Surrender to happiness

I have learned so much about what happiness truly means for me since starting my blog over 3 years ago. I was seeking happiness in a very dark time in my life, looking for little glimmers of hope wherever I could find them. Most of my searching started on the outside – I’d see Henry The Heron on a walk and send a photo of him to my dad who would send me back a photo of the heron who lives here, I’d smile at someone at the grocery store and have them smile back, I’d read a book that brought me joy. It was very basic, simple, and really makes me realize how small and sad my life was then.

I’m focusing more now on happiness being an inside job. I’m learning how true happiness comes from my connection to the Divine and living my Dharma, my destiny, my passion.

Mostly I need to learn how to surrender.

I hate surrendering. I hate surrendering to other people, I even hate surrendering to God. Why do I need to control everything (especially when I know damn well I control nothing)? Genetics hahaha. No, seriously though – I know full well my life goes much better when I hand it over to God, but I still stubbornly hold on to the important things just in case He doesn’t do it right, or in case He forgets about me.

I’m reading a book right now called The Power of Surrender and I came across this passage in my reading today

To stay happy, remember that a positive inner focus shapes outer success… Surrendering to happiness means being grateful for what you have achieved, even if it’s just getting out of bed in the morning during trying times. Gratitude is an ecstatic feeling, a way to allow contentment in…. Surrendering to happiness also means letting everyday life delight you, giving thanks for the love that is around you, for your body, for your breath… Material success, as financially comfortable as it can make you, as pleasant as it can be, isn’t required for happiness. It won’t make you any happier than you would be otherwise in the long run. So part of success is being smart enough to know what can make you happy and going after that… (21-22).

When I filed for divorce I lost any (albeit false) sense of security I had created for myself. Mr X has been allowed to get $40,000 behind in payments and it has cost me more than that again in legal fees over the last 2 years. But what I have learned by losing everything I had was a) I have an awesome family and they scooped us up and have held us in love and gave us a home as I’m recreating life, and b) that my true happiness that comes from my connection to the Divine and that shines out in riding my horse, in my writing, in my relationships – all of that can’t be taken away – it’s who I am, not what I have.

This is why it’s so important for me to learn to surrender. To hand it over to the Divine, to choose love over fear, to embrace life, and to forgive.

Yes to forgive.

I’m working on that.

The more I forgive, the more I am able to connect to my own inner peace. And that is happiness.



Fly me to the moon 

My boy got a chance to show me how much he loves to jump today. For the first time I put him over some cavaletti- at first he thought they were the scariest things in the world, but in very short order he was running around, jumping them of his own accord. 

The boy can jump! I love to jump. Soon we will do this together. It’s passion, passion is happiness. 

On that note, I listened to the boy talk about his hopes and dreams on the way to town. It’s an exciting time with the whole world ahead of him. I hope nothing ever happens to crush his dreams, that he never lets that passion fade. Mostly that will mean not listening to the people who tell him it’s not possible. There are lots of dream killers, with both good and bad intentions. 

Listen to your soul. Let your heart sing. Find your dharma. That is the road to happiness. 


Eddie the Eagle – stronger than ever 

Today we took a trip back to Calgary 1988 and watched Eddie the Eagle soar once again. 

I sat at the hill years ago with my sister and my dad and watched as he jumped, and now almost 30 years later watched again with my daughter (and he jumped in his Olympic ski suit which was pretty damn impressive). 

It was a happiness moment for many reasons. It brought back great memories of the 88 Olympics – we were very fortunate and got to watch many events. We still tell stories of how we were mortified by our dad (he probably felt the same way about us), and it was fun to revisit those memories. 

It was special to share the event with my daughter. We watched the movie together and both of us found his story really inspiring. 

It was so heartwarming to see the reception he got from his Calgary fans. People yelling welcome back and we are so glad you are here. When he was getting ready to jump people were cheering his name. The fans were so excited to watch him jump, and he was grinning ear to ear, the happiness was contagious. In a culture where we seem so often to relish in watching one another fail, it was a delight to see a group of people who do earnestly wanted to see someone succeed. 

