happiness

The good kind of scared 

I took Jenna and her friend to Spruce Meadows today. It was a perfect day to go – before the big tournament starts so it still had the feel of a horse show instead of being a big spectator event. Those are fun too, but today I just needed a good fix of horses and their riders. 

I love watching the amatures, the only thing better is watching the kids on their ponies. It’s a totally different sport than what goes on in the International Ring. The girls really got into it too. They figured out how many faults you got for what and paid attention to how the horses were getting around the course. It was really cool to listen to them be so excited about something that has brought me so much joy. 

I realized while watching the jumpers that I miss the good kind of scared. Where something gives me butterflies, but I’m excited, and that little thrill of fear is a good thing. I spent so many years where the only kind of scared I felt was a really bad kind that I forgot there’s another kind. The one you feel when you put your trust in another living creature and take a huge leap of faith. I know the only reason I ever managed to get around a course was because of the trust based relationship I had with my horses. My human relationships now are much like that as well. I’m only walking this path with people I trust and love. 

A beautiful happiness moment at one of my favourite places on Earth followed by a family supper at his house. It was good. 

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I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m not ok, I’m fine ….

That pretty much describes my emotions lately. I think I’m ok, I act like I’m ok and then suddenly I’m not ok. 

Today my sister, the kids, and I went to Spruce Meadows. One of my happy places. It’s changed so much since it used to be one of my haunting grounds back when I was showing. It’s grown and become much more of a family place. While this is a good thing for them, I still love just going and watching the horses jump. I don’t need anything else. Jenna made me feel like I’d failed as her mom when she said oh Spruce Meadows… The place with the dogs?  

So we went and did some kid things and then we went and watched some jumping. We were happily watching when a lady in front of us tripped on the stairs and fell face first down on the ground.  She lay there for a long time while they waited for the paramedics saying that she had done something to her hip. There were  people there helping her and the situation was under control so I had nothing to do but watch. Which I had to do since it was right at my feet. 

I was sitting there watching her be looked after by caring and competent people and I was totally fine. Then all of a sudden I was in blubbering tears. Just watching this scene unfold brought up so many emotions. It made me realize how completely emotionally raw I am and how little it takes to set me off. 

As my sister and I have decided that  when people ask how are you?  We respond by saying I’m fine. Fine being Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional. Just FINE thanks. 

I know things get better, but sometimes I feel normal and then the reminder of Dad’s death sneaks up and kicks me in the gut. 

My happiness moment today was at Spruce Meadows, and while I certainly had happiness moments watching the horses, my moment came lying in the shade on the grass by the kids’ playground. 

 
Just lying there and looking up at the sky. A moment of happiness.  

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