Meet him where he’s at

As I travel along this happiness journey I am reminded constantly how important it is to be able to go with the flow. In order to find peace, happiness, and love I need to be able to let go of my agenda and go with the flow.

Drishti is a great teacher of this lesson. I often go out to the field with an idea of how I want our ride to go. Drishti always has his own ideas. In order for me to have any enjoyment I need to let go of the strict lines I wanted to follow and meet him where he’s at.

I find this a difficult thing to do in all aspects of my life – meet people where they’re at. I really would prefer that they meet me where I’m at. But, while I feel that it’s important not to be a total pushover – when I am able to meet people where they’re at (or Drishti) things go much better. Just let go, let be, and enjoy what the moment presents.

Things never really work out how I plan them anyway, and when I let go and just let the natural flow take over they almost always turn out so much better.

I had to spend some time in the corral this morning relearning this lesson with my dear horse. Finally I got it and let go of the ride I wanted to have and had the ride I was supposed to have. And it was happiness.


Let it be

I made a decision today to change how I’m doing things. 

I’ve been working hard (with varying success) on letting go, but I read an article that convinced me that John Lennon had it right and instead I should let it be

Often when I’m letting go I’m trying to push things out, to make them not there. Instead I think I need to let them be. Honor the fact that they are there, that things have happened that have shaped me into who I am – good and bad – and let them be. Not change it, not dwell in it, not push it away or deny it. Just acknowledge it and let it be. 

I’m changing the rules of the game so that they work better for my new life. Happiness. Pure and raw. 


Pressure points

I spent some time today with my massage therapist. He’s working on releasing old and painful pressure points in my neck and hips. 

It’s so interesting to be able to share with him some of the energetic healing that is starting to happen in my body. It’s the result of a lot of work and a great support system coming together to help me out. The more at peace I become, the easier and more important it is that I let all that old crap go. 

The more I find I truly want to move ahead into love and peace the easier it becomes to understand how vital it is that all those old pains and hurts are pit to rest. 

My happiness moment today was laughing at supper as he and Jacob fought over the shredded cheese. It was a simple moment, which often are the best for pure happiness. It is good to embrace the joy in every day moments. 


Where I belong 

Sometimes things happen that help put all the little life struggles into perspective. I had a scary as crap incident happen this afternoon. It was by far the most terrified I’ve been in years, that threat to my personal safety. However I am so thankful to the Cochrane RCMP for the work they do to keep us safe. I’m also impressed and wowed by the strength and bravery of a girlfriend in my tribe. Some of us need to use so much courage with every step. She amazes me. (I’m not expanding on this because it’s not my story to tell). 

Before that happened though….. we spent the afternoon at the Cochrane Horse Trials. Us two horse loving girls who grew up in the trenches of old school Pony Club. We oohed at the ponies, swapped stories of new and old adventures, and basically enjoyed each other’s company. A happiness moment can always be found with horses and horsey friends. 

I read something this morning that explained so much of the trouble I was experiencing as I was trying to rebalance myself the last week or so. I couldn’t figure out why I was so badly out of my zone, and when I started to feel why, I didn’t want it to be the reason so I tried to make it not be –  but this is it:

It’s so difficult to have found myself in a place where I fit, but where I didn’t belong. This is actually something I’ve felt a few times before and couldn’t figure out how to explain it. This sits with me perfectly. And I know exactly where I belong, it makes me wonder why I was trying to fit anywhere else. 


Alone time 

I’ve taken the kids to the wind up party for their VBS and I’m hiding out in the parking lot in the shade of a tree. I came here with the intention of going and mingling with the other parents, but when I arrived I realized how tired I am. Instead I decided to steal an hour of quiet time to myself. 

