what makes her heart sing. I loved watching her hit the ball and run bases and do the other exercises they laid out for the kids. When she got in the car after she said it’s what makes me the happiest of all – playing ball – and we all need that thing that makes our spirit feel free.

We finished the day with a family birthday party at the Hall. I love the family, the community and our Hall and I love that we get to be part of people coming together to share and celebrate.

There are always ups and downs and bumps in the road- but when the sunshines in my heart on days like this it outshines any darkness that may be lurking. Life is good.

AND it was a year ago today I met my heart horse – I love him to the depths of my soul.

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happiness

Where do you go for peace?

Peace. It’s a powerful word at anytime, but it’s one that is used a lot at this time of the year. How do you find peace? Where do you go for peace?

I felt our pastor explained it really well yesterday. To find peace first we must look upward and secure our connection to God, to our Source, to the Divine. Then we must build peace within ourselves. Once we have done that we can extend our peace outwards into the world.

I have been guilty of ignoring my connection to God with the thinking that “he has big shoulders, he’ll always be there, so he can handle the fact that I’m mad as f*ck at him.”

Turns out it doesn’t necessarily work that way.

So – the question I had to ask myself is where do you go for peace?

My soul connection has always been a horse. Before I knew about connecting, before I knew about meditation, before I knew people spent a lifetime trying to find God; I was out on the back of my horse riding through fields in complete alignment. It takes a bit more work now but it still is my easiest line of connection.

I always come back a much happier person. Today my girl looked at me while she was cuddled with her therapy cat Abu and said he’s your Abu. He makes you feel safe and loved. 

That horse is happiness.

Do not let your heart be troubled

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happiness

Tender moments

After 5 very long and sometimes scary weeks, mom is home – at least for the weekend – but hopefully for good. The hospital gave us a 48 hour pass to assess where she is at and to make sure she feels she can stay at home. It is so good to have her back where she belongs, where she is loved, where she can enjoy the peace and quiet of home. 

She’s tired, she needs to gain strength, but she is home. That is happiness.

I have seen and been part of so many tender moments over the last little bit. Being in a crisis either brings out the best or the worst in people, and I’ve witnessed so much love and tenderness the last few weeks it has really warmed my heart.

This morning we had a very odd but lovely family reunion in the hospital with me, my mom, my cousin, and her mom. There’s something about being in crisis that strips us all down to our barest selves – and that’s who we really should be anyway.

I had a tender moment of a different kind this afternoon with my Drishti. I fell in love with him the minute I saw him, but actually building a bond and learning to trust each other has taken some time. Today when I went out he wanted to play with me for the first time. I stayed with him in the field for almost an hour grabbing his nose while he grubbed around with his lips. He was more relaxed than I’ve ever seen him and he kept rubbing his head against me – it was most certainly a moment of tenderness and love. We are learning how we are together.

His sleepyhead face

Life is all about the relationships we share with others. I am so grateful for my tribe.

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happiness

A little horse girl

My 6 year old niece joined me this afternoon to give Drishti his supplements. Of course, once we got organized to go the wind picked up and it seemed a little storm-like and all of the horses were a little spooky. I think Drishti just likes to hear himself snort sometimes.

This little girl has not spent much time around horses at all, but is fascinated by them. We went through how to properly feed him from her hand and she earnestly practiced on her way out to the field. I was so impressed not only at how well she listened and quietly approached my horse to give him a treat, but how well she listened as I gave her directions to move as the other horsed came tearing into the other field to see what we were up to. She stayed so calm and focused and carried a confidence that made me think here’s a little horse girl in the making.

It’s fun to share something you love with someone you love. That’s happiness.

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happiness

Check it yourself 

When I was a kid learning about horses it was always drilled into me that no matter if someone had tacked up my horse it was always my responsibility to make sure that everything was safe and in working order before I got on. It’s a lesson that has carried me through the rest of my life as well – no matter what anyone else says, or how they try to help me, at the end of the day I’m responsible for making sure things are done properly and safely for my own life.

I was tacking up Dristhi today with my western saddle. I had it all done, him bridled up, and I was just reaching for my hard hat when he spooked at a barrel that has been in the corral for weeks (but suddenly was scary) and lost his mind. As he was freaking out the strap on the saddle broke, cinch came apart, and the saddle went flying across the corral. This of course didn’t spook him at all, that is only reserved for barrels that don’t move.

All I could think was holy crap -what if that had happened when I was ON him?. I have checked that saddle on a regular basis, but I wouldn’t have checked it today. Thank goodness my guardian angel was on duty and ditched the saddle before I got on.

I switched to my English saddle – which I think he actually likes better – and off we went for what was one of the best rides we’ve had. He’s such a good guy.

It’s an odd little happiness moment, but I’m so happy that my accident happened in the safety of the corral and before I was on. It served as a good reminder to pay attention to everything I’m doing. And I was super grateful later on when my cousin did a temporary fix on my saddle and told me what I need to do to get a new strap put on.

Hard to believe that a few weeks ago this guy was being such an ass I couldn’t even work with him. Look at that cute little face. 

 

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happiness

Nightmares and daydreams 

My son had to wake me up twice last night because I was having night terrors. Not just regular old nightmares, but sleep paralysis and night terrors (it was just as lovely to experience as it sounds). The after effects of a rather traumatic experience last week. The boy knew exactly what they were and shrugged and said I got those a lot last summer after I saw my dad,  then went back to bed. So that was lovely to hear, and kept me awake for a good chunk of the night.

But, the nightmares don’t last in the daytime and today I made a special effort to be thankful for the good things in my life. The boy and I went to to the farmer’s market and we have enough cherries, berries, and peaches to get good and sick off of (I have no self control when it comes to cherries), we looked at displays, tried curries, and bought Indian food. It was a success.

In the spirit of continuing to de-clutter I worked on my poor, neglected vegetable garden. I’m hoping that in two more days it will look like a loved place once again.

Then I went out for a ride. If I ever need a reminder that God loves me and that he preforms miracles all I have to do is look at Drishti. He is a miracle in my life and he teaches me to love, to trust, and to not be afraid. He also just lets me be happy.

Plus, I am home, I am safe, and this is the view I get while I’m on my horse. There’s a lot to be thankful for, and that makes me happy.

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