Tag Archives: Meditation

happiness

Dad’s ice cream

I have had some significant challenges presented to me courtesy of Mr. X in the last week or so, and have had to spend some time figuring out how to deal with them. It’s essentially been the culmination of my greatest fears, and now I have to decide how I am going to proceed.

I want to scream, hide in fear, cry, and yell about the injustices. But, I have realized a few things: he does not care, he becomes happier knowing he causes me pain, my pain does nothing to aid my healing, and one last thing that I read about today:

There are but two directions you can take, while time remains and choice is meaningful. For never will another road be made except the way to Heaven. You but choose whether to go toward Heaven, or away to nowhere. There is nowhere else to choose. (A course in miracles)

I continue to work hard on the forgiveness, faith, and healing stuff. And I have massive challenges thrown in my path that force me to chose which road I want to take. For a long time I wanted to take the road to God, but was so fearful, angry, and lost that I would fall off the path. But, it’s true – there are only two choices – either I chose to continue to heal and learn to forgive, or I don’t.

So, I’m going to walk ahead in faith.

This is how I walked towards Heaven today:

I thanked God for my mom who without a word stepped up, stepped in, and helped me

I read

I prayed

I meditated

I talked with girlfriends in my tribe

I hung with Drishti

I thanked God we are here and safe

I ate Dad’s ice cream

Dad used to make us his favourite dessert when he was alive – it’s one of my yummy childhood memories. I’m stuck between Dad’s ice cream and Grandma’s cinnamon toast for happy comfort food memories. Dad would take vanilla ice cream, put on real maple syrup, and then add some salted peanuts – fancy right? But, like the cinnamon toast the magic was in the simplicity and the love that was behind the treat.

And I sat with the feelings of insecurity and fear I am experiencing. Then I looked around. We are all safe, we are home, my daughter is playing with her cousin, my son is running around in his Chewbacca onesie laughing, I have them, I have my family and friends, I have Drishti, and I have developed this entirely different relationship with God.  All of that is happiness. Real happiness that comes from within, that comes from the Divine.

And it’s springtime in Alberta which reminds me that there are possibilities of new beginnings, new ways of doing things, and that miracles happen all around us.

This is one of my Dad’s photos from the year before he died of our “springtime flower”.

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happiness

Just be happy now

Just be happy now

Out of this will come the miracles you seek (The Key by Joe Vitale)

Once I realized hope was missing from my life, I’ve been focusing on bringing it back to the centre of my being. If I don’t have hope what is the point? I don’t mean that my life was hopeless and that I was deep in dark despair or the world was ending. I mean I had forgotten to keep hoping for better things, that the rainbow is coming, that I can dance in the storm –  I forgot to be happy now.

My life has been a series of miracles over the past two years. Sometimes in the day to day stuff that stresses me out I forget just how much God has provided for me. Slowly but surely I am getting everything I ever wanted and just because there are some blips along the way does not mean that if I keep hope, if I stay happy, if I am clear about what I want,  that these miracles won’t continue.

I spent a big part of the day today in quiet meditation, clearing my heart and mind and focusing on what I want. I said to my friend while we were standing on the beach the other day that maybe I need to make a list of exactly what I want in life so I am clear about where I want to be going – so that’s what I did. Amazingly, I already have a lot of the things I want, which gives me faith that the other things are possible as well.

I realized that even with daily stress stuff, divorce stress stuff, kid stress stuff, I can just be happy now. Because if not now – when?

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Buddha’s birthday

The boy and I went to a service today that celebrated the Buddha’s birthday (while all the other Christians were at Palm Sunday), so I can now add that to the list of interesting things I’ve done. And it was quite interesting, and enjoyable, and very peaceful. I like the quiet meditation and the sensei is really very funny. The kids brought a (chocolate, this was very important, the buddha likes chocolate apparently) cake in and as they walked we sang happy birthday. When we were done one of the smaller kids asked the sensei how old Buddha was. He answered: how old is Buddha? Buddha is one – because Buddha is one with everything. Hahahah – truth.

Afterwards they had a celebratory lunch which we were invited to, so we had this amazing (free) meal and got the chance to meet some pretty interesting people. It was fun to be part of their celebration and it was a happiness moment I got to share with my boy who seems to find a lot of peace in this.

I had a moment of personal happiness later in the day after having conversations with two different friends. I chatted with them about somethings that have been weighing heavily on my mind and in my heart and came away feeling so much better – not only about the issues, but about the fact that I have such supportive, loving friends. This tribe I have is amazing and I am grateful for them always. That is life happiness.

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Lost in the parking lot 

This evening the girl and I channeled my dad as we got lost in the Walmart parking lot. He was famous for forgetting where his car was and I’m sure he would have found it hilarious watching us wander around. I was saying to her as we left the store how I wasn’t really enjoying adulting as much as I had thought I would and that what I really needed was someone to kind of manage me. No sooner had I got those words out than we realized we didn’t know where the car was and we had to stop and search the lot (it was on the far side). I didn’t realize that some poor man had been following us and listening to this entire conversation, but he certainly got some good laughs at our expense and said as he walked by yeah, this parking lot can be confusing for sure and snorted and laughed as he walked away. That was silly happiness.