As he was going up the chairlift above us, he shook his fist over his head and with a huge smile yelled stronger than ever!!! He inspires me to be braver, to keep trying things that scare me, to do things I may not be good at, to chase my dreams. 

Not only was it happiness, but it was a lot of fun. Witnessing someone living their dharma with such joy is a gift. 


Walk of faith 

Last summer I was outside in the yard playing with my sister, her kids, and my kids. When it was time to come back in the house, my sister stood and held the kitchen door open so my (then) 4 year old niece could come inside.

Instead of walking through the open door, S stood just outside and stressed about the fact that she was fearful that her mommy would shut the door on her. In the stubborn way that only little kids can have she stood there refusing to move, all the while saying that she doubted that her mommy would keep the door open for her.

My sister explained to her (several times) that she would never shut the door on her, asked her had she ever not been there for her when S needed her? She would never hurt her, S knew that she could trust her, and she was her mom and she loved her very much.

Yet still, this little girl doubted this loving being who had never shown her anything besides safe, caring, unconditional, protective love.

When S finally pranced safely through the door, I turned to my sister and said do you ever think that’s how God feels about us? He’s never given us any reason to doubt him, He’s always protected us and loved us, and yet we seem to question Him every step of the way.

It’s kind of stood out to me as an important reminder that I can and should trust that He is walking beside me, is loving me, and is holding the door open for me all I have to do is walk through it.

Apparently because I felt like crying this afternoon, I spent some time going through old emails that my Dad had sent me. He used to send me some really thoughtful comments about my blog, and his messages were always so full of love and support. So, I cried because I miss him, I cried because we didn’t come home sooner, I cried because I feel like I’ve let my kids down.

But, in all that crying, I came across an email sent by my dad which included a photo he titled “the door waiting to be opened“. He said:

the caption that hit me for this photo is “the door waiting to be opened”. I realize that it’s not the initial object the eye focuses on, but as I was taking the photo (in the middle of apple blossoms with the trunk of the aging apple tree in front of me) that was the message that came to me.

I kind of feel like I’ve been standing outside waiting for the door to be opened, when in reality it’s been open all the time just waiting for me to walk through it. It’s that whole having faith that as I walk through it, knowing that it won’t get slammed on me. And while people can be really good at slamming doors, I have no reason to believe that He who has led me so patiently on this path would do anything besides hold my hand as I walk through it.


I shared this story in a small group this morning at church. Starting to really own and understand the strength in my faith – that’s my happiness moment. Starting to walk through the door – that’s me walking into my dharma, my bliss, my love.


4 bar horse adrenaline rush 

We went down the the Rocky Mountain Show Jumping event at the Stampede Grounds tonight. The 4 bar event was sponsored by the Horse Store and they very kindly gave us free tickets to go watch. 

What a rush. Brave riders, fearless horses. It was SO much fun. 

By the end the last rider cleared 1.95 metres 

The girl who came second pulled her horse out at 1.85 – she was on a young horse and they had done really well. It’s good to know when enough is enough. 

It was so much fun to watch this, better to share the happiness moment with Jacob who so very kindly came along with me. 

I miss horses so much. All of this seeking of happiness that I do- it was something I just always had when I had my horses. That says a lot. 


That thing…

I’ve been searching for that thing, figuring out what the gifts are that I’ve been given and how best to use them.

I think I’ve had some divine inspiration today. I’m working on an idea that just may be able to use those gifts, share happiness, and bring me some joy as well. I’m kind of excited. I’ll share more later as things progress, but for now… this idea –  it’s my happiness moment.


Sharing your happiness


I’ve been on this happiness quest for sometime now. It amazes me to think how far I’ve come since I started from the broken mess I was a few years ago. Yet, there is so far yet to go – it will be a lifelong journey for sure.

I had a happiness fact driven home today for me. I’ve realized that my happiness cup is now full enough that I need to make a real, conscious effort to share the happiness instead of merely seek it. I’ve realized that happiness is done best when it is shared with others.

