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Between the horse’s ears

 

Today was a double happiness moment   First of all the kids and I were invited by my extremely patient cousin to go help (and I use that word loosely) chase cows. Mostly we just sat and watched and then walked around on the horses. But since horses are my most favorite thing on the planet and it was the first time my kids were riding out by themselves on the ranch it most certainly was a huge moment of blissful happiness. 

When I was pregnant with Jacob we were part of a birthing and babies class. For the first year or so after they were born, our group would get together once a week for a play date. I became good friends during that time with one of the moms. I hadn’t seen her in at least 10 years though – ever since we moved away. Well tonight she had us and one other family from the group over for supper. We had a fantastic night eating supper, catching up on 10 years, watching our kids play, playing board games and laughing ourselves silly, and watching the Flames win (Go Flames Go). An extra special happiness moment and something we have missed out on for years. Just getting together with friends. 

As one more special treat, my sister and her kids are down for the weekend so we get special family time too. 

It was a blissful happiness day.  

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A Person of Infinite Value

If I had to pick our Pastor’s catchphrase it would be that “you are a loved child of God”. She says it at least once a week somewhere during service and I hear her say it often in the hallways of the church, especially to the children. So it’s a phrase that sticks in my head, gives me a nice warm fuzzy feeling, and then I move on from it and push it to the back of my mind.

Last year, Jacob was having some sort of friend issue at school. Middle school can be so hard with all the changing hormones and fickle friendships. Everything feels so urgent and important in the moment it’s hard to remind them that all these difficult feelings will soon pass. He was describing some mean things that some of the other kids were saying to him. I tried to come up with something to make him feel better: “middle school is hard. It will all pass soon.” “Maybe they had a really bad morning at home and came to school already angry and took it out on you.” “What they say has really nothing to do with you, it’s a reflection of them.” and “Sometimes people are just jerks.” Nothing was really making him feel any better, and while I knew I couldn’t magically fix the issue, I wanted so badly to give something to make him feel a little bit more happy.

Pastor’s words came back to me then and I reminded him how she always says that “you are a loved child of God.” We always talk about how God made you perfectly and he doesn’t make mistakes (granted I usually am using that in relation to them talking about getting tattoos or something – I add in that you wouldn’t put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari). Something about this really clicked with him and it actually seemed to make things a bit more bearable. You have to be ok because you are a loved child of God. He loves you and He made you and He does not make mistakes.

Fast forward to this year and Jacob’s English teacher uses a phrase that really hit home for me “you are a person of infinite value”. I had to ponder it for days. Immediately I could see that yes Jacob is a person of infinite value and Jenna is a person of infinite value. That part was easy. But if that was true then maybe, perhaps, I am a person of infinite value? That one took me a bit longer to wrap my head around.

My whole life I’ve had at least one person I’ve kept in my closest circle of “people” who has gone out of their way to make sure they told me on a regular basis that I was in fact NOT a person of any kind of value. All the insecurities and doubts I’ve ever had about myself this “friend” (and there have been different ones throughout the years) has voiced loudly and clearly to me – just to remind me that I was not the only one who could see those things that perhaps devalued me. I know other people have had these “friends” in their lives as well whispering in their ear that they’re not good enough, not thin enough, not smart enough, not fun enough, not doing well enough…

As a stay at home mom in an area where most other moms are working I also get questioned by people that I don’t even know about why I’m home with my kids. Why aren’t I out being productive and doing something of value? No matter how many times I try to explain to them that I think what I do has value, that being home for my kids especially when we move every couple of years and never have any outside family support right near us, means that I provide a safe and secure place for the kids to fall back into at the end of their day. By the way, I’ve also done the working mom thing and that’s insanely difficult also – I quickly discovered I could do many things, but I could only balance a couple of things well.

So, I always had this voice in the back of my head questioning my value (and thanks to some poor social choices also sometimes right out there to be heard as well). But I kept thinking of what Jacob kept coming home from school saying that his teacher says “you are a person of infinite value.”

I started thinking what if I am? What if just maybe those other voices were wrong and how I am and what I’m doing does have value? Maybe that nagging voice that says that I screwed myself by giving up my career building years to stay home and raise my kids while we moved and moved is wrong? Maybe there is more value in that for me than any career ever could have given me?

Accepting that I have value, or am a person of infinite value means that I can breathe deep and accept the fact that the choices I’ve made and the things I am doing right now are right. I actually don’t have to prove myself or my value to anyone because I know that I have value and therefore it does not matter what someone else says or feels about what I do. Because it does not matter how they value me because my value is not theirs to judge.

This thinking then led me to those people. The ones who have gone out of their way to be hurtful. If I am a person of infinite value just because I exist, then they also have to be a person of infinite value. Ugh. A little harder to stomach. Much easier to just think of them as assholes. But, the reality is if we are all loved children of God and people of infinite value then even these people have value. I hope there aren’t people out in the world who feel like I’ve set out to destroy them on purpose, but I’m not so naive as to believe that there aren’t people who feel I’ve been less than nice to them. I’m sure there many people whom I’ve hurt, much as I would like to say otherwise.

