happiness

Freedom – the release from fear

Behind every weak-ass man stands a broken woman. Today I am stepping out of that broken shadow and claiming my freedom.

I spent part of the morning talking with my lawyer. Mr. X isn’t paying, isn’t going to pay, and the state of Virginia could take a few months to force him to pay the court ordered support I fought so hard to get. If you know this man and he has told you any differently, I would be more than happy to show proof that although he did tell me he was sending payment he has not since March, and until he is forced to he will not. He won’t pay Alberta, he won’t pay Virginia, and he won’t pay me.

This is what scorched earth divorce looks like. In the process of attempting to destroy me, he is leaving his children destitute. This is how a narcissist rolls.

I sat with this information for a while this morning. I prayed, I cried, I lay down and did some energy work, and I read. Here is what I realized:

Over and over in my journals I talk about how as long as we are financially dependent on him he uses that power to keep us his victims. This is why the healing process is so long and painful, because the wounds get ripped open again as soon as they start to close up. We, and in particular my son, keep hoping and wanting him to be someone he clearly is not. He has shown us exactly who he is and it’s time to believe him. The fact is that although he has left us without any financial support at all, we are finally free from him. The kids don’t want to see or have contact with him (and haven’t for a long time), I have blocked contact and anything that needs to be discussed must go through the lawyers, and now I don’t expect him to fulfill his financial obligations. I am free from wanting anything from him. I have no more expectations, he no longer has the power to hurt me -besides following through on threats to hurt us, he has done his worst – there’s nothing left to scare me with. I have been afraid of this man for so long, afraid of his rage and his anger. I let him lie about me, cheat on me, and steal from me. There’s nothing left.

I looked around at my life and where we are living. We are in a house that has held generations of my family. It is filled with love and peace, the feeling in this house is so safe and welcoming. We couldn’t be in a better place to heal. I look outside and I see the barn, I see my horse – my spirit horse that I prayed so hard for and who is helping me heal so much – and I smile. My mom is here, my family is here, my lifelong friends are here. There is so much love surrounding us it is humbling. I would not be able to keep going if my mom wasn’t here to help me out, she shows me every single day what unconditional love is and I am so incredibly grateful.

I don’t know what the next steps look like on this path, but I know we will be ok. God has kept us safe every step so far and I have faith that He will continue to do so. I had to have a chat with the kids tonight and tell them what was going on. The boy hurts – he said so now we know… he’s never going to change. I give up. And the girl said this is why I walked away years ago. I’ve learned from him to walk away from a bad situation and never look back. Wise words from that little one. They are brave souls and they will work through this like we have worked through everything else.

Days like this are when I am grateful I started this happiness blog – it has taught me that in every moment there can be happiness. I believe that this one is a gift. It may not be happening the way I would have chosen, but we are getting our freedom. Fully and truly.

There’s nothing left, and in this empty space of nothing I’m discovering that it’s filled with love and faith. I’ve read a few times that the absence of love is fear – so I guess the reverse is true too. My greatest fear has been realized and in walking through the fear of being left with nothing I’m discovering a huge space filled with love and faith. It’s God happiness – that’s big stuff.

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happiness

Dad’s ice cream

I have had some significant challenges presented to me courtesy of Mr. X in the last week or so, and have had to spend some time figuring out how to deal with them. It’s essentially been the culmination of my greatest fears, and now I have to decide how I am going to proceed.

I want to scream, hide in fear, cry, and yell about the injustices. But, I have realized a few things: he does not care, he becomes happier knowing he causes me pain, my pain does nothing to aid my healing, and one last thing that I read about today:

There are but two directions you can take, while time remains and choice is meaningful. For never will another road be made except the way to Heaven. You but choose whether to go toward Heaven, or away to nowhere. There is nowhere else to choose. (A course in miracles)

I continue to work hard on the forgiveness, faith, and healing stuff. And I have massive challenges thrown in my path that force me to chose which road I want to take. For a long time I wanted to take the road to God, but was so fearful, angry, and lost that I would fall off the path. But, it’s true – there are only two choices – either I chose to continue to heal and learn to forgive, or I don’t.

So, I’m going to walk ahead in faith.

This is how I walked towards Heaven today:

I thanked God for my mom who without a word stepped up, stepped in, and helped me

I read

I prayed

I meditated

I talked with girlfriends in my tribe

I hung with Drishti

I thanked God we are here and safe

I ate Dad’s ice cream

Dad used to make us his favourite dessert when he was alive – it’s one of my yummy childhood memories. I’m stuck between Dad’s ice cream and Grandma’s cinnamon toast for happy comfort food memories. Dad would take vanilla ice cream, put on real maple syrup, and then add some salted peanuts – fancy right? But, like the cinnamon toast the magic was in the simplicity and the love that was behind the treat.

And I sat with the feelings of insecurity and fear I am experiencing. Then I looked around. We are all safe, we are home, my daughter is playing with her cousin, my son is running around in his Chewbacca onesie laughing, I have them, I have my family and friends, I have Drishti, and I have developed this entirely different relationship with God.  All of that is happiness. Real happiness that comes from within, that comes from the Divine.

And it’s springtime in Alberta which reminds me that there are possibilities of new beginnings, new ways of doing things, and that miracles happen all around us.

This is one of my Dad’s photos from the year before he died of our “springtime flower”.

