Small changes bring big results

I had the opportunity that allowed me to reflect on what my life would be like now if I hadn’t started making small changes all those years ago. I would be someone I  wouldn’t recognize – in fact even when I look back on that old life I can’t believe that was me.

I think about the day I fell on the floor and prayed for change, it was almost 6 years ago, after the incident at Canadian Thanksgiving. It seemed like change took forever to happen, yet here we are now living a life completely different life. Small changes, big results.

What if I was that person I used to be still? I’d be broken. Totally and completely broken. Living a life I wasn’t made for, pretending to be someone else, lost and sad.

Sometimes I feel like it takes too long for the changes to occur – I get impatient. I’ve been working for this better life for so long. The boy reminded me the other day mom – you yourself said that sometimes God has to wait until you’re totally broken apart so He can put you back together. And that’s true. I’m so damn stubborn, it takes a lot before I’ll accept the help I need. This shoulder thing has been a good lesson for me in learning to accept help and appreciate the kindness of those around me. Today, on week 8 after my fall, a neighbour is still bringing us a weekly meal. Every single Monday she’s shown up with something for us. Talk about an act of kindness.

All those small changes brought Drishti into my life. He was my drishti years before I knew he existed.

If you don’t know how he came to have his name – here’s a recap:

A dristhi is a specific point of focus that is used during meditation or while holding a yoga pose. The reason for the focal point is due to the belief that where our gaze is directed, our attention naturally flows. It is a way of looking for the Divine everywhere, and it allows us to see God in everything. It blocks out the clutter and noise, and keeps our intention set on what is important.  Focus all of your attention on your drishti and all the chaos of the world disappears and you are able to connect with God. 

For me, horses always have been my spiritual vehicle. When things were bad and I was so out of balance, I prayed for and focused my attention (set my drishti) on having a horse to ride again. So, when through a series of miracles this horse came to my life I knew his name was Drishti. He makes the chaos of my world disappear so I can focus on what is important.

If it weren’t for all the small changes, this wouldn’t be my life now. And I love my life now. And that is happiness.




Nightmares and daydreams 

My son had to wake me up twice last night because I was having night terrors. Not just regular old nightmares, but sleep paralysis and night terrors (it was just as lovely to experience as it sounds). The after effects of a rather traumatic experience last week. The boy knew exactly what they were and shrugged and said I got those a lot last summer after I saw my dad,  then went back to bed. So that was lovely to hear, and kept me awake for a good chunk of the night.

But, the nightmares don’t last in the daytime and today I made a special effort to be thankful for the good things in my life. The boy and I went to to the farmer’s market and we have enough cherries, berries, and peaches to get good and sick off of (I have no self control when it comes to cherries), we looked at displays, tried curries, and bought Indian food. It was a success.

In the spirit of continuing to de-clutter I worked on my poor, neglected vegetable garden. I’m hoping that in two more days it will look like a loved place once again.

Then I went out for a ride. If I ever need a reminder that God loves me and that he preforms miracles all I have to do is look at Drishti. He is a miracle in my life and he teaches me to love, to trust, and to not be afraid. He also just lets me be happy.

Plus, I am home, I am safe, and this is the view I get while I’m on my horse. There’s a lot to be thankful for, and that makes me happy.


Meet him where he’s at

As I travel along this happiness journey I am reminded constantly how important it is to be able to go with the flow. In order to find peace, happiness, and love I need to be able to let go of my agenda and go with the flow.

Drishti is a great teacher of this lesson. I often go out to the field with an idea of how I want our ride to go. Drishti always has his own ideas. In order for me to have any enjoyment I need to let go of the strict lines I wanted to follow and meet him where he’s at.

I find this a difficult thing to do in all aspects of my life – meet people where they’re at. I really would prefer that they meet me where I’m at. But, while I feel that it’s important not to be a total pushover – when I am able to meet people where they’re at (or Drishti) things go much better. Just let go, let be, and enjoy what the moment presents.

Things never really work out how I plan them anyway, and when I let go and just let the natural flow take over they almost always turn out so much better.

