The girl and I spent the afternoon playing Uno. She has mad skills at that game and the only reason I ever even win a game is because of tricks she taught me.
I love that girl
Tag Archives: narcissist
Cooking in the kitchen
We had a couple of really beautiful hours this afternoon as we cooked in grandmas kitchen. We listened to music and laughed – then we sat down for a fantastic meal.
The little things
Lean on me
I am so constantly impressed with the circle of support I have in my life. I am so grateful that I have really good people I can lean on when I need, and they can lean on me too.
My people are the kind who will run into the fire to save their loved ones. That takes a strong soul.
Equine therapy
Mr. X has threatened to report me to social services as he feels “it is the only route he has to ensure the safety and protection of his children.” Apparently in the middle of this crisis we are in attacking my parenting is the most appropriate route.
The only response I had to that was to just carry on with life. I am doing the best I can – so are the kids. What else can I do?
Churchill said the outside of a horse is good for the inside of a man, and I have always believed horses have incredible healing abilities.
I took the girl out to play with Drishti this afternoon. The difference in her before and after horse time was like night and day. She laughed, smiled, relaxed, and loved on him.
The smell of lavender
We are home after a long and stressful day. The diffusers are full of lavender and we are unwinding. What a blessing it is to have a home where we are loved and safe.
Heal yourself
I feel like in the last three years God has just kicked the shit out of my life. All the earthly foundations I had come to depend upon have been shattered with the deaths of my parents and a financially ruining divorce. But you know, maybe I needed my foundation to be destroyed so that I could build a new life from the ground up.
The thing about starting from 0 means that I get to recreate my life. I get to stop and think about who I really want to be for this next part of my life.
My experiences with my parents really helped me understand I need to strengthen my spiritual connection and that has become my mission.
I’m discovering that while most of the pain inflicted on me and the kids wasn’t my fault (and for a long time I believed him when he said it was), it’s my responsibility to heal from it. That has totally changed my perspective on things.
It helps me step out of being a victim, and into a role where I can actually make a change – not only for me but for the kids too.
I can’t change him, I don’t want to, and I don’t have to. But I have to change myself. I have to keep working at living from love instead of living from fear.
Little Abu
Life has been kind of hard lately. I feel like I should be healing from mom’s death – but in fact it seems like it’s getting harder and harder to accept. Maybe it’s because we are in the process of going through her things. Maybe it’s because there has been so much loss the last few years. Maybe it’s because it just takes more time.
I was sitting today on the couch doing some work when little Abu came and sat beside me. Once again I was faced with the fork in the road of love and fear.
We often refer to Abu as our therapy cat – I swear her only purpose in life is to exude love. She knows when we need her and she just comes and sits beside whomever is needing some love and just is. And soon we feel better – like magic.
On the other side, I was preparing some documents. It seems that the paternity of my children is being brought into question. I don’t know if it’s driven by Mr. X or his lawyer – but it’s certainly a financial thing. It’s hurtful, but it’s a fear tactic- I know that I wasn’t the one stepping out.
So I sat there – Abu beside me – feeling upset.
And I closed the computer and cuddled with the love cat and then did some inspirational reading.
Love has to be the choice. Always.
Abu cuddling her brother Aladdin.
Surrender to happiness
I have learned so much about what happiness truly means for me since starting my blog over 3 years ago. I was seeking happiness in a very dark time in my life, looking for little glimmers of hope wherever I could find them. Most of my searching started on the outside – I’d see Henry The Heron on a walk and send a photo of him to my dad who would send me back a photo of the heron who lives here, I’d smile at someone at the grocery store and have them smile back, I’d read a book that brought me joy. It was very basic, simple, and really makes me realize how small and sad my life was then.
I’m focusing more now on happiness being an inside job. I’m learning how true happiness comes from my connection to the Divine and living my Dharma, my destiny, my passion.
Mostly I need to learn how to surrender.