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happiness

Answered prayers

I have a cousin who has been quite sick the last few months. After many, many treatments and a hospital stay that lasted a few weeks, he sent a text today that his last scan was all clear!!!

This is the kind of news that just goes beyond happiness. I’m happy for him, for his family, for our family, just happy happy happy!

I know there have been people praying for him for months and months and I’m so grateful that the prayers were answered this way and that he gets to look forward to getting stronger and stronger.

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happiness

Trust the journey 

It’s been a weird week. I’ve had these gut feelings come up and make me question myself and choices I’ve made. I’m so hard on myself sometimes. Some of the things going on had me feeling so overwhelmed and like I was making bad decisions all over the place. 

So I slowed everything down and got back to praying and meditating. And weird things started happening. I had people appear suddenly offering friendship, I had questions asked to me about Ayurveda, I had questions answered about whether I’m doing the right thing. 

I had a conversation with someone this morning that I kind of expected to go badly. I was really anxious about it, and wasn’t in a very good headspace to begin with. 

Instead of what I was expecting, I was given a talk about how I needed to honour my journey. This is someone who came into my life when I was completely broken and he’s been one of my teachers as I’ve been on the path of healing. 

He told me he was there to walk the journey with me, that I needed to remember how much I had worked through, and that it was a testament to my strength and character that I was where I was now. In a time of such self doubt, I really needed to hear that right now. I may now meet everyone’s approval, but I can feel in my gut I’m being true to myself. 

Those kind words were more than a happiness moment, they helped me pick myself up and keep walking on my path. 

As a bonus happiness moment I had the girls help me in the garden today. It’s time to get out what we can before everything freezes. They pulled carrots and onions, and dug potatoes. The potatoes hold a special place in our heart because they are ones that my great grandfather brought over from Ireland almost 150 years ago. 

The purple potatoes. I wonder what he wound think of his great – great granddaughter digging them up outside of the house he built all those years ago. Our roots run deep here. 

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Divine Intervention

I was in kind of a pissy mood this morning (shocking because usually I’m such a treat first thing). I had a couple of things happen that had left a bitter taste in my mouth and I was feeling pretty annoyed. I kind of sat with those feelings for part of the morning, trying to figure out what to do. I played out conversations I could have or actions I could take to express my hurt and discontent. Nothing seemed to really feel right and I wasn’t sure what to do about it.

The image of my beloved Pastor from our church in VA kept popping into my mind and I decided it was time to touch base with her. When things were at their worst, when I was totally broken and alone, it was her hand that reached out to help me up. She not only helped me through my situation, but she walked me onto the path that brought me to this awesome relationship with God. She was absolutely divine intervention.

I sent her an email discussing the events in our family over the past few months. Some things I’ve shared here, a lot I have not – I shared it all with her. She is one of those amazing people who will listen to it all and then walk alongside you without judgement. I miss her support and advice more than I had realized, but I feel so grateful that she was there for me in a time when it literally saved my life.

She wrote me back and caught me up on her life and her family. It was wonderful to get that little update and to know that this person who for me radiates the love of God is still fulfilling her dharma.

It was amazing how emailing with her put me into a different place emotionally. All of those discontented feelings that had been running around in my brain seemed to have quieted themselves after that. My heart felt clearer and more at peace. It was a very clear and satisfying happiness moment. She reminds me how important it is to hold out that helping hand whenever it is possible – you never know the difference it could make in someone’s life.

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Uncategorized

Finding the path of least resistance on a challenging road 

My intention this year is to follow the path of least resistance.  Which is a much easier thing to do when I’m flowing happily down a path of my choosing. Sometimes I find ( after the fact) that I’ve veered off my easy flowing path onto a more challenging road. This last little while seems kind of like that. I had a plan. Seriously…. It didn’t look like where I am now. 

I’ve had many conversations with God the past couple of weeks informing Him of my feelings about this path I’m on. About how perhaps He didn’t notice that I’d spent a great deal of time planning and meditating and preparing to walk down this new, easier path of least resistance. Then He threw a bunch of crap at me that wasn’t part of the deal. 

But here’s what I’ve noticed. More than at any other point in my life, every time I’ve needed something a door has opened and I’ve received a helping hand. It happened with packing up the house, again with this lovely lady we met on the plane, we had an entire house set up by my cousin when we got here, a wonderful school accepted the kids when we were out of district and didn’t have any paperwork organized, it goes on and on. Actually tonight I met a lady in the elevator at the hospital who was pulling a roller bag. I commented what a great idea it was and she said she would go out and buy one for me to have. What an offer of kindness. 

So often I feel like I’m invisible in life, but this past bit has made me realize I’m so not. 

Tonight my dad was talking about how he feels like he’s discovered a prayer bank in be clouds and he’s been drawing strength from this unlimited source of love. I feel the same way   Ask, then turn your intention towards giving and receiving love and that’s what you get. Even when it seems like a wrong turn on the path. I guess that’s how I’m following this new path with the least resistance I can muster. Because somewhere there is a plan. There has to be because I’m so clearly being guided and held by love. 

 

My happiness moment today came when I looked out the window at this view while making lunch. Jenna was out playing in the barn that my grandpa built. That I spent hours and hours playing in myself when I was her age. Where I used to bring Pirate in and talk to him for hours while I groomed him. It brought me such joy to see her experience that same peace and happiness   

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