There’s this guy in Cochrane who in my opinion has one of the worst jobs I could imagine. The worst for me that is, not that it’s a terrible job. He’s one of those guys who stands on the street with a sign for a shop nearby and waves at potential customers. I’ve seen these guys (and gals) all over the place and they always look pretty miserable, bored, unhappy, lonely… just like how I would be if I were doing that job.

But this guy – the guy who carries the sign for Little Caesars in town – he has a blast doing his job. He puts in his earbuds and dances his entire shift. He waves his sign around, smiles, laughs, waves at drivers and pedestrians and genuinely seems to enjoy what he’s doing. And it’s infectious – I read about him on the local Facebook pages – other drivers are cheered up by his happiness dance as well.

Today we were driving by and he walked in front of the car at the light. He stopped mid cross and busted a little move, turned and gave Jenna and I a huge smile, then walked the rest of the way across. We both had huge grins on our faces as we drove away. It’s amazing how easy it is to share happiness when you are doing something you love.

It was a great happiness moment because not only did I find joy in it, but I realized how important it is to keep sharing that joy with others.



Finding our gifts

Today was week 3 of the finding your spiritual gift group I’ve been attending at our church. I consider it such a blessing that I was guided into this group, this church, at the exact time I was. For a few weeks before I had sat with this powerful feeling that things were changing in my life, that it was time to begin to embrace my power, that I was going to begin a new level of understanding myself.

Then I went to church and was pulled immediately into this group by one of the ladies. I had no intention of joining, was looking to drop the kids off and go have some quiet time before coming back for service. But the lady told me it was an opportunity to find out what gifts God has given us and how we are to use them in the world. All my spidey senses went off. This was exactly what I had been needing. So I went.

The past three weeks have been really interesting. I have learned a lot about myself, and about how the gifts we are given work. I’m finally understanding that just because my gifts aren’t like your gifts, or aren’t maybe the gifts that I think would have value that I would like them to have (usually because I’ve been told they don’t), that does not mean that they aren’t sacred gifts from God – that it is my duty to use them.

Our leader comes in every week with a wrapped gift and places it at her feet. She talks about how important it is not only to receive the gift, but too use it. Then she motions to the gift box and says – because it’s not much good to any of us just sitting there all wrapped up in the box not being used is it?

So true.

I’m starting to understand some of my gifts and how they have value. They’re things that I actually used to think had value, but had allowed people over the years to devalue. Somehow instead of having the confidence in myself and in what I had to offer, I allowed the opinions of others to make me feel like my gifts weren’t important. And unfortunately for every time I was told by someone else that my gifts didn’t have value, I repeated that message to myself 1000 times more.  All of our gifts are important – no matter how big or how small.

Jenna was asked to help out with the children’s church during service. She was nervous, but excited to be one of the “big kids” and to have some responsibility. She’s so shy in public and often doubts the great gifts that God has given her. She stepped into one of her gifts today and did a wonderful job of helping the kids during service. The kids were happy, but the glow that came from Jenna from sharing that special part of herself – that was my happiness moment. It is so important to share what God gave you.




The energy shifts

I’ve been saying for the past few weeks that I felt like I was on the verge of a huge energy shift again. I don’t think I even realized that as I was saying I was on the verge that I was actually already shifting. The past couple of weeks have brought about some big changes, and I am pretty excited about the shifts that are taking place.

I had a session with my amazing Asrael today and we worked on allowing some of that energy to flow, understanding some of what it is, and letting some things go. I had a huge a-ha moment which seemed to have given me an answer to a what was the purpose of that happening question I’d been having. I get it, I get it, I get it, and now I know how to apply that knowledge so I can learn the lesson I was supposed to from it and empower myself. Because that’s what this shift is all about – stepping into my dharma. I love that – all this work over the past few years has been getting me ready for this space right now. I’m pretty excited about that.

Just knowing that and allowing the energy to flow has already brought about some huge and powerful changes. I had an intensely powerful spiritual moment during my session today. I’m not even going to begin to try and describe it, but just know that it brightened the core of my soul. My happiness moment.