I was having a difficult time keeping my smile on this morning. I’m not exactly sure why it was more of a challenge today, I guess sometimes I’m just more a bit more emotional than others. Learning to live in those emotions has been a difficult lesson for me, but an enlightening one. I’m discovering how to honour that whatever feeling I’m experiencing is real and that it also won’t last forever (the kids say I cried all of 2015 so hopefully that part will begin to taper off).
I feel like I haven’t even been able to really process my last life crisis and yet here I find myself smack in the middle of another one.
I remember listening to Dad last spring when he was talking about his quest to find his spirituality. He was so concerned that he wasn’t able to focus on it the way he wanted to. I reminded him of a conversation we had had the winter before where he had told me that he was so glad he had the time then to really meditate and get closer to God. He felt he was building up reserves that would be able to carry him through times when he didn’t have the energy to do that.
I kind of feel like all the time and energy I have spent over the past few years building myself up from my broken self was so that I would be strong enough to face all the challenges this past year has brought me. I am so thankful that I decided to start this happiness journey. To now have the skills and the ability to look for happiness in every moment, no matter what life is throwing at me allows me to live in joy even when there is sadness around.
When I went to meditate this morning I had this image of the Whos in Whoville singing around their Christmas tree come to me very strongly. No matter how I tried to focus back on my mantra or drop it from my mind, all I could see were those Whos.
I feel kind of like the Grinch has tried to steal Christmas from me lately. That image was a good reminder to me that the things that are really important when all is said and done can’t be stolen or taken away. I stand in this time of huge uncertainty with a lot of fear and anticipation, but I know in the deepest part of my soul that all of the things that are really good about my life can’t be taken away from me. I will stand around that tree with a kid’s hand grasping mine on either side and we will sing and be joyful whether the presents are there or not.
Years ago I read a book called Take the Step, the Bridge Will Be There. And I just have to have faith now that with each step I take that the next one will show up in front of me. I find surrendering a very difficult thing to do and seem to be only able to do it when there are no other options left. This past year I feel like I’ve had a lot of opportunity to practice (sigh).
My happiness moment was the ray of light that was left after my meditation. The understanding that we will be ok, that everything will work out, and that I love and am loved by those two kiddos so deeply nothing will ever change that.