That pretty much describes my emotions lately. I think I’m ok, I act like I’m ok and then suddenly I’m not ok. 

Today my sister, the kids, and I went to Spruce Meadows. One of my happy places. It’s changed so much since it used to be one of my haunting grounds back when I was showing. It’s grown and become much more of a family place. While this is a good thing for them, I still love just going and watching the horses jump. I don’t need anything else. Jenna made me feel like I’d failed as her mom when she said oh Spruce Meadows… The place with the dogs?  

So we went and did some kid things and then we went and watched some jumping. We were happily watching when a lady in front of us tripped on the stairs and fell face first down on the ground.  She lay there for a long time while they waited for the paramedics saying that she had done something to her hip. There were  people there helping her and the situation was under control so I had nothing to do but watch. Which I had to do since it was right at my feet. 

I was sitting there watching her be looked after by caring and competent people and I was totally fine. Then all of a sudden I was in blubbering tears. Just watching this scene unfold brought up so many emotions. It made me realize how completely emotionally raw I am and how little it takes to set me off. 

As my sister and I have decided that  when people ask how are you?  We respond by saying I’m fine. Fine being Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional. Just FINE thanks. 

I know things get better, but sometimes I feel normal and then the reminder of Dad’s death sneaks up and kicks me in the gut. 

My happiness moment today was at Spruce Meadows, and while I certainly had happiness moments watching the horses, my moment came lying in the shade on the grass by the kids’ playground. 

 
Just lying there and looking up at the sky. A moment of happiness.