I had to spend some time in the corral this morning relearning this lesson with my dear horse. Finally I got it and let go of the ride I wanted to have and had the ride I was supposed to have. And it was happiness.


Fearful living, hopeful living

I have a confession to make – riding Drishi scares the crap out of me. Not because of him – he is awesome – but because of me. When I get on him I realize how my first reaction to a situation is fear. I’m scared he’ll take off, I’m scared he’ll buck me off, I’m scared I’ll just fall off, I’m scared he’ll trip and we  will crash… basically I’m scared of getting hurt. Just like in the rest of my life – I’m scared of getting hurt.

Drishti is awesome, he is exactly what I prayed for even though I didn’t know all the details when I was doing the praying. I prayed for heaven to give me a big, beautiful horse who was still green enough I could put some schooling time on – one that I could ride out in the fields here but could also teach some things to. He is green and certainly could do with some schooling lessons… but make no mistake, the one doing the teaching here is Drishti.

I am learning so much from him.

A few years ago when I was in the pits of my dark night of the soul, my anxiety was so bad that I could barely function. Just doing the bare minimum to get through the day took all the bravery and strength I had and I think it’s important for me to remember that as I think of how I’m learning to face fears while riding. I have already experienced all the big things I was afraid could happen in my life in the last couple of years, so I find it interesting that these smaller fears can be so powerful. But life happens in the small moments and I want to make sure mine are filled with hope and peace instead of fear.

I was riding today and poor Drishti was upset. His friends are gone for the day and he was feeling quite sorry for himself being all alone. I also haven’t ridden him in a week and what he really wanted to do was go for a big long gallop across the field (not happening). I rode him around the field and really paid attention to how he was. He was looking at everything – cows over there, dogs underfoot, tractor over here… lots to look at. But he just kept walking along – he’s pretty much the same all the time. Me on the other hand was more like will he spook at the tractor? what if when he puts his head down to rub his leg he then grabs the bit and takes off?  (thanks to some awesome childhood ponies this fear is real) What if he bolts back to the barn? Meanwhile Drishti is still walking along looking at the world.


It got me thinking about trust. The two of us are working on building an extremely close relationship that has to be built on trust. Does he trust me? I think so. Do I trust him? Apparently not so much. Have I ever done anything to betray his trust? Not really, but I hold onto his mouth a lot more than I should afraid he’ll bolt which shows a lack of trust. Has he ever done anything to betray mine? Besides that one time when he took off with a couple of  happy bucks? No. And I totally got the happy bucks – he’s a horse, he was having fun, it was a beautiful spring day.

The trust issue is mine.

What I love about this horse – aside from the fact that he’s an amazing gift from heaven, that my soul is complete now that I have a horse again, and that he’s so incredibly cute – is that he’s teaching me how to trust completely and to let go of my fear. Learning how to reprogram how I approach my life and relationships – this is happiness. I love this guy.

I’ve been redefining happiness over the last few days with the understanding that I am now at the place that I need to be searching for ways to have happiness part of my life all the time and  for no reason at all – just to have happiness be my way of living in every moment. I started this blog needing to find one happy moment in every day to give myself hope that I could have more happy moments. I think I’m ready for more – more hope, more happiness, more love.


Off balance 

A few weeks ago I had this amazing acupuncture treatment. I don’t know how to explain what he does, but it does weird and powerful things to my energy. 

I was telling him about the issue I was having staying connnected to God and a message I had received from Him that I was having a hard time figuring out (of course I wasn’t having a hard time figuring it out, I just wasn’t a fan of the message and wanted it to be something easier). 

He had me out my arm out and use all my force to stop him from pushing it down. I am weak apparently and it didn’t take much for him to break my hold. Then he told me to pick a spot to focus on (my drishti  before Drishti) and connect myself to my Source and hold my arm. He couldn’t move it no matter what he did. 

He said this is how strong you are when you are connected to God. Why would you go through life any other way? 

