Tag Archives: mourning

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My Happiness Project

Yesterday I had the rare occasion of driving alone. I used to love driving alone – music up, hair blowing, no yapping voices… now I cry when I drive alone. I started my cry/driving after we moved back home and Dad was so sick. I would take the kids into school and then cry/drive all the way home. Then cry/drive back to school to get them. I thought I was over it, but it seems as though the reality is simply that I haven’t had a moment in the car by myself.

I cry/drove most of the way home last evening. Thinking about Dad, about how completely unfair it seems that we finally move back and now he’s gone. About how guilty I feel that we lost all those years. So, I drove and I cried.

Then I came over Edge’s hill. As soon as I come over their hill I see home. The ranch, the barn, the homes – the places where my little footprints have been pitter pattering since the beginning of my time. I felt a rush of happiness – of joy. I realized then that even with all my sorrow and grief I am happy.

That may not sound like the huge freaking deal that it is – but I’ve spent years being unhappy, being scared and being anxious. And now I’m HAPPY. I’m sad about Dad, I’m nervous for the future – but I’M HAPPY and that is a huge gift.

Jenna and I went to Banff today for Fondue at the Grizzly House. Cheese Fondue followed by Fruit with Toblerone Chocolate Fondue. If you want to know what happiness tastes like, it tastes a lot like this: 

In our family tradition (started by my Dad) of not drinking from the bowl, Jenna finished off the last of the chocolate fondue in style:

Happiness also looks like this:  This however, is what Anger looks like. We have had two gifts this summer. One was the movie Inside Out, and the other one is that there are hardly any mosquitos (again, sounds like not a big deal but huge deal).

Inside out has given us the platform to feel out our emotions.

Jenna and I were heading out of Banff, Abba blasting out of the car stereo (this seems to be our road trip music), when I heard Let go of my anger!!! Grrrrrrrrrr!!!

Not sure what she was talking about, I looked beside me to see her trying to rip Anger out of his packaging. Apparently Anger makes her Angry. Even better, Anger only was purchased because Joy was sold out and that made her Angry.

We talked about different emotion balls and how one emotion can affect another.

A day with my girl. My happiness moment. Remembering that I am happy and that it’s ok to let go of my fears and anxiety will have a huge impact on how I live the rest of my life.

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Snowbirds

This afternoon we went out for a family walk. Forced family fun time with my monsters, my sister and her kids, and my mom. As we were getting ready my cousin texted saying the Snowbirds were about to buzz our house. They were at the air show in Springbank and could see them heading for our place. We dashed outside and had an awesome private show 

This was taken on my iPhone – it was much more impressive. I’m amazed at how they hold their formation.  
I mentioned to my sister after that if you were into planes it was the equivalent of us wanting to ride in the RCMP musical ride. I have a friend who did this – what a dream job. 

It was a happiness moment to stop and watch the planes dance past us over and over. Time was suspended and there was just us and the sky show. 

Before we went out walking we were talking about how every day without Dad just gets harder and harder. Doing all the things we used to do with him now without him is so difficult. But he loved life and loved us and I know he wants us to keep on finding happiness, so I will keep looking for it every single day.   

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An over-eating CATastrophy

Today I had to head into town to buy clothes for the kids and me to wear to Dad’s funeral. Clothes for the kids because – well – they’re kids and they grow. clothes for me because apparently all I’ve done over the past couple of weeks is stress eat and nothing fits me anymore. So, now not only am I in mourning but I’m fat as well. Excellent.

I’ve consoled myself with the thought that Dad was one of the few people who loved me exactly as I am, no matter what, and he would understand why I’ve put on the pudge. Nothing else should matter (sob… pass the cake please).

During my time of over-eating, I’ve had a strange binging buddy. My cat Ella has been stress eating right along with me. Her food consumption has almost tripled over the past couple of weeks. My cat who prefers the method of being “close but no touching” has decided that she can’t leave my side. She follows me everywhere, she reaches up with her paw and grabs my hands and brings them to her if I’m not paying her enough attention. This morning while I was on the elliptical, she jumped up on the freezer which is right beside it and pawed at me the entire time – rolling on her back for a tummy rub every time I put my hand out.

She knows something is up and she’s my constant soul companion when I’m home.

My happiness moment came today when I was having supper that had been prepared by my mother in law. We have been so well cared for by our tribe. Last night was supper at my cousin’s place. The night before that we were at the funeral home when I realized that we didn’t have anything for supper, I texted a different cousin and said “remember how you said anytime and anything we needed? we are hungry and don’t have supper”. When we came home she was standing in our kitchen heating up supper for us. We are so well loved and cared for.

I had a secondary, quieter happiness moment today that was more along the lines of yesterday’s flower walk. I didn’t get a picture of them – but today the mountains were amazing. It was one of those rare, perfect mornings where things were still and clear. The mountains looked like they were right on our doorstep. I had to stop and stand still for a while and take in their beauty. Grateful happiness. The kind of bliss that comes only from standing at home looking out on “our view”. I could feel Dad standing with me. Which was good and hard. Every day seems to get harder instead of easier. But, that moment made it easier and that made it a happiness moment.

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