I had healing happiness today in the form of some energy work that did some deep spiritual shifting and healing. It’s all coming together, maybe not as fast or as ordered as I’d like it, but it is coming together. That is gratitude and happiness.

More happiness came watching my girl practice her softball. It certainly is her sport and it’s really cool to see her be so confident and own what she is doing. Then we came home to this view… and… well… this is what happiness looks like…

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Keeping focus on my Drishti

Sometimes it feels like this divorce will never end. Honestly, it is so frustrating to fight over and over about support that has already been decided on but that does not get paid. And we both end up spending so much money on lawyers to end up at the same place.

It’s why it’s so important for me to keep my focus on what’s important – to find my Drishti and tune in to that.

What is a Drishti?

A few years ago I first heard the term in an online yoga class I was taking. It refers to a point of focus – the idea being that where our gaze is directed our attention naturally follows. When you can focus in on a single object the chaos and distractions of the outside world disappear and you are able to let go of the anxiety and stress and can calm and focus your mind.

I would stand in tree pose and look out the window of our living room at the trees growing in the yard and focus on a branch. I would put in my mind the feeling I had when I was riding and let my love for my horses sit on that branch and become my Drishti.

So when I met this beautiful bay gelding who was named Stars, I knew that he was my Drishti and so Drishti he became.

Tonight I trudged out in the snow (snow!!!) to feed and visit him and spent a few minutes in gratitude for the fact that my drishti, my focus, the thing that I put my attention  on to close out the chaos and stress of the outside world, materialized into this loving, amazing Drishti who is becoming such an important part of my life and of my healing.

This is happiness. It is also proof that that you attract that which you put your attention on. So in all this painful ugliness that keeps getting stirred up in my divorce, I can now walk outside and see my real life Drishti and know that everything is going to be ok.

He is kinda cheeky sticking that tongue out 

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Trusting myself 

I think what was much, much harder than when I lost trust and faith in Mr. X was when I lost trust and faith in myself. No matter what your relationship with someone, at some point they’re going to let you down or break your trust (granted some people excel at this a little bit more than others), but losing faith and trust in myself was devastating and is taking a long time to recover from.

It’s happening, I’m learning to trust again,  and I don’t second guess every single thing I do like I used to. I am learning to listen to my intuition again, I am understanding that even so I will make mistakes and that does not make me untrustworthy – just human. But it’s still a process and I’m still filled with more doubt than I want to be.

Horses and riding for me was always a very intuitive thing. More than I ever learned from any person (and I’ve had some great trainers and teachers who have shown me a lot), I’ve learned how to be with horses by trusting my intuition. I’ve always had one horse at a time and we have built a strong and unbreakable bond based on trust and love.

Then suddenly I didn’t have a horse anymore which really sucked as I went into my dark night of the soul years.

I was out with Drishti yesterday and a friend came over to see him. The yard was busy and he was being kind of a butt – not wanting to stand, just being uncomfortable and not listening. Instead of doing what I knew came naturally to me I also turned into an uncomfortable butt which made for a bad combination. My friend grabbed Drishti, sent him out on the lunge line to walk and said just trust your intuition -you know how to do all this, just let go and do it.

She was right and it was exactly what I needed to hear. Just let go of all the doubting voices that are telling me I’m doing things wrong and trust what my heart tells me to do.

So, this morning I went out when it was quiet and I rode and rode. And we bonded and I listened to my intuition, I listened to him, I connected. That’s what riding is for me – it is my Drishti – it lets all the noise of the outside world fade away so I can connect to God.

I have said it many times over the years that the yoga, the meditation, everything I have learned about how to find God, how to relax, how to release the anxiety – it was all things I just had when I was connecting with a horse.

And that is my happiness moment – my quiet circles this morning with my Drishti.

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Quiet moments 

We spent the evening stabilizing our family. It’s not perfect, but we balance each other well. It brings us back into harmony with our true selves. 

I feel so insecure with all I’ve learned from Ayurveda. But when things like this happen and I realize all our coping skills come from what I’ve learned I am reminded of how it has saved my life. The meditation, grounding foods, self care – all of it comes from my studies. It was a huge gift that was sent to me at exactly the right time. I am so grateful for that. 

The evening was spent with young people in and out of the house. Laughter, popcorn, snow, spaghetti and meatballs,tv, and love. All so simple. That’s what I’ve really discovered over the last couple of years – the more simple we make our lives the richer they are. We are less stressed, we live in the moment more, we enjoy nature. Thoreau was right. Simplify, simplify, simplify. 

My happiness moment was feeling the peace and the love in our home. We have worked hard to create a safe environment here and it truly is where we come to heal. 

