A mind – full meditation

My meditation practice is still a work in progress. Meditation is something that I have been drawn to and curious about since discovering that I love yoga. But it’s also something I’ve been hesitant to do and slow to love.

I flirted a bit with it over the years, but it wasn’t until I became a student of New World Ayurveda that it actually became a part of my daily routine. And, let’s be honest here, a lot of the time it only is part of that routine because it’s a graduation requirement. Sometimes I like it, a lot of the time I hate it, often I am bored by it, always I feel better because of it.

When I first started I was so filled with anxiety that I couldn’t do more than a few minutes before having a panic attack. My body and soul was in such distress that I couldn’t take that quiet time. It took a lot of time and a lot of determination to keep going and get through that.

Interestingly, now as a byproduct of all that hard work (and some other things learned through Ayurveda), I barely think about anxiety at all anymore. I’ve made such enormous changes in my life and I’m hardly ever anxious.

However, usually I still struggle through my meditation practice. I’ll be focusing on my mantra and then instead of slipping into the blissful state I feel I should be heading towards, my mind goes to….. hmmmm what should I have for lunch? Did I get the kids all the things they needed for school? Is the dog going through the garbage? She’s such a naughty dog. I should take her for a walk, I hear the cats moving around, is there a mouse in the house? I’m hungry. Is this almost over? Why am I not all blissful? And then some real life problems are always mixed in.

I meditate for 20 minutes at a time. When I’m getting ready to meditate, I wish that I could maybe only do 5 or 10 minutes… but the course says I have to do 20. Grumble grumble. But, it’s not until the last 5 or so minutes when my brain usually lets go of all its crap and I relax into a proper state.

Today’s meditation was a wild ride. Unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I’m focusing on letting go, allowing, trusting, loving, listening to my heart. It’s all very challenging for me as I have a hard time trusting and because of that a hard time allowing. Although I am also painfully aware that I never am able to actually accomplish anything positive by forcing and controlling. I know the only way to get where I want to be is by surrendering and allowing.

Today though everything just went into this beautiful space and I was able to let things go and find a lot of freedom and peace. It was a beautiful moment in time that created an incredible amount of healing and strength for me. That was my happiness moment today.



8 thoughts on “A mind – full meditation

  1. AriesIntrovert says:

    The typical industrial nation culture is very heavy on constant thinking (or having constant stimulus like watching TV or checking FB) and so we are at a disadvantage when it comes to meditation practices. I feel like it would be safe to say that probably 90% of people who meditate have the same struggles you mention, I know I have (and still do).

    The benefits from meditation are vast so the trick is to just keep working at it, no matter how bad you think you are! 🙂

    • Thanks! I know it’s working because slowly it makes me feel better. But what a struggle! My kids meditate with me at night and take to it a lot faster than I do.

  2. Meditation is very difficult because we’re so used to living a fast-paced and busy life, and meditation asks us to slow down and just sit. It seems so simple yet it’s so difficult.

    I haven’t been meditating for long, and I continue to struggle with my focus and attention, but even in a short period of time, I can see changes within myself. My anxiety levels are lower, I’m less reactive, and I’m calmer.

    It’s good to see that you’re practicing meditation and keeping at it!

    • Good for you for keeping at it as well. I am impressed at how much easier it is for my kids to relax into their meditation (they do it at night with me). I hope it’s a gift that they will carry into adulthood.

      • It really gives me joy to hear that you’re trying to instill this discipline into your children’s lives. I think it’s something they will really appreciate in the future and something they’ll thank you for!

  3. barbaramarincel says:

    I am terrible at meditation, but after reading your story I am motivated to keep trying…just the fact that you were able to work through your anxiety is so impressive to me. And today’s experience sounds lovely…

    • It was. It’s these moments that gives me the desire to keep going at it. I’m glad you’re going to keep trying. When I’m done I often think even the “bad” ones left me feeling better. It does take a lot of motivation to get me there though!

  4. I have been meditating for almost 2 years now – I learned Primordial Sound Meditation when I went to the Chopra Center. They recommend 30 minutes twice a day which at the time seemed like an enormous amount of time. But I committed to it and over time it has become a very important part of my day. The biggest lesson I have learned is to not judge my meditation. There is no good or bad. Often my mind is full of thoughts but it is in the accepting and letting go and not judging that purification comes. I have to admit that I sometimes fall asleep while meditating but it is in accepting that that is what was needed that I learn again not to judge myself. And in not judging myself then, I slowly learn not to judge myself or others. This is a huge and wonderful thing.

    Thank you for writing about your experiences. It is so wonderful to know that meditation cured your anxiety!

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