happiness

Check it yourself 

When I was a kid learning about horses it was always drilled into me that no matter if someone had tacked up my horse it was always my responsibility to make sure that everything was safe and in working order before I got on. It’s a lesson that has carried me through the rest of my life as well – no matter what anyone else says, or how they try to help me, at the end of the day I’m responsible for making sure things are done properly and safely for my own life.

I was tacking up Dristhi today with my western saddle. I had it all done, him bridled up, and I was just reaching for my hard hat when he spooked at a barrel that has been in the corral for weeks (but suddenly was scary) and lost his mind. As he was freaking out the strap on the saddle broke, cinch came apart, and the saddle went flying across the corral. This of course didn’t spook him at all, that is only reserved for barrels that don’t move.

All I could think was holy crap -what if that had happened when I was ON him?. I have checked that saddle on a regular basis, but I wouldn’t have checked it today. Thank goodness my guardian angel was on duty and ditched the saddle before I got on.

I switched to my English saddle – which I think he actually likes better – and off we went for what was one of the best rides we’ve had. He’s such a good guy.

It’s an odd little happiness moment, but I’m so happy that my accident happened in the safety of the corral and before I was on. It served as a good reminder to pay attention to everything I’m doing. And I was super grateful later on when my cousin did a temporary fix on my saddle and told me what I need to do to get a new strap put on.

Hard to believe that a few weeks ago this guy was being such an ass I couldn’t even work with him. Look at that cute little face. 

 

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happiness

Nightmares and daydreams 

My son had to wake me up twice last night because I was having night terrors. Not just regular old nightmares, but sleep paralysis and night terrors (it was just as lovely to experience as it sounds). The after effects of a rather traumatic experience last week. The boy knew exactly what they were and shrugged and said I got those a lot last summer after I saw my dad,  then went back to bed. So that was lovely to hear, and kept me awake for a good chunk of the night.

But, the nightmares don’t last in the daytime and today I made a special effort to be thankful for the good things in my life. The boy and I went to to the farmer’s market and we have enough cherries, berries, and peaches to get good and sick off of (I have no self control when it comes to cherries), we looked at displays, tried curries, and bought Indian food. It was a success.

In the spirit of continuing to de-clutter I worked on my poor, neglected vegetable garden. I’m hoping that in two more days it will look like a loved place once again.

Then I went out for a ride. If I ever need a reminder that God loves me and that he preforms miracles all I have to do is look at Drishti. He is a miracle in my life and he teaches me to love, to trust, and to not be afraid. He also just lets me be happy.

Plus, I am home, I am safe, and this is the view I get while I’m on my horse. There’s a lot to be thankful for, and that makes me happy.

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happiness

Practice time 

This evening I took some time and practiced what my friend had shown me yesterday. You could call it either a game of “which one of us is going to be dominant in this relationship” or “which one of us is more stubborn”. I won tonight’s episode. He’s a good guy, and a smart guy, but also a lazy one who doesn’t want to be worked. We will change that. My friend said it’s kind of like working with a teenager and she was spot on. He would rather be in the field eating and hanging with his friends, but when I force him to do something he discovers he kind of likes it.

I have waited what seems like a lifetime for this guy and I’m so grateful he’s in my life. He brings me peace and happiness, he also helps me heal, let go of fear, find strength, and connect with God.

That’s happiness.

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Scared of snakes

My horse ended up with a little cut on his leg this morning that needed some attention. Part of that included an introduction to the scary hose. I don’t know much at all about his past, but I’m guessing based on how today went that he does not have a lot of experience with hoses. He was not impressed and danced around and snorted and basically acted like the end of the world was coming.

At first I lost my patience and yelled at him, following that up with trying to strong-arm all 1100 lbs of him into doing things my way. As you can imagine that didn’t work so well for me, and only resulted in making him more agitated. I stopped, took a deep breath, and began “an introduction to hoses” course with my guy. We spent a long time letting the hose run near him, over his hooves, and eventually up his leg to where the cut was. It took almost an hour from start to finish, but when we were done he wasn’t afraid, and I wasn’t frustrated.

He is so good at helping me figure out how to resolve issues so I can restore both of us to balance. When I’m in those moments with him I have two choices – I can give up and walk away knowing that I’ll never be able to progress any farther and likely will end up more behind than where I was when I started, or I can figure it out and move ahead. I choose always to figure it out and move ahead. It’s part of my training process with Drishti, and it’s part of my healing process for my life. If I ever quit and give up I will end up having to start again from the beginning, or never getting back on the path again. I can’t have that.

