Tag Archives: fearless

Uncategorized

Fearless in love 

I know that one day can be just like any other, and that  it is us who attach meanings and emotions to certain days. But what the mind knows, the heart still has its own feelings about. 

Mine anyway. 

Today would have been my parents’ 48th wedding anniversary. It was another one of those first occasion days we had to get through. Already it’s been Jacob’s graduation and his birthday. This one was harder because it was a day honoring mom and dad. But without dad. 

Mom and I went to Banff with Jenna and my niece and nephew. It was a great escape day where we were hugged by the mountains and our souls were held in love. Hard as it was, it was wonderful to see this loving group of people reach out and surround mom and walk with her (and me) through this day. 

  
Yesterday I was reading an old email from a forever friend who lost her mom earlier this year and her words are so honest and raw and beautiful I often go back to read them. 

Here’s a small excerpt where she’s talking about what it means to love:

 Love, is one of the forces in life that leads all of us directly into suffering, because we will ultimately lose every person and everything that we love.  

After dad died, MOM is the one who taught me to be fearless enough to love anyway,  without conditions, and take the great risk that loving HER, would break my heart. 

I love that her mom taught her to be fearless enough to love anyway. That the great risk we take in love is knowing that you will lose everything that you love. 

And yet what is the alternative? To go through life with a closed heart that never lets the love shine through. What a painful and empty existence. 

It is important to remember to be fearless in love. To be brave enough to keep loving even though you know you will be hurt. 

No matter what I will wake up each day and look for the things that make my soul shine. I will keep the intention to let my love shine and to be fearless enough to keep loving. That is something I learned from both my mom and dad. Love and look after your loved ones. No matter what. 

Happiness moment was walking main street Banff with a group of my loved ones. Watching the love surround Mom today to hold her in a love hug. Knowing that she is still fearless enough to love anyway. We are blessed. 

Standard
Uncategorized

Living with an open heart

Life with an open heart is life truly lived. I remember when I used to live with my heart completely open. Wore it on my sleeve you could say. When things hurt, they really hurt – but oh, when things were good they were amazing because I was able to breathe fully in that wonderful feeling with my heart open.

Things happened, and I made a conscious decision to try and close off parts of my heart (didn’t really work because it was still screaming at me, but I tried to ignore it). Then a few more things happened and I worked harder at blocking off more parts.

The problem with blocking off your heart so that you aren’t hurt by things is that it also means that you can’t experience all the joy and love and blissful happiness that exists through living. It kind of turns you into a shell. Like Pinocchio, not a real person.

Thank God for my animals and my children because they all live life with hearts fully open. They have guided me back towards a life of a full and open heart. I watch them and interact with them, and they are just so there. When things are good they’re fantastic, when things suck, they’re terrible. But, because their hearts are open, when things suck they also get over them quickly. The great thing about an open heart is that you can’t hold onto grudges and anger and resentment. You just move on into the next present moment. And trustingly breathe in love.

A few years ago I went to a workshop at Kripalu called Opening The Heart which was really difficult and also really fantastic. I’m not sure I really knew what I was getting into when I got there -which was a good thing because it was something I desperately needed but probably would have shied away from had I known how intense it was going to be. What I do remember from it is that the vice like grip that used to live around my chest lifted because I let some stuff go. Opened my heart a bit you might say.

I hope my children never have to go somewhere and learn how to open their hearts because right now their hearts are so beautifully and wonderfully open. I would be sad if something happened to their beautiful souls that lead them to a place where they decided to close up. They live so fully and purely and beautifully. It inspires me to take the chances to open up.

Because of course with opening there is always the chance of getting hurt. But, I think when you live open and freely and with love the fear of getting hurt is so much less because you are also reaping the rewards.

This morning I was reading my emails and my parents forwarded to me a tribute to Mrs. Mackay who recently passed away. The tribute was written by her daughter Robyn and while the entire thing was eye-leakingly touching this part really hit home for me given my intentions on living life with a free, loving, open heart:

Love, is one of the forces in life that leads all of us directly into suffering, 

because we will ultimately lose every person and everything that we love.  

After dad died,  MOM is the one who taught me to be fearless enough to love anyway,  

without conditions, and take the great risk that loving HER, would  break my heart.