Just because people have done something hurtful does not change the fact that they also are people of infinite value. Which means getting mad and staying mad about things that they have done or said accomplishes nothing in the long run (easy to say, hard to do). Also that judging them does not work either, because much as my value is not theirs to judge – their value is not mine to judge. No matter how much I feel about them in that moment of hurt. No matter if they really truly are trying to destroy me. Their value as a person is not mine to judge. They are still people of infinite value. Sometimes difficult to feel and believe, but still true nonetheless.

I’ve realized that not every person you meet in your life needs to stay in your life and that some of these people of infinite value are better off just passing through your life. Sometimes you don’t bring out the best in people, have nothing in common, or just don’t click. And that’s ok too. It’s not necessary to put up with someone treating you poorly just because they have value – because that takes away from your value. But, it does not make them a bad person. Just, perhaps, a person whom you should shake hands with and then pass on by.

But, trying to see each and every person I come across daily as a person of infinite value has really made me try and see the best in each person. We all have our struggles, we all have our stories and we are all coping the best way we know. Some of us are in phases where we need more love and assistance than others are. But, we all have infinite value. Even the person who cut you off on your drive home today.

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Girlfriend Power

I’m lucky that I come from a family full of girls. I have one (awesome) sister and a ton of girl cousins, so I always had a lot of girls around me to hang out with. I never really thought about how lucky I was to have this built in support system until I moved away from home and for the first time in my life had to start building my own support system from scratch.

In the past 9 years we have moved A LOT. We moved from Alberta to Quebec, Rhode Island (lived in two houses there just to make it more interesting), and now Roanoke – and we are ready to be on the move again. This makes it really difficult to be able to have the time and emotional energy to build up a good support system, but I truly believe it’s one of the most important things I can do.

A few years ago my cousin got married in Italy and I was lucky enough to have been able to fly there to celebrate with her. A big chunk of our large extended family actually was able to go and it was a really fun family time. But, there was one day that really sticks out for me. It wasn’t something that happened with my family, and it wasn’t one of the beautiful sightseeing trips we did. Rather, it was a rather common incident that could have happened anywhere. But it was an incident that made me really stop and think about things and realize “I want that“.

I was walking down a street in Gaeta when I came across two ladies who were in their late 70s or early 80s. They were holding onto each other’s arms and laughing so hard they couldn’t even walk straight on the path. Whatever they were doing they looked like wonderful lifelong friends who were out having a bliss-filled afternoon. I was mesmerized and realized that that was something that was really important to my life.

I actually then went on to have one of those moments with my cousin. We went out on our uncle’s boat and went for a swim in the sea. We were floating along side by side and laughing so hard both of us could barely breathe. We both have looked back on that afternoon as a time when we had wonderful belly laughs and played like children. These are the rare moments that are so important to hold onto.

Little did I know that not too long after that trip I was about to enter what I now consider to be my “dark night of the soul” years. Years when I could have really used some good girlfriends but for various reasons I wasn’t taking advantage of the built in support system I already had.

Fast forward through some really crappy times that included me realizing that in order to have these great friends I so desired, I had to learn how to be a good friend to others. Not as easy as it seemed -still working on it – but now it is a conscious goal of mine.

This summer I was able to go back home and spend a lot of time working on these relationships I’ve had my entire life. Relationships with some pretty fantastic women. Having lived a life where we have been so transient and it was so difficult to make connections made me appreciate it all the more. I spent a great deal of time with my sister and really got to see how she’s flourished as a mom. I spent time with my cousins renewing the ties and realizing that the bonds that we made in our childhood were still as strong. It was so good for my soul to be able to go for a walk with someone whom I knew had known me my entire life – knew my quirks, my humour, my life – and I knew them the same way.

These are the ladies I will be clutching onto when I’m 80 years old. Laughing while we stagger down the street. I firmly believe that the girlfriend friendships are among the most important relationships I will make in my life. I am dedicated now to focusing on building on the ones I already have and making new and wonderful ones.

I also have realized in fostering these friendships that I have other important female friendships in my life that are unique and blessed. I have a mother whom I know would move heaven and earth for me, who is strong and kind at the same time and whom I have learned so much from. I have a daughter who is also incredibly strong and kind and so often like me (a learning experience for both of us). I have aunts who are like extra moms and I know I could turn to them at any time (and I hope they feel the same about me).

The realization that there are these in my life who have complete unconditional love for me and for whom I have absolute unconditional love for is a real blessing. It’s so often easy to feel completely alone, like the struggles I have are mine to bear alone, like I have no one to share the daily joys with. But, it’s important to remember that this is not the case. There is this wonderful tribe of women at my back.

There are many things that will come and go in life, but those friends who know you inside and out, who love and accept you, and who you feel the same about – those are true gems.

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