I hate surrendering. I hate surrendering to other people, I even hate surrendering to God. Why do I need to control everything (especially when I know damn well I control nothing)? Genetics hahaha. No, seriously though – I know full well my life goes much better when I hand it over to God, but I still stubbornly hold on to the important things just in case He doesn’t do it right, or in case He forgets about me.
I’m reading a book right now called The Power of Surrender and I came across this passage in my reading today
To stay happy, remember that a positive inner focus shapes outer success… Surrendering to happiness means being grateful for what you have achieved, even if it’s just getting out of bed in the morning during trying times. Gratitude is an ecstatic feeling, a way to allow contentment in…. Surrendering to happiness also means letting everyday life delight you, giving thanks for the love that is around you, for your body, for your breath… Material success, as financially comfortable as it can make you, as pleasant as it can be, isn’t required for happiness. It won’t make you any happier than you would be otherwise in the long run. So part of success is being smart enough to know what can make you happy and going after that… (21-22).
When I filed for divorce I lost any (albeit false) sense of security I had created for myself. Mr X has been allowed to get $40,000 behind in payments and it has cost me more than that again in legal fees over the last 2 years. But what I have learned by losing everything I had was a) I have an awesome family and they scooped us up and have held us in love and gave us a home as I’m recreating life, and b) that my true happiness that comes from my connection to the Divine and that shines out in riding my horse, in my writing, in my relationships – all of that can’t be taken away – it’s who I am, not what I have.
This is why it’s so important for me to learn to surrender. To hand it over to the Divine, to choose love over fear, to embrace life, and to forgive.
Yes to forgive.
I’m working on that.
The more I forgive, the more I am able to connect to my own inner peace. And that is happiness.
The Fallen Housewife
I have known for a little while that the next step in my healing was going to be sharing my story. I just had to wait until the time was right. Aside from the grief of my parents dying and the struggles from the divorce and just general life with teens- I wanted to wait to share when I was in a space where it would be more than angry rants.
I’m there now. It is time. I need to keep healing, and part of that is stepping out of the shame and embarrassment and hurt I lived in.
I’ve started a new blog. I’ll keep this one going of course, it has been a lifeline for me as I’ve been learning how to surrender into happiness. But I needed a place to tell my story. So thefallenhousewife.com was created (you can follow it on it’s Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/thefallenhousewife/).
As Rafiki says it is time. I’m thankful I’m at this stage of healing, there were some hard years in there.
Trust in him
Trust is essential and as I’m learning to trust myself again I know that self trust is only one piece of the pie. I need to trust in myself, trust in my Higher Power, trust in others, and trust in the process of life.
Trust in others has often been difficult for me – partly because I didn’t trust myself enough not to put my faith in those who aren’t trustworthy- but trust is something I did learn to do as a small child, out in a field, on the back of my horse.
In order to make the horse/rider relationship work the way I like it to, we both have to trust each other with our lives. And I have to do this all the while knowing that either one of us could make a mistake that could cause injury or worse. Yet we trust and we go. We have to. Of course, you need a horse who is safe and sane and a rider who is the same.
Thank God for Drishti, he’s helping me rebuild my trust and faith in myself and I’m learning to trust him as well (even when he’s a turd).
I wish this process was more unicorns and rainbows, it feels like it should be more unicorns and rainbows. Instead it’s a lot of tears and pushing through fear and praying nonstop that I’ll make it through to the other side. But the other option was to stay where I was before, and that would have destroyed me. If you’re going through hell, keep on going.
I remember when I got Rolex years ago and he was (also) a total turd. When I would go to get on and put my foot in the stirrup, he used to bend his head around and bite my butt. Then as I was hauling myself up into the saddle, he used to bolt across the arena bucking. This was what I did for fun y’all. But it also kind of feels like life – I held on and learned to make him listen to me, and once we got each other sorted out we were an amazing team. I used to jump him over 5 foot oxers with my arms straight out at my sides, his head completely free, me praying like mad that I’d survive. We trusted each other. Trust is an essential step on the road to happiness. I need to trust again.
