Today I had to head into town to buy clothes for the kids and me to wear to Dad’s funeral. Clothes for the kids because – well – they’re kids and they grow. clothes for me because apparently all I’ve done over the past couple of weeks is stress eat and nothing fits me anymore. So, now not only am I in mourning but I’m fat as well. Excellent.
I’ve consoled myself with the thought that Dad was one of the few people who loved me exactly as I am, no matter what, and he would understand why I’ve put on the pudge. Nothing else should matter (sob… pass the cake please).
During my time of over-eating, I’ve had a strange binging buddy. My cat Ella has been stress eating right along with me. Her food consumption has almost tripled over the past couple of weeks. My cat who prefers the method of being “close but no touching” has decided that she can’t leave my side. She follows me everywhere, she reaches up with her paw and grabs my hands and brings them to her if I’m not paying her enough attention. This morning while I was on the elliptical, she jumped up on the freezer which is right beside it and pawed at me the entire time – rolling on her back for a tummy rub every time I put my hand out.
She knows something is up and she’s my constant soul companion when I’m home.
My happiness moment came today when I was having supper that had been prepared by my mother in law. We have been so well cared for by our tribe. Last night was supper at my cousin’s place. The night before that we were at the funeral home when I realized that we didn’t have anything for supper, I texted a different cousin and said “remember how you said anytime and anything we needed? we are hungry and don’t have supper”. When we came home she was standing in our kitchen heating up supper for us. We are so well loved and cared for.
I had a secondary, quieter happiness moment today that was more along the lines of yesterday’s flower walk. I didn’t get a picture of them – but today the mountains were amazing. It was one of those rare, perfect mornings where things were still and clear. The mountains looked like they were right on our doorstep. I had to stop and stand still for a while and take in their beauty. Grateful happiness. The kind of bliss that comes only from standing at home looking out on “our view”. I could feel Dad standing with me. Which was good and hard. Every day seems to get harder instead of easier. But, that moment made it easier and that made it a happiness moment.