I feel like the last few months have been busy putting out fires. I’ve tried to make time to stop and regroup and embrace the quiet time I need to do that, but it hasn’t always been possible. As a result I’m feeling tired and overwhelmed. The good thing is I know I just need to slow for a bit and hit my recharge button. I also really need to spend some time figuring out where I want to spend my energy. There is so much happiness that has come into my life over the past year – and also a lot of pain and hurt that has left it. I need to rebalance myself and acknowledge all the change. I spent so many years in a fearful survival mode and none of that is relevant anymore. It’s like I need the constant reminder that we are safe, we are loved, we can let go. I don’t have that huge burden to carry all alone anymore. I can lay it down. 

My happiness moment is sitting under the tree in my hometown – knowing we are safe and loved and that it is time to move ahead in joy. 


If you don’t tell your story, someone else will. 

If you don’t tell your story, someone else will 

I came across this quote this morning while reading an article about the Canadian beef industry. Given my family and background, the article held a lot of interest to me because of the content. But, that quote just leapt out at me and hit me right in the soul. 

I have let someone else tell my story for a long time. Finally after a lot of work and faith building I am strong enough to start to tell my own story. 

My close tribe already know most of it. They have been my angels who have held me up as I have regained my strength and sense of self worth. Many others have just sensed it and have reached in with loving help. 

I have a feeling it will get worse before it gets better, but I also know that I am strong enough to stand in this storm. 

I spent some time doing some energy work this morning with my dear friend and mentor Asrael from Ananda Ayurveda. I can’t express properly the gratitude I have for this wonderful, spiritual woman who had guided me out of my darkness. 

We worked on helping let go of a lot of the painful emotions that are coming my way. I have been putting myself in the path of the strong chinook winds and letting them blow all the yuck out of me – both in my imagination and literally as I stand on the ridge and cleanse my soul. As we were deep in our energy work Ella the Yoga Cat (who loves Asrael and always comes and hangs out when we work together) came by. She punched me in the head, glared at me, then turned and stuck her fancy tail up in the air and marched away. I don’t think she liked the energy I was getting rid of!! Me neither but I’m glad to have it gone! 

This morning I started my happiness moment early as I ran outside in my bare feet and danced around appreciating the beautiful sunrise. Ok, I was mostly dancing because my feet were cold. But it was a glorious way to start the day. A lot of good things are happening.   


My hummingbird charm 

The other day I wrote about the little chapel I discovered while out walking around Old Town Albuquerque.  For some reason I was really drawn to that space. I had been feeling kind of upset and just being there had really calmed me and brought me back to feeling peaceful and grounded.

Yesterday I was wandering about looking for little souvenirs to take back for the kids and I came across a small hummingbird charm. Hummingbirds and I seem to be very drawn to each other. I am fascinated by their small size and yet their ability to travel long distances, the way they fight with each other (way more aggressively than I would have thought), and their simple beauty. The charm was only $2.50 and for some reason I was compelled to purchase it. It came with a little quotation about the spiritual meaning of a hummingbird:

When you see a hummingbird it is very lucky indeed,

because it is known as a healer if you’re ever in need

Despite its small size it flies great distances and even flies backwards too.

A reminder to have faith and enjoy all that you do.

It seemed to be a perfect reminder of where I was at in my life right now. Learning to have faith and enjoy what I’m doing is kind of my theme at the present moment.  I bought him, the lady put him in a tiny ziploc bag and I brought him back to the hotel. For some reason last night I moved him over to my purse, even though I intended to pack him in the suitcase. As I looked at my little bird in the bag, I thought about how he looked like he was suffocating the way he was locked inside that plastic. I felt upset about this, but I wasn’t quite sure what to do about it. I didn’t want to take him out and lose him, I had planned to put him with my special rocks at home.

However, when I was standing inside the chapel today looking at the small gifts and letters that other people had left there, I was compelled to take my little bird out and place him with the other offerings. I sat for a while holding him, seeing how I felt about leaving him there. All of my feelings seemed to guide me to the realization that this was where he was supposed to be. For whatever reason my little hummingbird did not need to go home with me, he needed to stay right there in that chapel.