That is exactly it! To be fearless enough to love anyway. What a gift to give someone. That is exactly what we all need to do. Because everyone we know eventually will die, nothing lasts forever. But to be fearless enough to love anyway, without conditions – that is kind of the point of life. Why else are we here if not to love fully and completely?

So, today on my 9th day of my 44 days of happiness – I am happy that I am learning to live life with an open heart again. And I am happy and so blessed that I have such wonderful teachers showing me how blissfully easy that is.

IMG_2910

Standard
Uncategorized

From FOMO to FOMA to Fearless

FOMO – or the Fear Of Missing Out – is a real condition and it runs strong in my family. So I come by it honestly.

I used to push myself to do things that I maybe didn’t really want to do because of FOMO. I would go places and do things that my inner being knew I didn’t really need to do because of FOMO. What if something fun happened and I wasn’t there?

Then I got brought to my knees by anxiety. Well, to be more accurate it kind of crept up on me until it finally had weakened me enough to bring me to my knees.

I had to reassess everything. What kind of life did I want to live, how did I want to live it?

I went from being a regular, quiet, introverted type, someone who was generally pretty happy with life, to someone who was so overridden with anxiety I was having a difficult time getting through basic daily activities. I ended up with FOMA – or Fear Of My Anxiety. I started being afraid of doing things because I was afraid it would give me anxiety. I wasn’t just not doing things that made me anxious – but living with a fear of things that could make me anxious.

Not a fun way to live.

One day I realized that if this was ever going to change I was going to have to deal with both FOMO and FOMA, and that I was going to have to deal with it myself. I was very aware that living 2,000 miles from my home and my emotional support system left me in a place where I was going to have to dig deep and figure this out myself. I had two little ones who needed me to be emotionally present for them and who I needed to give my emotional support to. They’re probably going to grow up and say “Gawd mom was such a mess”, but I’d prefer it wasn’t because of this issue.

I accepted that for me FOMA and FOMO were intertwined. I didn’t want to miss out on anything, sometimes I felt the need to be a part of the activities to make sure they ran properly (control – a fear based issue). It took me a while to realize that in the grand scheme of things *I* wasn’t that important. All those things would keep on happening whether or not I was there. Wouldn’t it be much nicer to pick and choose and participate in those activities that genuinely brought me happiness? To be present and focused in the activities I was involved in?

My cure for FOMO? The joking understanding that nothing fun happens if I’m not there anyway. I know this isn’t true, and that tons of fun things happen every second of every day that I don’t participate in. But, do I really need to be a part of everything?

Dealing with the FOMA? This took lots of time. I pretty much stopped everything and rebooted myself. I cocooned for a while and looked after myself. For the first time in my life I actually put myself and my needs first and really looked after myself. I began separating myself from people and activities that increased my anxiety (this was the most difficult and most important thing I did).  I looked long and hard at the things that had to get done and prioritized them. Knowing that I was not going to be doing everything but that the things I was doing were things that were important to me. Knowing that I wasn’t missing out on anything because the things that I was now doing were bringing me more happiness and more meaning.

Spending two months at home this past summer in a nurturing and caring environment helped boost me right over the top from where I felt I was dealing with my anxiety to where I felt like I was fearless of my anxiety. Amazing how a good dose of being grounded and loved and reminded of who you are at the core of your being will do that.

Since that I have been working on being Fearless. Before this would have meant that I did anything I was challenged to do no matter what my inner voice told me. That I never showed fear. That I was always brave That I met every challenge with little regard for my personal consequence. Now, being Fearless has an entirely different meaning. Fearless to me now means that I don’t have to live with that feeling like I’m not being true to myself. As long as I’m being true to who I really am I’m confident with my life and happy with my choices. I don’t feel like I’m missing out because I’m doing the things I really want to do. I’m living a more peaceful and blissful life. I’m not quite where I want to be yet, but at least I can see that I’m walking on the path. That makes me grateful with each breath I take.

There is another side to living with Anxiety. It is possible to get through it and move on to finding true happiness and joy. I feel more bliss now when I’m living in my sweet spot than I ever have before. This does not mean that there aren’t times when I feel anxious, or times when I’m sure I’m missing out on all kinds of fun. What it means is that I’m becoming more comfortable and relaxed in knowing that I’m on the path to freedom.

Standard