Working through it

I wrote an exam for my health coaching coure this morning – got 91% thank you very much! – and am so close to being done.

This course has been the epitome of working through it. I started last summer when my life was relatively quiet, but the next year saw my life completely shift and in many ways shatter. It makes me feel like I’m working through the change to be able to finish this course and begin building my new life. It’s time.


Softball and the Still Point

About a year ago my awesome massage therapist (who is a healer and a spiritual warrior) loaned me his Still Point Inducer to help relax my nervous system and being me some anxiety relief. After using it for a week and really enjoying it, I did a DYI version with tennis balls and have used that for the last year.

It helped, but not as much as the real Still Point Inducer. So about a week ago I ordered one of my own.

There actually is a still point I get to when I use this thing. It’s amazing. I can feel my whole nervous system reset and for hours after I can feel the space of calmness that has been created in my head. It calms the monkey mind. Miracle!!

It actually has me enjoying meditation again. Bigger miracle. Total happiness

The girl has started ball practice tonight (indoor due to the never ending winter we are experiencing). And talk about happiness. Much as my horse is my Spiritual Utility Vehicle – ball is hers. She gets right in the zone and glows.


Being strong

The girl and I had a long discussion today about what it means to be strong.

I think both of us have realized that our definition of being strong has changed. It no longer means protecting ourselves – we are no longer living in danger or in crisis- rather it means being vulnerable and cracking our carefully guarded hearts open.

It’s a huge leap in healing for both of us. And we both naturally want to guard our hearts and protect ourselves.

I have learned this means I need to me authentically me – I can’t shape myself to make other people happy anymore. It’s ok to tell people what I want and let them do the same.

We have had to be tough and protected and strong for years. Now we have to be soft, and vulnerable, and loving, and embrace the strength that comes with that.


Calm the critter brain

I met with a lady from my course today and we kind of coached each other through calming our critter brains. Both of us are pretty introverted and have that racing mind that can get in the way of what we want – so it was really nice to have someone I could talk to who gets it.

I have to say though, my meditation routine has by far been the best item in my tickle trunk for calming that mind. Still hate it, but not as much – and I’m really starting to see the benefits.

Baby steps towards peace and happiness.


Building strong

The kids and I started week 4 of our transformation program today. It has been interesting doing this along with them – I hear them thinking out loud about some of the things we have discussed as they are searching out snacks. When we have been in the grocery store they look at food and see how it falls in line with the goals they have set out, and it has changed what they’re asking for.

The results are starting to roll in as well. We all have lost some weight and all are feeling a little better about the choices we are making. It’s all about changing habits and behaviours and we are learning how to do that.

There was a sign in my old chiropractor’s office in Virginia that said “It’s easier to build strong children than repair broken men”. It’s a gift I hope my kids carry with them into adulthood – they are learning to value themselves – to know that they matter and are worth looking after.


Trust in him

Trust is essential and as I’m learning to trust myself again  I know that self trust is only one piece of the pie. I need to trust in myself, trust in my Higher Power, trust in others, and trust in the process of life.

Trust in others has often been difficult for me – partly because I didn’t trust myself enough not to put my faith in those who aren’t trustworthy- but trust is something I did learn to do as a small child, out in a field, on the back of my horse.

In order to make the horse/rider relationship work the way I like it to, we both have to trust each other with our lives. And I have to do this all the while knowing that either one of us could make a mistake that could cause injury or worse. Yet we trust and we go. We have to. Of course, you need a horse who is safe and sane and a rider who is the same.

Thank God for Drishti, he’s helping me rebuild my trust and faith in myself and I’m learning to trust him as well (even when he’s a turd).

I wish this process was more unicorns and rainbows, it feels like it should be more unicorns and rainbows. Instead it’s a lot of tears and pushing through fear and praying nonstop that I’ll make it through to the other side. But the other option was to stay where I was before, and that would have destroyed me. If you’re going through hell, keep on going.

I remember when I got Rolex years ago and he was (also) a total turd. When I would go to get on and put my foot in the stirrup, he used to bend his head around and bite my butt. Then as I was hauling myself up into the saddle, he used to bolt across the arena bucking. This was what I did for fun y’all.  But it also kind of feels like life – I held on and learned to make him listen to me, and once we got each other sorted out we were an amazing team. I used to jump him over 5 foot oxers with my arms straight out at my sides, his head completely free, me praying like mad that I’d survive. We trusted each other. Trust is an essential step on the road to happiness. I need to trust again.