So, I found a nice little spot for him in a pinecone, said a prayer of gratitude and I left.

My moment of happiness today.


Eat, Pray, Love, Big Magic

Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Eat, Pray, Love was gifted to me by a friend in Montreal when we were in the process of moving to Rhode Island. It was a time of huge transition for me and I devoured the book, for the first time really understanding that one could seek out their own path to happiness.

I was still in the mindset that my happiness would come from the outside, the concept that it was an inside job was one that would take me years to fully grasp. I mean, honestly, even now I sometimes wish for a magic pill that would instantly make me happy, thin, and rich. I had two small children at the time and I was so insanely jealous of this woman who could quit her life and travel the world to find her happiness. I mean, I loved the book, I learned a lot from it, but I wanted her happiness journey, and I knew there was no way that was possible for me in that moment and time.

I’ve pulled the book out a few times over the years and reread it. It’s still one of my favourite books, and I love reading about how she made her life a happier one.  My understanding of my own path to happiness has changed as I’ve grown and I get now that no matter what, my happiness journey would be different than hers because I’m my own unique individual (as is she). But, the very idea that we can take a time out and find ourselves has stayed with me as time has passed.

On this amazing path that I am on now I am so blessed because things continue to come to me at the exact time that I need them. Like magic or something. I understand how I’m attracting better and better things into my life, but I’m also learning to have faith that even when I can’t see those things that they are there for me. Faith in that which I can see is easy, faith in the invisible has been much more of a learning process.

I wrote yesterday about feeling like I’m on the edge of this cliff ready to jump off into a new spiritual quest. Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book Big Magic reached the edge of my consciousness yesterday (and then into my Kindle),  and is answering questions about issues that I’ve been using as excuses to take the leap. It’s like she knew what I’ve been sitting here fretting about and wrote a book just for me.

Fear has often been a key decision maker in my life. I have either done or not done countless things because I’ve been driven by fear. In the time that I’ve dedicated my life understanding my anxiety and letting go of those panic feelings, I’ve still struggled about what to do about my deepest darkest fears. I want to stand on this cliff, drop all my fears and leap fearless into the exciting, unknown, future. But… the fear… it holds me back…

She offered a completely new perspective on how to handle this fear. In fact she says: Creativity is a path for the brave, yes, but it is not a path for the fearless, and it’s important to recognize the distinction. Bravery means doing something scary. Fearlessness means not even understanding what the word scary means.

I hadn’t thought about the difference between being brave and being fearless. I have discovered in the past couple of years that I am, in fact, quite brave…. and also that I am not fearless. So… hmmm… maybe that’s a good thing?

She goes on to talk about how when she begins a new creative endeavour, she takes fear along for the ride; accepting that it is part and parcel of a new beginning:

So, I don’t try to kill off my fear. I don’t go to war against it. Instead I make all that space for it. Heaps of space. Every single day. …. It seems to me that the less I fight my fear, the less it fights back. If I can relax, fear relaxes too. In fact, I cordially invite fear to come along with me everywhere I go.

I was reading my book feeling completely dumbstruck. So…. I could technically take this leap of faith while taking fear along with me then? It isn’t a personal failure that I’m still scared of stuff (failing being one of them)? I just have to make room for my fear, but not let it be in the driver’s seat making life decisions for me?

I decided a while ago that I was done making fear based decisions. But then it was almost like I was too afraid to make a decision just in case I was making one out of fear… (vicious cycle – I over think things too much). I think maybe I could convince fear to just sit in the back seat and come along for the ride, but maybe he could be a bit quieter? And he absolutely needs to let me be in charge of the map.