This guy brings me such soul smiling happiness. I am grateful all the time that he has landed in my life.

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Sunshine around the cloud

I have been pretty vocal about my feelings about the support issue that has been going on over the last few months, and because I have shared the bad I also want to share the good. I checked my bank account and two payments were deposited in the last couple of days. They are both less than the normal amount, but money was put in and I can buy groceries for the kids and I again without huge amounts of stress sitting in my gut.

I am so thankful and happy that this seems to have been resolved. I am thankful that Mr. X decided to make the payments and that maybe this will settle some things in all of our lives. It’s a big deal and I’m glad we are in this place where maybe things can calm again and we can get to a better place.

This is huge happiness.

I had happiness this morning as well when I took Drishti out for a ride – actually just schooled circles with him in the field. He’s paranoid of the electric fences and really feeling spunky from all the green grass so we had a “trot until you drop” kind of workout. I almost dropped first, but managed to outlast him.

He teaches me how to be brave. My desire to bond with him and ride beats any fear I have when he’s being a turd – so I keep moving ahead even when I get anxious feelings in my gut. It teaches me to do that in real life too.

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Building trust, watching fences, opening doors, dropping walls

Building trust is something I’ve been working on lately. I want to allow myself to trust more willingly again, and I want to be the kind of person who can be trusted  (I think I am already, but I need to have faith in that knowledge). Being able to trust again after the pain and damage of my marriage is a difficult thing, but it’s something I must work towards. It’s like love – you either live with an open heart and feel, which leaves you vulnerable to being hurt, or you close off entirely – saving yourself that heart pain, but living with an empty heart. To live the life I want, I must be able to trust those in inner circle. Drishti is a good learning tool for this exercise.

I finally had a chance to spend some time with my beloved Drishti this morning – life has been busy, or the weather has been cold and rainy and I haven’t been able to ride the much in the last week or so. He’s living with his buddies in an area that is blocked off by electric fence so that they don’t make big pigs of themselves on the green grass. It’s a good thing and usually works well, but my poor boy is terrified of the fence – thanks in part to a little mishap we had a couple of weeks ago.

Today I took him out of his part of the field and brought him over near my place to get him ready to ride. He was very nervous and spooking at everything. At the time I wasn’t totally sure what his problem was and thought maybe the ton of fresh green grass he had been eating, added to me not riding may have just made him a little crazy in the head. But, as I kept working with him, I realized that he was incredibly scared of anywhere that the electric fence had been put up.

I had to coax him and work quietly with him to get him to a part of the field where I could ride. We walked around quietly for quite some time, and eventually I felt all his muscles relax and his great, long neck stretch out. He was trusting me and accepting my guidance, understanding that I was telling him that I would keep him safe. He earned my trust a while ago and I believe (as much as he can being an animal) that he will work to keep me safe, and now I feel like he’s got the same trust in me.

It made my heart warm with joy. It totally changes a relationship when there is complete trust. Either one of us may make a mistake and hurt the other, but I think we both know that we will each do our best to look after each other. In any relationship this makes magic happen. With my horse there are many life and death situations we can get into, but it is equally important in my other relationships that I build or keep this kind of trust. Where we have each other’s back no matter what, but love and forgive, and understand that mistakes may happen.

Our exercise in trust with the fence today made me think of a quote by Rumi that I had read a while ago that came with a photo that I felt explained it brilliantly:

Why struggle to open a door between us when the whole wall is an illusion? ~ Rumi

Drishti for me is what happiness represents. He is saving my life, bringing me back to myself, but helping me become a better version of myself. He is truly a miracle in my life and I am so incredibly grateful for him.

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happiness

The new story

I visited with someone today who I have a feeling is going to become part of my tribe. I love it when I meet someone and I know that they’re one of my people. And because she’s also a heart based person, we have had deep discussions since the moment we met. As we were talking she said something about how “this is going to be your story”.

It struck me that I am in the process of writing an entirely different story. I am no longer who I was, and I don’t feel like because of that I’m stuck in that place of being someone I don’t want to be. I get to write an entirely different story now.

Every day life is getting better, we are all finding happier ways to live out our story. I still have no idea where this path is heading, but I’m so grateful I’m on it. That is happiness.

And so is this:

 


I still can’t believe he is in my life. Talk about answered prayers.

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