happiness

Being authentic

I’ve been really struggling over the last week as to whether or not I should take a blogging break. I’ve found a moment of happiness every day for almost 3 and a half years – even when dad died, when I got divorced, when he left us without money, when we have struggled, when mom died.

But right now I just don’t want to. I feel like I’m not being authentic talking about a trivial moment of happiness in days that are by far the worst I’ve experienced. And I can’t talk about that, so I can’t share the sad or the happy moments.

For right now I’m craving quiet. I don’t want the noise of social media. I need time to try and reconnect with a God I’m not sure I believe in at the moment. At the very least I feel abandoned by him. Don’t bother sending bible verses – I need action and miracles, I’ve lived on words and promises for long enough.

I know this too shall pass. I’m not sure how or when but it will. My plan is to take a break until the weekend is over and then reassess where things are at.

What I will say is that recovering from trauma is fucking hard and it’s taking every ounce of strength I have to pull my kids through this.

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3 thoughts on “Being authentic

  1. Moi says:

    I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved parents. I think they were guided to stay until you were safe.
    There is nothing anyone can say to you to make sense of being a victim of abuse. You did not ask for it nor did you deserve it. Neither did your children.
    I think you need time to mourn. You have a wonderful singer, Gordon Lightfoot, who wrote a song about losing someone, LOOKING AT THE RAIN. I found it years ago in a used record store and now have it downloaded. I am sure he wrote it about a lost sweetheart but it expressed perfectly the desperation I felt at losing my mother. I couldn’t get past the grief for months. I heard that played on an oldie station and tore up the town to find it. I put earphones on and listened over and over while I wailed out my sadness. When I had no tears left I also never had another nightmare or nighttime nausea. I finally accepted the loss. We all get through grief the best we can. And we are all so different.
    I send you hugs and good thoughts from the US.
    Take care of yourself.

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