And then he grabbed my waist and pushed me sideways towards  the couch and said of course, when you’re totally focused and in balance, life has a way of coming at you ahd throwing you off balance where  you least expect it


Today I was a it riding Drishti and was all proud of myself. I had finally found a good balance of holding on and letting go. I was trusting him to run and have his head a little more and feeling so happy that I could literally let go of the reins and enjoy the ride. 

And of course he took that opportunity to stick his head between his legs and take off bucking. He was just having fun and I was able to stop him before I hit the ground. But a reminder that the balance of holding on and letting go is constant. And that even when I think I’ve got it all figured out the unexpected will happen. 

A good lesson to hold as we walk this path that has so much uncertainty. I know it’s being lit up as I need it to be, but I still want a stronger flashlight. 

There is a soul freedom I get on that horse I can’t get doing anything else. I connect myself to God and just am. It’s happiness. He’s awesome. 


Keeping focus on my Drishti

Sometimes it feels like this divorce will never end. Honestly, it is so frustrating to fight over and over about support that has already been decided on but that does not get paid. And we both end up spending so much money on lawyers to end up at the same place.

It’s why it’s so important for me to keep my focus on what’s important – to find my Drishti and tune in to that.

What is a Drishti?

A few years ago I first heard the term in an online yoga class I was taking. It refers to a point of focus – the idea being that where our gaze is directed our attention naturally follows. When you can focus in on a single object the chaos and distractions of the outside world disappear and you are able to let go of the anxiety and stress and can calm and focus your mind.

I would stand in tree pose and look out the window of our living room at the trees growing in the yard and focus on a branch. I would put in my mind the feeling I had when I was riding and let my love for my horses sit on that branch and become my Drishti.

So when I met this beautiful bay gelding who was named Stars, I knew that he was my Drishti and so Drishti he became.

Tonight I trudged out in the snow (snow!!!) to feed and visit him and spent a few minutes in gratitude for the fact that my drishti, my focus, the thing that I put my attention  on to close out the chaos and stress of the outside world, materialized into this loving, amazing Drishti who is becoming such an important part of my life and of my healing.

This is happiness. It is also proof that that you attract that which you put your attention on. So in all this painful ugliness that keeps getting stirred up in my divorce, I can now walk outside and see my real life Drishti and know that everything is going to be ok.

He is kinda cheeky sticking that tongue out 


He kissed me 

I went out to ride Drishti this afternoon only to discover him full of kicks and snorts because of the wind. Having no real desire to die this afternoon I decided to just play with him instead – I groomed him and lunged him and then just hung out with him while he ate. 

This  stuff is just as important as riding – it builds our bond and lets us get to know each other better. 

Interestingly enough it’s also building a bond between Drishti and Dottie 

Tonight I went out to check him and put his blanket on (because it’s supposed to snow tomorrow ugh) and when I was done he put his head in my face and face me a big slobbery kiss. 

He kissed me 

I’ve kissed his face lots but this was the first time he kissed me back. 

Oh I love this guy – this is happiness. 

Bonus happiness was the boy was there and saw it and was completely grossed out I let a horse slobber on my face. 


Trusting myself 

I think what was much, much harder than when I lost trust and faith in Mr. X was when I lost trust and faith in myself. No matter what your relationship with someone, at some point they’re going to let you down or break your trust (granted some people excel at this a little bit more than others), but losing faith and trust in myself was devastating and is taking a long time to recover from.

It’s happening, I’m learning to trust again,  and I don’t second guess every single thing I do like I used to. I am learning to listen to my intuition again, I am understanding that even so I will make mistakes and that does not make me untrustworthy – just human. But it’s still a process and I’m still filled with more doubt than I want to be.

Horses and riding for me was always a very intuitive thing. More than I ever learned from any person (and I’ve had some great trainers and teachers who have shown me a lot), I’ve learned how to be with horses by trusting my intuition. I’ve always had one horse at a time and we have built a strong and unbreakable bond based on trust and love.

Then suddenly I didn’t have a horse anymore which really sucked as I went into my dark night of the soul years.