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Sharing meditation

Both the boy and I have had some pretty intense bouts with anxiety. I decided a few years ago that I was willing to do anything I needed to in order to stop the constant panic attacks I was having (ironically that has lead to my living a completely different and happier life now than the one I was trapped in back then, funny how that works). I have had to learn many different coping skills, as has my boy.

One of the greatest things we both do is meditate. I hate it – I love it. Sometimes it is so very difficult to force myself to sit quietly with myself, with my Source for 20 minutes and just be. But after I do it I always feel so much better. And the more consistently I do it, the more it pays off in my every day life.

The boy texted me today that he was having some anxiety triggers come up. Before I could suggest anything he told me he was heading off to meditate. When he was done he not only told me how much better, calmer, more grounded he felt – but he sent me the link of the meditation he did on YouTube and told me that I needed to do it as well. I can’t believe that my 15 year old boy sends me meditation links. I love that. All of the work we have done to learn how to make ourselves feel secure and grounded is paying off. He knows how to identify the feelings of anxiety and is learning how to calm them.

I have been feeling a little anxious the last few days as well, and I have been doing much the same thing  – meditating, calming, grounding, laughing with friends.  It is a world away from the helpless feelings of panic and fear that I felt years ago. I still get fearful, I still want to panic, but I have this deep sense that I am doing exactly the right thing, I am doing what I need to do, following my dharma.

That is happiness.

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Because he’s a good person

I had the nicest compliment paid to me about my boy today. I took Jenna to see my friend T who styles our hair and she had buzzed Jacob yesterday while I was off doing other things with the girl. 

T told me that she’d tried to grab Jacob to give him a hug yesterday as he was leaving because she had so enjoyed their conversation and wanted to wish him a merry Christmas she said that she had been amazed – the first thing he did when he sat in her chair was ask her how she and her boyfriend were doing. T  was amazed at how he had remembered things about her life and seemed so genuinely interested  in how she was doing. 

We agreed that while that quality was rare in anyone these days, it was even more rare in a 15 year old boy. He has always been a sensitive soul, but I’m sure that all the crap he’s been through in the past few years had made him even more aware of the feelings of others. I was so proud and so happy that he shows his tenderness and compassion so freely to those in his circle. It’s a good soul that kid has and I love that he shines it out to the world. It was beyond a moment of happines and. I will cherish that in my heart for a long time to come. 

I also had an energy session with Asrael today and a she helped me shift around so much. The sessions are always so powerful, but I really feel right now like I’m in a significant transformational period in my life. I’m grateful because suddenly I’ve had a succession of healers line up to help me as I’m learning how to get through this phase. It’s one that I believe will bring so much healing and personal power, but it’s sure unknown territory. The gift of Asrael in my life and the healing she assists me with brings me deep gratitude and happiness. 

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Embrace your light

I was reminded this morning that I have forgotten how to breathe. Not in the OMG I’m not going to suffocate and die at this moment way, but that somehow I’ve forgotten how to breathe into my peace and bliss. Sometimes I get so caught up in life, running around trying to put out fires, that I forget that one of the best things I can do for myself is to just stop and breathe. Slowly, deeply, inhaling that healing breath. It never ceases to amaze me what an immediate difference that makes to my nervous system.

I was doing the first of the new series of Healing Light Yoga Therapy classes lead by my friend and mentor Asrael. I have done every series she has offered so far and it has been such an important part of my healing journey.

It surprised me (although it shouldn’t have) all the emotions that were brought up for me in that class. This journey I’ve been on has been about embracing happiness, but there’s many more emotions attached to it as well. Part of finding happiness for me has meant that I also have been able to acknowledge that other emotions flow through me – anger, sadness, grief, anxiety – and that they all need to be honoured. I never really knew what to do with those feelings so I would just stuff them deep down where they would fester and damage me. Now, I can allow them into my life and still know that I’m a happiness seeker because… well… those other emotions are part of life too.

Today’s special visitors were sadness and grief. Those are ones that I’ve worked very hard at pushing away. The past few years have had so much loss in them. On top of losing my dad, I’ve had to give up the dream I wanted for my family. There’s a lot of good that is coming from that, but it still carries so much pain and sorrow that my kids won’t have the family I dreamed for them and neither will I. I’ve already grieved losing that person, but the sadness from giving up that dream still sneaks up on me. This type of yoga helps all of those emotions move out of my body. It’s tiring, but so healing.

I seem to keep coming back to discovering the gifts that God has given me and figuring out what I am supposed to do with them. Understanding that I need to listen very carefully to my heart and my intuition is going to guide me along the path of this part of my life. That is being told to me very clearly in everything I do lately.

It was a beautiful, sad, blissful, grieving, peaceful happiness moment as I worked at embracing my light this morning in my yoga class. We all have this light we need to shine into the world. I feel like I’m finally finding mine.

 

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