My happiness moment today was having the time to sit and read some of this book. To absorb in what she was saying that was speaking to exactly where I am in life. I am *so* close to leaping off. In fact I think I may have already let go with one foot and the other one is just about to fly…



Shifts and changes

It’s seems as though it’s time for changes both inside and out. There is no more ignoring the fact that the season has changed. The leaves are long gone, the grass has gone brown, there is frost on the ground and the car in the mornings, and now… as I mentioned yesterday, the swans are here.

it’s a terrible picture, but it was taken with my iphone as I ran after them down the ramp towards the highway. I didn’t want to upset them by getting any closer, and of course I didn’t have a better camera with me.

I have hundreds of photos that Dad sent me of the swans. He really loved it in the spring and fall when they would come stay at the slough for a while before continuing on on their migratory path.

So, it’s bittersweet. When Dad died the swans were still here, it was the beginning of spring, there was new life all around. It’s harder to see them now, but it is a reminder that life goes on, and I must too.

Even though it fills me with sad feelings of missing Dad, I still love the swans. I love them for themselves, the beautiful and graceful birds that they are. I love them because they fill me with happy memories of us all rushing out to see them and to stand and watch as they swam on the slough and flew in the field above us. I am happy because we can still do that and we can share it with each other now.

I’ve been doing lots of energy work, and am happy that I’m finally able to clear some pretty big energy blockages that I’ve had stored deep inside for a long, long time. It’s time to let things to, and to let flow and joy back into all areas of my life. It’s exhausting work sometimes, but I feel lighter and stronger and happier because of it. More and more I am seeing that I am attracting good things into my life.

My happiness moment today came when I finally understood a key part of my Ayurveda course. I’ve been struggling with this for ages and no matter how many ways I looked at it, it just wasn’t making sense. All of a sudden today *bing* something shifted and now I understand it. I had to do a little happy dance around – what a great feeling!


Stress is wasted energy

I feel like this week has been full of wasted energy. Sprinkled in with some really good uses of my energy. It’s all that worrying, stressing, wasted mind energy on things I can’t change that I’ve really struggled with. As I’ve said before, I waste a lot of energy stressing about things I can’t do anything about. They’re real, and they’re scary, and they cause me to be upset, but there is no action I can do to change any of it (I get that there is action I can do to change my reaction to it – that’s what I’m working on).

Today was a really good example. We had an open house. I’ve worked hours and hours this week on the house trying to keep it looking really nice so that someone will come buy it. Even though it was the coldest day we’ve had yet this winter and I was pretty sure it would be a quiet day here I worked and worked and stressed and stressed getting the house ready. Not only is it stressful for me this whole emotional thing of moving, but it’s really stressful for the kids. So, I have to moderate my stress and try and love and nurture them to help diminish their upset feelings as well. It takes a real toll. Even though we all want to move, and are looking forward to the move, it’s still very emotional having people come through the house, living in limbo, waiting.

One thing I have learned as I’ve been building myself back up is how completely emotionally and physically depleted I was. So, the reality is I only have so much energy to give to certain things – even if I choose to spend all my energy on something. It does not take a lot to drain me right now. I’m so much stronger than I once was, but not nearly as strong as I want to be (and as I was before).

I wasted so much energy stressing about things this week that while they are influencing my life, I can’t do anything about, and I certainly can’t make better by stressing about them. All it does is make me tired and anxious and less me.  I want to be a better me, have more fun with the kids, be a better friend, enjoy life, find happiness. Wasting energy on things that I can’t change does not do that.

I can still feel huge energy shifts from my yoga class yesterday which I think is a good thing, but has me more emotionally exhausted than normal. But, I can feel that stuff shifting on out. Lots of emotions moving.

My happiness moment for my 21st day of the 44 days of happiness came at our library. We have the best library, it has lots of books, an amazing mountain view (with huge windows), a coffee shop, lots of computers, an awesome teen room (where my monsters go and play on the computer, or on the x-box, or hang out with the other kids, or *shocking* read a book. We went there today during the open house. It was so uplifting and enjoyable and free. Lucky us!