I was out with Drishti yesterday and a friend came over to see him. The yard was busy and he was being kind of a butt – not wanting to stand, just being uncomfortable and not listening. Instead of doing what I knew came naturally to me I also turned into an uncomfortable butt which made for a bad combination. My friend grabbed Drishti, sent him out on the lunge line to walk and said just trust your intuition -you know how to do all this, just let go and do it.

She was right and it was exactly what I needed to hear. Just let go of all the doubting voices that are telling me I’m doing things wrong and trust what my heart tells me to do.

So, this morning I went out when it was quiet and I rode and rode. And we bonded and I listened to my intuition, I listened to him, I connected. That’s what riding is for me – it is my Drishti – it lets all the noise of the outside world fade away so I can connect to God.

I have said it many times over the years that the yoga, the meditation, everything I have learned about how to find God, how to relax, how to release the anxiety – it was all things I just had when I was connecting with a horse.

And that is my happiness moment – my quiet circles this morning with my Drishti.


This is Drishti

Sometimes gifts really do come from heaven.

This is Drishti. I have prayed for him to come into my life for years. In the dark times, and even in some of the bright ones, I wasn’t sure how it was ever going to be possible for me to have a horse back in my life again. But, I kept praying and praying.

And then literally this gift from heaven came to me in the form of Drishti. Those of you who know me know what a big deal it is to have a horse in my life again. Having that bond and friendship with a horse is what makes my soul whole, it is the easiest way for me to find God, it completes me.

This week I have closed off one major chapter in my life in the form of divorce papers being finalized, and I have reopened one that makes my soul overflow with joy.

Watching my daughter hug on him brought back all the best memories of my childhood. I have spent hours in these corrals and in this barn playing with horses, and here we are again doing the same thing. And he’s such a love!

I am so happy I am unable to even express how I feel. It’s surreal. Two years ago yesterday we landed back home and have been so slowly rebuilding our lives. Drishti reminds me of who I am, who I was. He is my focus, my intention, literally my drishti.

If I had to paint a picture of happiness it would look exactly like this. This is what happiness to the core of my being looks like. This is what moves my soul.


The life changers

I realized today that two years ago the kids and I had just said goodbye to our life in Virginia and were on our way home to live… back where we belong. We ended up having to spend the night in Seattle due to some weather issues, but we were on our way home. So much has happened in our family in that time: pain, sorrow, joy, faith, laughter, family. It has been a season of great change. I am starting to feel like the person I was before, and I think the kids are starting to figure out who they are now.

At the very least, we are safe in this life.

At the very most (is that a thing? It should be a thing) we are making bonds with family, planting roots where we already had some growing, making new friends and deepening connections with old ones, healing, growing, learning to fly, settling into a new normal of life.

Today was a good day. A couple of HUGE happiness things happened for me today which I will share down the line. But, let’s just say…. I found my Drishti… I have kept that steady, focused gaze for years… I have had faith… it has coloured how I see the world… I have found my Drishti.

I also, out of complete frustration after a crappy day yesterday, sat down with my Streams In The Desert devotional book and read today’s entry. Honestly I only read it because I was kind of frustrated and pissed with God because it felt like he wasn’t really listening to me. Basically what I got was to calm myself and chill for a bit, that He works in His own time.

Today we may be unable to see the final outcome of the beautiful plan that God has hidden in the shadow of his hand. It may be concealed for a very long time, but our faith may rest in the assurance that God is still seated on His throne. Because of this assurance, we can calmly await the time when, in heavenly delight we will say “all things have worked together for good.”

We should be more careful to focus on learning all of the lessons in the school of sorrow than to focus anxious eyes towards the time of our deliverance. There is a reason behind every lesson, and when we are ready, our deliverance will certainly come. Then we will know we could never have served in our place of higher service without having been taught the very things we learned during our ordeal. God is in the process of educating us for the future service and greater blessings….. 

Don’t steal tomorrow from God’s hands. Give him time to speak to you and reveal His will. He is never late. Learn to wait.

Got it.

And of course today was a day of things falling into place and happiness falling into my heart… my Drishti, my focus, is clear and it’s mine and that is happiness.