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The path of least resistance

Thanks to the incredible generosity of Jacob, Jenna and I have spent the day sniffling into kleenex and croaking through sore throats. The Great Cold of 2015 has officially swept through our house – hopefully to pass out just as quickly.The good thing is that we were all able to stop and rest and allow ourselves to get healthy again.

With this time on my hands today I’ve taken the opportunity (when not engaged in a Golden Girl’s marathon with Jenna) to observe how Aladdin functions in our house. His passiveness, or constantly choosing the path of least resistance is something I’ve noticed about him since the day he came to live with us. He came to us a couple of weeks after I’d gone and listened to a sermon by a cousin of mine on forgiveness. In this talk, she mentioned turning the other cheek and how it is possible to “win” a confrontation by being non-aggressive and non-confrontational.  I understood the concept, but still had some difficulty imagining it working in real life.

Until I met Aladdin. He is a real life lesson in how this is possible and how it works not only for him, but for those who engage with him.

One of his first confrontations was with Dottie the Dotted Dog. She has been well-trained by Ella the Cat that one does not chase the cat. She knows not to chase the cats at my parents’ house, but she was taught by the other dogs here (and her willing spirit) that the barn cats are fair game. When Aladdin came downstairs for the first time he was greeted by a very excited and curious Dottie. Her ears perked up and she bolted over towards him with body language that said cat, cat, I’m going to chase the cat. Run cat, I’m coming for you! Instead of running, which would have been my natural reaction, he simply lay down and rolled on his back.

Dottie didn’t know what to do. She bounded up to him and he just lay there, paws waving in the air, belly exposed. She stood and stared at him, sniffed him, and then backed away with a confused look on her face. The one and only time she’s ever tried to chase him – he ended it by being a pacifist and choosing the path of least resistance.

What the heck?? 
Dottie does not understand this at all   
 He does this wherever he goes. If something startles him instead of growling or hissing or running,  he stops where he is and lies down. He is not a coward at all. In fact I think he’s quite a trusting and  brave (not so) little guy. Both he and Abu had a rough first year and lived in a lot of uncertainty and fear (I know how devastating those emotions can be on a soul). Instead of being a fraidy cat or being an angry cat he just keeps living his life. He’s social and wants to be around us, so he comes out and hangs with us and deals with whatever that situation throws at him. He has decided that he trusts us and so he does, completely and whole-heartedly. I admire that, it takes a great deal of strength to just keep on being who you are and not retaliating to difficult situations with anger and fear.

By watching him I am learning how to deal with situations without using fear, anger, or aggression. He knows how to diffuse a situation by seeming to submit when in reality that is the last thing he is doing. When Dottie approached him it appeared that he submitted to her by lying down and rolling over. What he really did was gain his power in a non-violent manner by diffusing a difficult and stressful situation in an unexpected way. It not only stopped her from chasing him, but in the process he gained her (an my) respect.

I got to spend a lot of time cuddling on the couch with him (and Ella, who has also decided that since he just cozies up to her purring that she may as well be friends with him), while Jenna cuddled with Abu and Dottie ran back and forth. It was a good sick day and we are both feeling a lot better for the fact that we could take the time to rest and get better.

  
Happiness moment was lying on the couch cuddled up with cats and kid watching Golden Girls. As always I am grateful for the time I spend with them and love that the kids want to share their journey with me.

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Forgive us our trespasses. 

My cousin invited us to go to her church this morning. They have been studying the Lord’s Prayer and today she was doing the sermon based on forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. 

Heavy stuff. 

That forgiveness thing is hard work. I think by a certain age we have all been hurt or betrayed by someone we love, and learning how to come to terms with that can be excruciating. As she said, when you are hurt by someone you love and trust you feel like one of the laws of life have been broken.  Our inner circle of trusted people aren’t supposed to betray us, and when they do it is a life altering experience. 

I struggle with the knowledge that I need to forgive. That the anger I hold towards the betrayer is really only damaging me. But forgiveness is such a complex thing. I feel like we have been taught (or maybe just I was taught) that what we need to do is just forgive and move on. But sometimes the hurt has cut so deep that it’s not that simple. Then I feel like a failure when I have tried to forgive but I just can’t do it.

But forgiveness is a process. And when it’s a deep hurt sometimes that process takes time. Like a lot of time. I need to honour that process. 

Then there is the whole turn the other cheek idea that also seems to be a part of this forgiveness path. My cousin talked (and even had it acted out) about what turning the other cheek really means. How it’s not about continuing to be a victim to the person who is hurting   you, but rather a non violent means of regaining your power and your dignity. 

Which I needed to hear, because  when I get hurt my gut instinct is to make that person feel hurt back – or at the very least let other people know what an ass they have been. But, there is a dignity that is gained by taking the high road and not dropping to their level. Honestly, if it’s a personality trait in the other person, eventually other people see it as well and there is no point in you having also become someone inflicting pain. Easier said than done, but more rewarding in the end. There’s also that small fact that we are all imperfect people trying to do our best – this does not mean that I need to let that forgiven betrayer back into my inner circle of trusted people. But it’s important to remember that if I’m a loved child of God, then so are they. 

I believe that things come to you when you need them. I really needed to her her sermon today. I need to actively continue my process of forgiveness. For my own soul and health, to make me a better person. Hearing these wise and well thought out words from someone I love and respect made them have all the more impact. 

I need to keep working and allowing that process. Listening to her sermon was my spiritual happiness moment today. 

My other joyful happiness moment was this afternoon. The kids and I went to the creek for a swim. It’s still warm water in our mountain creek – huge bonus- and the swimming holes are so deep the kids brought snorkels and flippers. I watched them swim up and down for hours. 

