Working together 

Today was dedicated to remembering the importance of my tribe, of keeping connected to a group of people in my life, to working together.

I had an old friend come out this morning and give me some help with Drishti. Both he and I needed a crash course in the importance of ground manners, and I needed to be reminded that I am the boss and he needs to respect that. She spent a lot of time with him reminding me of what I needed to be doing to make sure I have a decent horse to bond with. My relationship with him is important and it’s vital that we have clear boundaries and that he understands the rules. For me it was remembering that I need to jump in without fear and with love.

The afternoon was spent on some work things which also involves building relationships and having faith in myself. This evening I went for supper with a dear friend and we talked about everything you could possibly imagine – the poor server at the restaurant. Then we went to Women Empowering Women in Cochrane for a very powerful and emotional evening. Mental health was the topic, and there were lots of messages and emotions that came out of the evening for me – but the thing that stuck with me the most was how important it is to be vulnerable. If someone is brave enough to share their story it opens the door for others to share theirs as well – also for people to ask for help. People opened up tonight in ways that brought me to tears. We have had our own share of difficulties in our home, but everyone certainly has their own struggles and pain. Some of the stories are heartbreaking.

But the important thing is that we were all there sharing, being vulnerable, learning, not judging. It was magic and powerful.

We all depend on each other and when we can open up enough to let someone in – that is happiness.


Life hits you out of nowhere 

Yesterday I was brought back to the words of my acupuncturist: that even when you are focused on and connected to the Divine, life can hit you out of nowhere and throw you off balance. 

That was pretty much yesterday in a nutshell. One second I was thinking how great it was that I kinda had my crap together and things were under control and literally the next second full on, meltdown crisis in the parking lot. And it’s so much harder to deal with when the pain belongs to someone I love, but I can’t fix it. I know the cause of it, but not the cure. It breaks me. Maybe I need to be broken. I don’t know. 

A couple of weeks ago my aunt emailed me a psalm reading because I was complaining that God wasn’t shining His flashlight brightly enough on my path. 

Psalm 119:105

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.

It wasn’t really the answer I wanted (I wanted to know what was ahead on the path), but the words have been sitting in my heart ever since. 

Today I was doing some studies, trying to rebalance myself again, and came across something similar. A reminder that it’s a process, that endurance is needed and that the light is always there. 

So, I got a little angry with God and went out and had my usual field temper tantrum asking why if the light was there it couldn’t be bright enough so I can see down the path and know that everything will be ok. 

This is a lesson in faith, learning to surrender control. I don’t like it. I like the illusion I have control enough to keep us safe and looked after.  I totally don’t. 

I realized that maybe the light is only being shone brightly where I’m standing because I need to pay attention to what is happening now, not looking ahead down the path. 

I also don’t like this. But I think it’s important. There are things happening that need my attention right now. And in this moment where the light shines we are safe. That should be enough. Should.  It’s what I’m gong to focus on anyway – I’m letting g of all the other distractions and looking at what is important. 

And for the moments when it’s not enough, I have Drishti. He forces me to have faith and trust when I’m scared, he makes me learn when to hold on and let go, he reminds me how to be in the moment. He’s  helping fix my soul. 

Tootling around the field with him, that is happiness. 


Buddha’s birthday

The boy and I went to a service today that celebrated the Buddha’s birthday (while all the other Christians were at Palm Sunday), so I can now add that to the list of interesting things I’ve done. And it was quite interesting, and enjoyable, and very peaceful. I like the quiet meditation and the sensei is really very funny. The kids brought a (chocolate, this was very important, the buddha likes chocolate apparently) cake in and as they walked we sang happy birthday. When we were done one of the smaller kids asked the sensei how old Buddha was. He answered: how old is Buddha? Buddha is one – because Buddha is one with everything. Hahahah – truth.

Afterwards they had a celebratory lunch which we were invited to, so we had this amazing (free) meal and got the chance to meet some pretty interesting people. It was fun to be part of their celebration and it was a happiness moment I got to share with my boy who seems to find a lot of peace in this.

I had a moment of personal happiness later in the day after having conversations with two different friends. I chatted with them about somethings that have been weighing heavily on my mind and in my heart and came away feeling so much better – not only about the issues, but about the fact that I have such supportive, loving friends. This tribe I have is amazing and I am grateful for them always. That is life happiness.


Our refuge

As you may know, we have been really struggling this week. I have felt like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders as I have tried to provide a safe place to fall for my boy while he’s in crisis, and the girl too who is pained as she watches her brother suffer. It’s been overwhelming and I have really struggled knowing what is the right thing to do. I have also been incredibly angry- angry at how things have turned out, angry at the person who caused this trauma, angry at this whole situation. Anger isn’t going to get me anywhere, I am well aware of that, but it’s been my companion this week nevertheless.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty lost. I just wanted to lie in bed and cry – tempting but not an option. I said a little prayer (ok, I yelled at God a little bit) and asked what I was supposed to be doing? What do I need to get us through this?

We got our lazy butts to church – a little late – but we got there. The sermon was about how God is our refuge.

God is our refuge and strength a very present help in trouble

Of course.

You know, there has been a lot of crap go down in our lives over the past few years. Every time I have tried to *do* something it’s either made it worse or nothing has happened at all. But, when I have stopped everything – and I mean everything –  and prayed, miracles have happened. We have had small miracles and some really freaking big miracles happen to us over the past few years.

I kind of forgot I had this place of refuge and strength.

I have kept coming back to the words of the therapist last week – that healing can’t happen when we don’t feel safe. And as long as Mr. X has any say in things he will do whatever he can to make sure we don’t feel safe and can’t heal. And I have been running around trying to put out the fires he sets while draining myself of everything I have in an attempt to make us feel safe. But, the only time that burden has ever been lifted, and when we actually do feel safe, is when I have handed it all over to God.

He is our place of refuge and strength.

Sitting in church with the two people I love most in the world while we were reminded that we already had the keys to our place of refuge and strength – that is happiness on such a deep level. We will keep healing, we just need to remember that we have this place of refuge that is with us no matter where we go.


Grounded in love

We are in crisis, there is no other way to put it. Full out, white knuckle, crisis. We have been in crisis for years where our security and safety was an issue, then the upset of my dad dying, the divorce and all the ache that has brought, and then we circled right back to the safety and security issue, to the crisis and the well being of a child. 

You need to feel safe in order to be able to heal. Because the issue of safety is treated like a game, healing continues to be almost impossible. We have made lots of steps ahead, but things like what happened to my boy last weekend come along and it’s enough to flatten him. Whether the threat is real or not, his fear is. This is the aftermath of living with a narcissist who rages and destroys safety. Crisis. And I can’t just wave a wand and fix it. 

This is a happiness blog, and this blog has pulled me through some real shit and it will continue to. Happiness isn’t always laughter and Disney animals. Sometimes it is remembering to look for the rainbow in the storm. 

We are at the gym, the girl and I were on the treadmills and the boy is playing basketball with friends. It’s happiness. It’s happiness because we are home, we are rooted, we have a community, we have support. We are grounded in faith, we are grounded in love. That gives hope, and happiness can come from hope. 

So those of you who read this, please pray  or send healing light for my little family. We need some extra support right now. Thank you ❤