 

When they were done we sat on the shore staring at the water in silence. Jacob sighed and said I miss grandpa. Being at the creek was something he loved so much, and he was always so good about playing with the kids. But then instead of just sitting and crying (ok I admit I sat and cried) we shared memories of fun things we had done with him, memories of things he’d told us, and then moved into the present and future and talked about when we would swim next and which hill looked good for tobogganing this winter. Which is what Dad would want I think – for us to keep loving and living and looking ahead while remembering the past. I miss him so much, especially at times like that. But he gave us a lot of good things to hold onto and move forward with. 

We are very blessed. 
  

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A Person of Infinite Value

If I had to pick our Pastor’s catchphrase it would be that “you are a loved child of God”. She says it at least once a week somewhere during service and I hear her say it often in the hallways of the church, especially to the children. So it’s a phrase that sticks in my head, gives me a nice warm fuzzy feeling, and then I move on from it and push it to the back of my mind.

Last year, Jacob was having some sort of friend issue at school. Middle school can be so hard with all the changing hormones and fickle friendships. Everything feels so urgent and important in the moment it’s hard to remind them that all these difficult feelings will soon pass. He was describing some mean things that some of the other kids were saying to him. I tried to come up with something to make him feel better: “middle school is hard. It will all pass soon.” “Maybe they had a really bad morning at home and came to school already angry and took it out on you.” “What they say has really nothing to do with you, it’s a reflection of them.” and “Sometimes people are just jerks.” Nothing was really making him feel any better, and while I knew I couldn’t magically fix the issue, I wanted so badly to give something to make him feel a little bit more happy.

Pastor’s words came back to me then and I reminded him how she always says that “you are a loved child of God.” We always talk about how God made you perfectly and he doesn’t make mistakes (granted I usually am using that in relation to them talking about getting tattoos or something – I add in that you wouldn’t put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari). Something about this really clicked with him and it actually seemed to make things a bit more bearable. You have to be ok because you are a loved child of God. He loves you and He made you and He does not make mistakes.

Fast forward to this year and Jacob’s English teacher uses a phrase that really hit home for me “you are a person of infinite value”. I had to ponder it for days. Immediately I could see that yes Jacob is a person of infinite value and Jenna is a person of infinite value. That part was easy. But if that was true then maybe, perhaps, I am a person of infinite value? That one took me a bit longer to wrap my head around.

My whole life I’ve had at least one person I’ve kept in my closest circle of “people” who has gone out of their way to make sure they told me on a regular basis that I was in fact NOT a person of any kind of value. All the insecurities and doubts I’ve ever had about myself this “friend” (and there have been different ones throughout the years) has voiced loudly and clearly to me – just to remind me that I was not the only one who could see those things that perhaps devalued me. I know other people have had these “friends” in their lives as well whispering in their ear that they’re not good enough, not thin enough, not smart enough, not fun enough, not doing well enough…

As a stay at home mom in an area where most other moms are working I also get questioned by people that I don’t even know about why I’m home with my kids. Why aren’t I out being productive and doing something of value? No matter how many times I try to explain to them that I think what I do has value, that being home for my kids especially when we move every couple of years and never have any outside family support right near us, means that I provide a safe and secure place for the kids to fall back into at the end of their day. By the way, I’ve also done the working mom thing and that’s insanely difficult also – I quickly discovered I could do many things, but I could only balance a couple of things well.

So, I always had this voice in the back of my head questioning my value (and thanks to some poor social choices also sometimes right out there to be heard as well). But I kept thinking of what Jacob kept coming home from school saying that his teacher says “you are a person of infinite value.”

I started thinking what if I am? What if just maybe those other voices were wrong and how I am and what I’m doing does have value? Maybe that nagging voice that says that I screwed myself by giving up my career building years to stay home and raise my kids while we moved and moved is wrong? Maybe there is more value in that for me than any career ever could have given me?

Accepting that I have value, or am a person of infinite value means that I can breathe deep and accept the fact that the choices I’ve made and the things I am doing right now are right. I actually don’t have to prove myself or my value to anyone because I know that I have value and therefore it does not matter what someone else says or feels about what I do. Because it does not matter how they value me because my value is not theirs to judge.

This thinking then led me to those people. The ones who have gone out of their way to be hurtful. If I am a person of infinite value just because I exist, then they also have to be a person of infinite value. Ugh. A little harder to stomach. Much easier to just think of them as assholes. But, the reality is if we are all loved children of God and people of infinite value then even these people have value. I hope there aren’t people out in the world who feel like I’ve set out to destroy them on purpose, but I’m not so naive as to believe that there aren’t people who feel I’ve been less than nice to them. I’m sure there many people whom I’ve hurt, much as I would like to say otherwise.

Just because people have done something hurtful does not change the fact that they also are people of infinite value. Which means getting mad and staying mad about things that they have done or said accomplishes nothing in the long run (easy to say, hard to do). Also that judging them does not work either, because much as my value is not theirs to judge – their value is not mine to judge. No matter how much I feel about them in that moment of hurt. No matter if they really truly are trying to destroy me. Their value as a person is not mine to judge. They are still people of infinite value. Sometimes difficult to feel and believe, but still true nonetheless.

I’ve realized that not every person you meet in your life needs to stay in your life and that some of these people of infinite value are better off just passing through your life. Sometimes you don’t bring out the best in people, have nothing in common, or just don’t click. And that’s ok too. It’s not necessary to put up with someone treating you poorly just because they have value – because that takes away from your value. But, it does not make them a bad person. Just, perhaps, a person whom you should shake hands with and then pass on by.

But, trying to see each and every person I come across daily as a person of infinite value has really made me try and see the best in each person. We all have our struggles, we all have our stories and we are all coping the best way we know. Some of us are in phases where we need more love and assistance than others are. But, we all have infinite value. Even the person who cut you off on your drive home today.

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